Time for my GF to check in for long term care? Trigger.

<<Trigger, I think>>

Hi all, I'd appriciate any advice you can give. I'm writing for advice on what to do for and with a girlfriend/ex-girlfriend.

Me: 21 male, in college, history of physical abuse from my father
Girl: 21 female, history of sexual abuse from her mother (who believes she has forgotten), depressed, perhaps borderline, extremely compulsive

Situation: We met when we were 17 on a chatroom. After keeping correspondance, I visted her for her high school graduation and spent two weeks with her family. Our relationship became more serious over time and she dropped out of college her freshman year to live with me in California. As she was originally from New York, I worked for the next two years to transfer back accross the country so that she could be closer to home and continue school. At this point she had not remembered her abusive past, and the relationship was going well. Some things, however, were odd.

She created several "rules" for our relationship that we agreed to; no chatrooms, no masturbation, no porn, and unrealistically restrictive expectations of what constituted cheating (no hugging, etc.). She had no reason to believe I had or would cheat, but feared me leaving her. Meanwhile, during this; she was breaking her own rules by masturbating and going to chatrooms, was sneaking candy and alcohol, and could not hold down a steady job before getting fired. She refused my suggestion of counseling, and snapped at me for asking her if she had issues with abuse in her past.

We're back in New York, and have been for a little over a year. The relationship slowly went downhill, and I now believe she became depressed. The lies continued, and progressed. I told her that if she couldn't get her life straight with me, that she should see if she could do it with her family or out on her own. I told her that we could stay together but that it didn't seem good for her to be living with me. She snapped. She tried to block me inside the apartment and started screaming at me. She threatened to kill me and picked up a kitchen knife. I suddenly realized what a good idea telling her to leave was. I let her yell at me for three hours before I took the knife, gave her a couple grand for an apartment nearby, and told her to call when she cooled down. After she did contact me, the relationship seemed to improve, but she seemed to be getting worse. After seven weeks, I asked her to move back in, sensing she was very off. Later I would find that during the time living on her own she had had numerous unsafe sexual encouters, had sexual relationships with 25 to 30 men and women, sent full pornographic pictures of herself to men she'd met online, averaged more than a liter of 80 proof liquor a week, paid none of her bills and accumulated a bit over five thousand dollars worth of debt. To say that she was unstable is to make an understatment. On her own, she could not function in life.

She started talking about her abuse for the first time, after I again brought up her past. She was sexually abused by her mother between the ages of 8 and 10, until her younger sister was born. She says she knew it was wrong but that she liked it, since it was the only way she could receive her mother's attention. Her mother, for her part, is a mess. Her mother has been diagnosed with depression and BPD, is a chain- smoking alcoholic, and has a hard-as* personality front as a self-defense mechanism. My girl also abused her little sister, later.

I felt in a bind about what to do with the girl. She could not handle living on her own, and she shouldn't live with her abuser parents. She also didn't have any friends that were good influences. I felt that if I didn't help her out, she'd end up dead in short time. For the past four months we lived together, and decided to get back together. She's very good at pretending things are well, when they're actually very bad indeed. She has taken on two part time jobs, and had to quit both. She's been getting counseling, but her counselors don't understand how bad things are, and tell her that she's a low priority case.

She has made some progress. She journals once in awhile, she has stopped masturbating, she's reading the abuse books I buy her, and in small ways it's easier for her to tell the truth.

Most recently, she's made four major mistakes. She met a guy at work and slept with him. She's been regularly shop-lifting. She can't be honest about major issues. Everytime I try to hold her accountable for what she's done, she's runs back to her parents for a few nights.

Other miscellaneous problems, in no order:
She can't be faithful
She gets a sexual thrill out of anything socially unacceptable, such as shoplifting
The more risky sex is, the more desireable it is
She has a thing for BDSM
She uses sex as a way to make friends and feel loved
She tries to use sex to solve relationship problems
She wants to have sex with any friend she makes, guy or girl
She wants to have sex with family members
She's willing to sell her body
She makes wonderful promises that she can't fufill
She is very good at manipulating people
She used to masturbate multiple times a day, past the point it would hurt
She has a poor body image, though no eating disorder
She doesn't care who she hurts
She doesn't care if she ends up homeless
She doesn't value herself
She doesn't have a problem with directly self-destructive behavior, such as suicide or cutting, but has a problem with indirectly destructive behavior-- like sex with strangers without protection-- apatheic to consequences.
She's stuck at age 10.
While some things have improved, she's worse now than ever
She doesn't know how to love

My advice to her:
Stop doing, start thinking
Check yourself in
Don't make friends for awhile
Stop running back to your family and cut them from your life
Do more journalling
Find positive activities that give you happiness
Don't let a troubled past discount hope for the future

What the hell do I do? I'm not sure, but as I try to help her figure herself out, this is taking its toll on my life. Oh, and I hate New York . I've dropped out of the Ivy-League school I was attending, I'm drinking too much, I'm losing contact with old friends and family, and I'm getting depressed. Keeping her stable enough to live day to day is a full time job.

She wants to move back to California with me. I want her to get very serious help and leave her be. Her parents want her to live with them and have her limp through life like they have, afraid to rock the boat and have her remember the abuse. Her friends are f'ups. She said she knows she should check herself in, but that she probably won't because she's afraid of being alone. She says if she's not with me, she'll run to someone else for a relationship based on casual sex.

I'm not sure what to do here. Should she check herself in somewhere? If so, for how long? Should I stay with her? Is it possible for her to turn her life around in this area so close to other people who will temporarilly bail her out, and where she's already screwed up?

I just don't know what to do.

bad times, you sound like a very caring individual but your g/f's problems are just too big for you to handle alone. She needs professional help and probably medication. If you can get her to check herself in for care, it would probably be the best thing for both of you. She probably has BPD pehaps along with HPD. This is for a professional to decide and treat. You need to have the freedom to proceed with your life without having to be her caretaker, as much as you seem to want to help. Hopefully you can do this so you can recover the you that was lost in the drama of HER life. Perhaps you can rekindle your ambition without the anchor tied to your ankle? This is the best advice I can offer. I wish you the best.

Yeah, I think admitting her in is the best idea. She'll listen to me, and recognizes it's the right thing to do. I only fear that she's not in a place in her life yet to do the right thing. I don't know, I'm just so sick of it.

Yeah, one psych told her she may have HID, too. I don't know, but everyone who's seen her has said she is borderline. You may be right. Either way, she needs more real help than I can give her at this point, I agree.

She's probably sick of it, too, so maybe she will listen to you. She just can't go on the way she is. It's too destructive. Surely she knows that and will comply since you've already discussed it in the past? Getting help could really get both of you on a better path for your futures whether together or not. You can decide your own future when you get her to commit to doing something about hers.

..wow man, you truly have your hands full.

Unbelivable what we sometimes will do for others.. I am hoping you are doing well dude, and that your gf is getting some kind of help.

..the worst one can think of right know would be "what if I only jumped ship earlier?".. You`ve stuck with it so far, and now is not the time to quit are my thoughts. This chick ows you big-time, but I am guessing she cant see much other then her own. So be your own bestfriend and complement yourself on how much you have been there for her and continue to do so.

Sometimes we all think we know best, but it is always good to get a second opinon and seek help when we need it. My advice to you is dont keep all this inside you, seek advice and share your thoughts with thoose who care to listen. Just as you have done here, it one why to go about it. Good for you dude