Help, I am a non, lost in an avoidant world of an avoidant

Hey, I need help. I love a man with avoidant personality disorder. He has many friends, generally girls, but when someone arrives too close or tells they love her, as I and other ones did, he pushes the person away and start to get angry with us. And say the flirts disturb him. But not with all girls. I think he just do this with the girls he has more intimacy or that understands him better and that they like most, that he says they are dangerous to his heart. He had a difficult childhood and bad luck with all the ex women he had, betrayal, fake in internet, the other left him, so he must have some trauma now. How do you treat a person to push him/her away when they fear you could love him or her? You start pretending that you dont like them, you get far and far or you got angry and blame the other person for everything. I really love him and dont want to give him up and that he ends his life alone. I could make him happy. He doesnt explain why my flirts bother him and some other girls no. But he is also borderline. Is there any to arrive to his heart? How, pretending I run away and despise him or I should seduce more him? What should I do? Is there any way? He suffers so much. And he says he is looking for love, but everytime he has a date, before he goes excited and when the girl is beautiful and wants him, he says, oh, I didnt feel anything for her and we will be just friends and break some hearts like this. I wanna help him and me. Please. Opinions.

Detail, he has many friends, but he is more love avoidant than avoidant in general. He trusts everybody till someone says she loves him.

This is called love-shyness: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness

There are many similarities, from what you describe of him, especially the part about having a bad childhood.

If he was love-avoidant, he wouldn't even have female friends, because he'd want to avoid any sort of possible relationship.

Should prob have put this in another forum, relationship maybe? This doesnt have anything to do w/ AvPD. Do you even know what it is?

Thanks so much for the reply. He has many many many female friends. And he does flirts with them. And two gay friends. Just some male friends. But when he dates some girl, before, he says, I am looking for my soul sister and then after the dating, he says just friends, and he never gets involved with a female friend in the reality. When some female friend, in the case me and more two girls tell him we love him, he cuts or escapes friendship and reacts as it was a crime. I dont know what to do, I love him, but he hates me now because I told him I love him and I could really make him happy. And he doesnt want to be friends anymore and I think he must be also borderline. How can I enter his heart? He gets angry with my flirts. I think he fears me. But with some girls that he doesnt really care, he flirts normally or if he cares, he flirts, but when they say they want him, he escapes. I dont know what to do. If anyone else can help me or yourself that answered to me.... He was married once, but betrayed by his wife, for 26 years, long marriage, the second girlfriend he still loves her, but she left him and the third girl did a fake to cheat him on fb and he fell in love for the pic, but not the real girl. Maybe now he is afraid of loving again and being hurt? Thanks.

This man clearly hasn't got AvPD. You keep saying how many friends he has (regardless of gender), but this contradicts the main symptom of the disorder. Like I said before, sounds more like love-shyness. If the guy doesn't want a relationship, then leave him alone. He's a cheater and materialistic. He's proved it. Perhaps he's attention-seeking, going from girl to girl to fulfil his need for adventure.

From what you've said, it sounds pretty clear that he doesn't want to get into a relationship with you. We obviously don't know what's going on with him, perhaps he does have some issues with getting into a relationship or perhaps it's something else entirely. But my advice would be to not get hung-up on this guy. It doesn't sound as though seducing him more is going to change anything, honestly. You should think about yourself, try to look for a guy that will be able to provide a reciprocal relationship with you, who wants to be in a serious deep relationship.

Sorry if I can't give the best advice about this. I'll move this topic to the relationship forum, perhaps you'll get some better answers there. But I will leave a shadow topic here so the avoidants can still comment if they wish to.

- EGD.

Thanks for all the replies. If you are saying there is nothing to do with being love avoidant, so I believe you. But borderline I am sure he is. The problem is that he loves still his ex gf, for two years that she already left him and he knows he has no chances anymore with her, but he still loves and suffers for her and he has that knowing other girls like him, help him to feel strong in his weak self, that he knows like this, there will be a chance of him not to end alone that he fears so much. But even the girls he is interested, and he told me, when they say they want him, he runs away. I think it can be his borderline fear of being alone and at the same time to be left or hurt. Or he doesnt need commitment with anyone now. Thanks for the advices and I had post a topic in the relationships forums as well as you suggested yesterday.

