how to deal with her?

My name is Olivia.I’m a 29 year old female and dating my girlfriend for three months now. My girlfriend is 27. I met my girlfriend three months ago and we started a passionate relationship. At the time she was still going out with her ex girlfriend ( they were in the process of breaking up their 3 year relationship). My ex had a very dysfunctional relationship with her ex as she was a drug addict and encouraged her to use drugs too. The result was that my girlfriend had a very messed up, disorganized life with her and ended up in a lot of debt and emotional trouble. From the beginning of the relationship, I already had the feeling she was being very needy. She needed a lot of my time, a lot of attention, a lot of love to overcome this bad period of her life. She is beautiful, and is an attorney , has a nice personality and is smart too, so I thought I had won big time when we started dating. However, after a few weeks, it started to weigh on me that she always needs so much attention, so much of my time. She is very clingy and some days I really had/ have to tell her to please go to work, or she would have called in sick and spend her entire day with me, and expect me to do the same. I only work in the evenings, so sometimes I just let her get away with it. I also started having problems with the fact that she is so young and has to take 8 different kind of medications to keep herself going. She takes antidepressants, anti anxiety medication and medication to focus and sleep. Also as from the beginning on she barely had any money, so whenever we went out, I would always pay and do nice things for her. I have bought her tons of new clothes already, new stuff for her house, took her on two weekends away and paid for it all. I don’t mind doing all of these things, as I can understand that sometimes people can have some temporary financial difficulties. We started having a lot of fights lately, and its mainly because I have the feeling I have to do most things on my own in this relationship. I always cook, clean the apartment ( where she always is) , wash our clothes, have to organize and pay for dates. She is always complaining about being tired, having fragile bones, and not being able to find a decent paying job in her field. According to me, it is a little too one sided. Even though she does seem grateful, and is very affectionate towards me. She says she loves me every day and that I am her dream woman. Prior to meeting her, my life was fun being single. I had no money issues, no health issues and would just do my job and have fun with my friends. Now I have the feeling that all her issues are weighing me down. I feel less optimistic about my future, because I worry a lot because of her life. I also have the feeling I constantly have to advise her what to do about very basic things. I have to wake her up in the morning to be on time at work, tell her to shower, tell her to eat healthy foods etc… or otherwise she stays in bed all day, not showering, eating a pizza. She seems kinda dependent on me. She wanted to push me also to live together, but I kindly refused that. She just seems so hopeless in every day life, and forgets constantly things, is always too late, and is very bad at organizing her days and getting things done. In the evenings I usually have to watch her play video games on her phone, or watch t.v. I hate living like this constantly. Also every fight we have (and I have been initiating a lot of them because i’m not happy with her way of life) she throws her ex girlfriend in there, and always tells me how her ex was better than me, she regrets breaking up with her ( keep in mind the ex is a cocaine user who would steal money from her to buy drugs) Because she always brings up the ex, I feel kinda insecure about this relationship and always ask just to be sure if she is planning to get back with her. So whenever we are not in a fight, she actually gets angry if I mention the ex and tells me I don’t trust her at all. Some days I am happy she is with me and we have fun and laugh a lot, but most of the times, I have the feeling her problems make me loose excitement for this and for her. So I was wondering if it would be good to stay or to go in this relationship. I’m scared as hell that she just might be using me to get her life back on track, and once she is back there, she will go back to her ex, or go with someone else. What should I do?

Hi OliviaB1,

I'm going to move your post to the relationship forum where it will hopefully have a bigger chance of a reply.

Hello Olivia,

Welcome to the forum. I am by no means an expert and we could "what if" your girlfriend forever. It does sound (like everyone) that she has some emotional baggage. What is really important right now is how you are taking care of yourself. I find it somewhat satisfying to write in a journal about my feelings. You could also seek a counselor/therapist to help, if you feel you need it. It never hurts to have the outside view of things (or global perspective, as I call it).

Is she diagnosed with any disorders? You say she takes several different medications, so I presume she has been. If so, what are they? That would tell you a lot. If she hasn't be diagnosed, I would read up on Codependency, Dependency, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This may give you some insight into what you're dealing with.

Ultimately, if you're unhappy with the relationship, you need to sit down and talk with her. Suggest counseling together if you're not ready to walk away. I would read about the various disorders beforehand to see how best for you to broach that topic (and understand that there is no cookie cutter standard for how a PD affects the person...each is unique to the person).

Keep us informed as to how you are progressing.

Hi, I'm going to be brutally blunt with you because as an outsider looking in, it looks like a stiuation that will end in a train wreck. I believe you need to end the relationship. I think the woman you have become involved with has serious issues of her own to deal with and I think she will drain you emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically and then have the audacity to say that her situation was all your fault. I think if she loved and cared for you as much as you do her, she will understand that the time apart would do her some good, especially if she sought support and counselling otherwise she's using you to hide away from her issues. I know this isn't sugar-coated and it doesn't sound positive but I just think life's too short to be entangled in a dysfunctional relationship. I only wish you the best and hope that you make a decision that makes YOU happy. Take care.