Heartbroken and Confused...

I am a new member and am looking for any commonalities, insights or techniques to a 3.5 year saga with someone who I believe has Anti-Social Personality Disorder. When we met, he swept me off my feet. We got along so well and eventually, our "friendship" grew into more - at least I thought so. We became intimate and he moved in with me. I fell hard for this guy, doing everything I could to ensure he was happy. He has a past - he had been imprisoned for dealing drugs - but I really felt he wanted to change.

It wasn't long before he kept telling me that we were "just friends". I couldn't understand. He was still living with me, his kids were always with us and we shared a bed. I should have bailed then...years later and I've had to deal with subtle criticism, name-calling and it has just recently gotten violent. He moved out about 7 months ago for his "freedom", but up until 3 weeks ago, I spent most of my time at HIS place. He just made another "friend" of his his girlfriend. So, she gets the label and I got nothing.

I can't let him go, yet he is unmoved by my desperate attempts to get any closure. He yells and screams, then ends the call by telling me he loves me and we will always be friends. He told me that I am just too good for him, but this is someone who doesn't feel he is less or inferior to anyone. His constant lying (about even the smallest items) has definitely injured my self-esteem, yet he tells me I am the only one he trusts.

He has damaged things in my home, borrowed money that he never paid back, tells me what a loser and piece of &*$% I am and has now put an incredible distance between us now that he has begun dating this other girl. Every time I try to NOT take a phone call from him, 5 more come through with frustrated and hostile voicemails.

Any help? Any thoughts? I am open to any steps I can take to heal and get this man out of my heart...

Thanks, in advance.

Boy oh boy. You are in a situation that I can sympathize with, sadandhurt.

First, take a look at what he has made your relationship about (because let's face it--he dictates everything about this relationship):
1. he calls you names
2. he devalues you
3. he cheats
4. he lies
5. he steals
6. he uses you
7. he has a drug-dealing past (VERY possible he is currently dealing)
8. he put on the brakes in your relationship without reason and without taking the time or effort to talk it over with you
9. he has chosen to be with another woman but won't let you go
10. he has told you he is not good enough for you (HE IS RIGHT--listen to that one statement and ignore anything else he says)

All the good things about him, and there are very few, are completely overshadowed by his antisocial behavior. He is a piece of $#!*, not you my dear. You cannot control or change this man for the better or for the worse (and it sounds like he's already pretty bad). His actions belong to him alone, and "getting closure" is something you will have to do on your own.

It will be hard and you may even have to move out of his reach, get an unlisted phone number, or even get a restraining order to do so, but you can move on. Most likely, he will lose interest quickly because he doesn't love you or anyone else. He is incapable of such a thing. You just have to turn around and start walking, sweetie. That is the only way to start.

Find a therapist you trust, spend time with people who love you, keep a journal, exercise, eat well, treat yourself to little things that make you feel special like a manicure or a walk in the park, and crycrycry yourself to pieces when you need to. All these tiny things will be big when you put them together, and you will start healing in spite of him and in spite of yourself. You are worth so much more than his abuse. Give some serious thought to what YOU want in life. Don't settle for anything less than love, and believe me, this isn't it. Keep posting.

Hi Chickadee-
Thank you so much for your reply. It's funny, I have the best support system of friends and family and they have all told me almost everything you stated. It somehow makes more sense when it's someone who doesn't know you (or him) and has nothing vested in your life. Your words are strong and I surely agree with your list - I also know that he loves noone and I guess it's just difficult for me to understand why he wouldn't have just left me alone a long time ago, and once he realized that he didn't want to be with me.

I will, however, take credit for allowing this behavior to continue. In my defense, though, my cards were always on the table and I always tried to be strong and stand firm. He was very good with making me feel like I was important and valued - when it made sense for him I see now (hindsight truly is 20/20). He doesn't understand why we can't be friends and he continues to tell me that this is my issue to get over because he told me "from Day 1" that he didn't want to be with me...Of course, he still lived with me, took money from me, had sex with me, allowed me to care for his children and entertain his friends, cook dinners, do laundry and listen to his fears and worries - none of which he took action to correct or prevent, either.

I guess in the end, this is just one person who I must realize CANNOT be in my life as much as I still want him in it. I made up an idea of him, someone who loved me (even if only as a friend) and someone who would always be there for me even if we both ended up with other people.

Thanks again. I am open to any additional suggestions/insights you might have.