-- Wed Jul 11, 2012 3:07 am --

Thanks for all the replies. If you are saying there is nothing to do with being love avoidant, so I believe you. But borderline I am sure he is. The problem is that he loves still his ex gf, for two years that she already left him and he knows he has no chances anymore with her, but he still loves and suffers for her and he has that knowing other girls like him, help him to feel strong in his weak self, that he knows like this, there will be a chance of him not to end alone that he fears so much. But even the girls he is interested, and he told me, when they say they want him, he runs away. I think it can be his borderline fear of being alone and at the same time to be left or hurt. Or he doesnt need commitment with anyone now. Thanks for the advices and I had post a topic in the relationships forums as well as you suggested yesterday.

-- Wed Jul 11, 2012 3:08 am --

Thanks for all the replies. If you are saying there is nothing to do with being love avoidant, so I believe you. But borderline I am sure he is. The problem is that he loves still his ex gf, for two years that she already left him and he knows he has no chances anymore with her, but he still loves and suffers for her and he has that knowing other girls like him, help him to feel strong in his weak self, that he knows like this, there will be a chance of him not to end alone that he fears so much. But even the girls he is interested, and he told me, when they say they want him, he runs away. I think it can be his borderline fear of being alone and at the same time to be left or hurt. Or he doesnt need commitment with anyone now. Thanks for the advices and I had post a topic in the relationships forums as well as you suggested yesterday.

-- Wed Jul 11, 2012 3:08 am --

Thanks for all the replies. If you are saying there is nothing to do with being love avoidant, so I believe you. But borderline I am sure he is. The problem is that he loves still his ex gf, for two years that she already left him and he knows he has no chances anymore with her, but he still loves and suffers for her and he has that knowing other girls like him, help him to feel strong in his weak self, that he knows like this, there will be a chance of him not to end alone that he fears so much. But even the girls he is interested, and he told me, when they say they want him, he runs away. I think it can be his borderline fear of being alone and at the same time to be left or hurt. Or he doesnt need commitment with anyone now. Thanks for the advices and I had post a topic in the relationships forums as well as you suggested yesterday.

Thanks for all the replies. If you are saying there is nothing to do with being love avoidant, so I believe you. But borderline I am sure he is. The problem is that he loves still his ex gf, for two years that she already left him and he knows he has no chances anymore with her, but he still loves and suffers for her and he has that knowing other girls like him, help him to feel strong in his weak self, that he knows like this, there will be a chance of him not to end alone that he fears so much. But even the girls he is interested, and he told me, when they say they want him, he runs away. I think it can be his borderline fear of being alone and at the same time to be left or hurt. Or he doesnt need commitment with anyone now. Thanks for the advices and I had post a topic in the relationships forums as well as you suggested yesterday.

Hun, if you continue to yearn for him, your self esteem will plummet. It sounds as if he is afraid of intimacy, yearning for someone he can't have, and in a sense you are doing the same. I wonder if this has happened with you on other occassions? Whether or not this is the case, you might benefit from talking about your feelings to a therapist, who can help you to find a sense of resolution and a way forward. If he is borderline, his issues will be very complex and so deep that the only way forward for him would be to seek therapy. You can't persuade him to do this. This is something he needs to do for himself. Hun, you need to think of YOUR feelings, and the emotional implications of this situation. You deserve to be loved in return, and not to settle for anything less. Sadly, you can't force him to love you. You can, however, love yourself, and work on your self esteem. Your best chance of finding reciprocal love from someone will come when you can learn to love yourself.

Letting him go will be painful (read the sticky at the top of the forum about the Seven Stages of Grief at the end of a relationship) but you are already suffering, and will continue to suffer for as long as you yearn for something unavailable. If you can let him go, you will find a way to move forward, with new hope. Only you can decide what to do, but your emotional health has to be your priority. Sadly, you can't fix him and he has to be responsible for his own emotional health.