abusive bf yet I feel like I'm wrong?!

My bf broke up with me due to our sex life cooling considerably. Some of that is due to circumstances like work while it's also been ignored because he has been "too busy" with household chores or plain tired and stressed. A big reason has been because my ex was angry, extremely sarcastc and said insulting things about my personality, character, and upbringing. When I've told him how hurt I've felt, I either get told I am too sensitive or uptight, that they're just jokes or an apology, only to have it happen again. Now that we arent together, he calls me everyday to tell me I'm frigid, emotionless, and having hurt feelings can't mean I don't horny so there must be someone else. Considering everything he's said and done (he has been physically aggressive - throwing things, pushing me), why do I feel guilty?!?

Hi Bianca,

I’m not sure why you feel guilty. I think I feel guilty feelings sometimes due to self-doubt.

By feeling guilty, I assume you feel responsible in some way for this. Now, I’m sure you weren’t perfect in the relationship. No one ever is, but you don’t deserve this. He is verbally and physically abusive to you and you are better off without him. You probably know this intellectually. You don't have to take his calls or listen to his insults. He may be trying to make you feel guilty. Don’t let him! Cutting all ties with him might be in order at this point. I assure you, you are not being too sensitive or uptight.

Good luck and take care, Jan

bianca5 wrote:Now that we arent together, he calls me everyday to tell me I'm frigid, emotionless, and having hurt feelings can't mean I don't horny so there must be someone else. Considering everything he's said and done (he has been physically aggressive - throwing things, pushing me), why do I feel guilty?!?

Why are you taking his calls? He sounds abusive, but why are you choosing to keep taking his abuse?

You might think he needs you, and on some level you abandoned him, hence guilt. He doesn't need you, and you have done nothing wrong if you choose to live for your own pleasures and needs. There's going to come a point where you realize you've made yourself into a doormat, you'll get angry, and then you won't feel guilt any longer.

It's not your fault if he treated you badly. It is your fault if you realize it, and still put up with it despite getting no benefits from the interactions. Don't choose to be a victim.

maybe there's a part of you that's buying into what he's telling you.

cut him off completely, no take-backs. keep reminding yourself that you deserve better.

CimmerianFlaneur wrote:Don't choose to be a victim.

No-one chooses to be a victim!!

He has been going through so much emotionally with family issues, work, and his own self-doubt that I have been feeling like shutting down is a form of abandonment. But today, I started thinking about what I've been through trying to support him (failed suicide attempts that had me frantic, the rollercoaster of emotions, defending myself against ludicrous accusations of infidelity), I actually did get livid. He called a few times and I ignored the calls, thinking he's manipulative and this is unhealthy.

bianca5 wrote:He has been going through so much emotionally with family issues, work, and his own self-doubt that I have been feeling like shutting down is a form of abandonment.

Not a good enough reason for him to be abusive!

But today, I started thinking about what I've been through trying to support him (failed suicide attempts that had me frantic, the rollercoaster of emotions, defending myself against ludicrous accusations of infidelity), I actually did get livid.

You don't deserve to carry this burden. Your feelings are important too!! It sounds like he is using his own issues as a way of controlling you. You have every right to get livid. YOU deserve to be supported too!

He called a few times and I ignored the calls, thinking he's manipulative and this is unhealthy.[/quote]

Good for you. No doubt he'll try anything to win you back including further suicide attempts. Be strong and look after your well-being.

mystic

mystic dolphin wrote:

CimmerianFlaneur wrote:Don't choose to be a victim.

No-one chooses to be a victim!!

Respectfully, what do you say when she understands that this guy thinks she is dirt, more or less, but continues to accept his calls and support him?? *

*Yay to the OP as of recently not taking his calls! good on you! You deserve much better! <3

For the larger abstract point, I am not trying to victim blame, at all. but she is making a choice here, she takes his call, she is the agent of the actions that make her feel badly. The person in charge of stopping them, at his point, is her.

I need to be careful on these forums, because I think it's verboten to assign any agency to the person suffering the problem. It\s frustrating to me, because sometimes agency should belong to the lawyers, or the police, but it starts primarily with the OP. She is taking his calls, and that's absurd. If you stick your hand in fire, it's going to get burnt, and in this case the OP's bf has proven to be firey.

I feel like like it's often a good and empowering thing to be given agency - the OP has a choice to take the calls or not. If they make her feel bad she can either 1. choose not to take them and live a happy life or 2. choose to take them, feel very bad then come here and get ego-nourishment for having been a victim of those calls. To me, 1. option is preferable, empowering.

It's very awful to say, but people do sometimes glamourize and even weaponize victimhood. That's good and understandable in cases when victims have no other choices, but here, the OP *has a choice. She **chooses*** to take the calls.

i dont understand what you're talking about but I like your avi it's funny!

mystic dolphin wrote:i dont understand what you're talking about but I like your avi it's funny!

Hahha aww bless <3 I just want for the OP to know she has the choice not to take the calls, and that that's a better option than taking the calls and feeling bad. She chooses. *She* chooses, not him. She's in power in this situation.

A lot of women find some kind of glamour in having men treat them badly, and then complaining about it afterward. For some women that's not a choice; they have kids, no skills, are perpetual victims of abuse etc. The OP has a choice. She can choose not to feel victimized. No one is making her pick up the phone.