P.S. We took a "break" last year for 4 months and I changed numbers and locks...I'm trying not to go down that road again as I think that shows him my weakness and he will only get a hearty laugh at my inability to "get the f*^% over it"...

I am so sorry, sadandhurt. You are going through hell right now I am sure, and I feel for you. Listen to the people who love you.

I read what you wrote to "ibelieved" on the antisocial personality disorder forum, and you are giving her the advice you have been seeking for yourself. Listen to your own heart, it is already trying to guide you in the right direction. And the years you spent with that sorry excuse for a man weren't wasted--you are smarter, stronger, and kinder because you have looked into the eyes of someone almost inhuman and loved him just the same. Your heart is your strength, not your weakness (although he can't see that and wouldn't admit it if he did). It is impossible to forgive, grow, and move on without one.

You know what you have to do in order to take back your life, so do it. Don't waste another moment without moving in the right direction--away from him. YOU can choose your future, so shape it on your own instead of letting it happen or allowing someone else to choose for you. Move on and leave him behind because he has no place in the life you deserve.

It won't be long before you realize that getting better has nothing to do with him--it's about your life, your journey, your self-image. He is just a speedbump that has slowed you down long enough to force you to see who you really are and what you deserve--unconditional love (there isn't any other kind). Don't neglect yourself any longer--that is what makes us vulnerable to these losers. You are more powerful than you think.

Chickadee,
You sound like a very warm, smart, experienced woman. Will you share your story?

He called me last night...he sounded so sincere - answering questions I asked him weeks ago, but was ignored...he told me he's not sure why he won't choose me and he's sure one day he will regret his decision. He loves me and cares about me and wants me in his life, but he's a f*&^ked up kid...that's what he kept repeating...he's not a kid and I'm tired of hearing that as an excuse when he won't get help. I didn't say anything back to him, I just listened. He tells me Ishould relax because I have him married to this girl already and who knows if it will even last...he doesn't care if it ends, so he says, but I told him we don't get involved with others to NOT care if it ends...

I think his actions speak louder than his words and if my friendship was so important to him, wouldn't he make an effort to see me and check in regularly? I was sick all week with an awful stomach virus and only asked me if I wanted him to bring me soup once & he was with his girlfriend?? Seems odd...

Anyway, if you would like to share your story and how you got past the hurt, I would be grateful.

Well at least you can have some kind of relationship. I just cannot even talk to women anymore, they're just not interested in me anymore- its just my luck they've always got someone else in mind, and it happens all the time. I'm only 23, and I've always not only looked good but have always been a nice guy too back in the days of teenhood, and I used to swing their heads but now- I don;t now, I just lost the touch somehow. Everythings kind of fallen apart- I developed severe OCD
from around age 19 or so, I've suffered bouts of depression since 16
but now w/ OCD its ridiculous. I've been socially withdrawn now for a while, and I'm only now trying to be more social again, but I somehow find myself being even more self conscious, shy, and afraid of social situations than ever before, I 've always been the quiet guy but at least I was able to be normally social, but now.... ALso I've gone from being a straight A student w/ a Rutherford Scholarship from high school to a barely passing one in university, and to think I had high hopes of med school (I wanted to be a doctor since I was a kid)- all shattered. Maybe I'm giving off a negative vibe b/c of all this, I don't know, but can you blame me?, its like my life has been through a hurricane, and now I have to slowly start all over again...

And so, to articulate all of this, in the words of The Tragically Hip, "Boots or Hearts":


Well I thing that theres a problem here
Her voice just don't sound right
But I left myself on the answering machine
Said "I'm back in town tonight."
I feel I stepped out of the wilderness
All squint-eyed and confused
But even baby raised by wolves
They know exactly when they been used

See when it starts to fall apart
Man, it really falls apart
Like boots or hearts when they starts it really falls apart

Fingers and toes fingers and toes
Forty things we share
Forty one if you include the fact that we don't care
Now you've blocked off most of main street
For your faith parade
Well, everyone in town now- they probably all agree..
I'm lyin in the bed I made

See when it starts to fall apart
It really falls apart
Like boots or hearts when they starts it really falls apart

Now you won't even let me talk to you
We got some air to clear
We'd probably only agree on one thing anyway
That's what the hell is happening here?
See when it starts to fall apart
It really falls apart
Like boots or hearts when they starts it really falls apart