Why Do BPD's Go Cold? *TRIGGER WARNING*

So I know that most women have moods and go hot and cold, but why is it that women with BPD tend to go cold way more often? This woman that I've been seeing has BPD (though she would never admit it) and will love me one week and won't speak to me the next. Then she'll love me again. It's truly annoying and I'm simply wondering why people with BPD do this. When she's ignoring me, she's hanging out with other guys, sleeping around when she gets wasted, and just overall ruining her life. I don't know why a woman would want to further ruin their life week after week when they're already an emotional mess, so why the heck do women with BPD do this? You have a guy who's better than any other guy out there and you kick him to the curb every other week? Then come crawling back crying because you made bad choices? Then you do them again? Uh yea makes sense. Someone explain.

Has she been formally diagnosed BPD?

I haven't asked, all she has told me is that she was hospitalized over summer when her ex dumped her. She definitely has a personality disorder though, normal girls don't just use men and then kick them to the curb like she does. The more you get attached to her, the quicker she drops off because 'she is meant to be alone' plus suicidal thoughts and whatnot. Yea, I'm an idiot for trying to stick with this girl... All I see is that the only way to truly date a BPD is to never let them know that you're into them as they'll just go cold on you and ditch you. In other words, it's like the only way to be with a BPD is to not have true feelings for them... that is really sad!

I think without a diagnosis you shouldn't be suggesting she is BPD, she could just be a naughty girl who likes to play around. I know of chicks that would do that and they were perfectly normal, I also know they would use who ever was silly enough to "stick by them" (one min love the next ignore) even I have played that game. She needs to want to speak to someone so they can asses her that isn't your job.

You may want to be the "hero" because you think you love this girl but you are wasting your time unless she wants to stop and get help nothing will change.

Well, you are certainly not alone, oscarkool.

My last relationship was very much the same way. My boyfriend was fairly "up" in mood during the early course of the whole relationship. I knew he had bipolar since I personally knew his ex, but it didn't seem to be a problem until we hit the 4 or 5 month mark. Then there were days he didn't talk and I'd eventually get him to say something like "I'm depressed". For 4-6 days, there would be no responses from but I would occassionally often assistance without luck.

On the days where he was feeling better, he would occupy himself in his work. It was always sleep (depressed cycle) or work (feeling good cycle) and there never appeared to be much time for me. It didn't really matter if you address the concern, at least in my case. Ironically, when he went into the suicidal episodes, I appeared to be the most important person. I'd get at least 20 phone calls and messages and I would tell him to relax and just do deep breathing. Hell if I knew what to do, but I tried to calm him down. Of course ... that's the few times I'm wanted, when he threatens to kill himself.

Lastly, the sex. Well, it used to be there. Infact, for the first few months I couldn't even keep up with his demand but I liked that part about him. When he went into the "cold" stage, I felt like I also lost emotion. He said to me "I don't know why I'm not sexual" so I instantly figured it was the bipolar depression. The cycles vary ... some are days, weeks, months. So if it seems that your partner shifts into a contradicting action, may well be part of this.

Like in your case, my partner didn't seek help. He was diagnosed as a teen and he eventually confessed that he'd stop taking medication. He does smoke this synthetic "spice" that I noticed gets him into a euphoric mood, which basically is the other extreme. I like that extreme, but like the absymal depression, it can only be tolerated for so long. So, ultimately, everything I mentioned above lead me to cut him off. It is sad, indeed, because nobody really wants this come to an ending after you look at the good times. But, in reality, when both sides can't compromise on an affective action then this is ultimate solution.

Sorry I ranted about my story, but I just wanted to say that you don't need to kick yourself for her actions. Obviously, you did as much as you could in this case and in the end she will make the decisions. But at least you have offered assistance to her which I think is positive

I'm in a similar situation. My girl (ex?) has been diagnosed with BPD (or elements of it as part of a wider condition depending on which doctor she spoke too). I suppose i'm fortunate in that because she has had four years of treatment for these issues she is quite in touch with it and was able to say to me 'look, I get cold and distant when it's bad, you need to understand that because I don't want to hurt you'.

It's tough not to take the knockbacks personally, I know it's not really her. But like you i'm not sure how to deal with it or move forward with it. I get frustrated, annoyed and hurt. Everything she expects! But I don't want to let her know because I don't want to be another one of 'those guys'. Pah!

I'm going to generalize, so forgive me -

For someone with BPD, their emotions swing between extremes. It is not a conscious choice. It's that their emotions really are not under their intellectual control.

It is very easy to get upset with someone with this disorder, to want to believe that just saying some words will change how they feel, but it doesn't work. Analogy - it really is like trying to tell someone who is blind 'just see damn it' - doesn't work.

But in a twisted way, those with this coping mechanism, versus others with cluster B disorders, are also the most compassionate and pitiful. I don't use the word pity here in a derogatory way. I mean they are worthy of our compassion too. Because you see they hurt terribly inside, and where other cluster B types mask that behind walls and coping mechanisms, someone with BPD feels their hurting core personality nearly all the time.

That written, you must protect yourself too. While someone with BPD does live in an internal hell, you can't help them by being dragged under and drowning too. For someone with BPD whose ego is shattered, there is hope, but it will mean they will need to make a choice to seek professional help. As a lover you just can't fill that role. They need a neutral therapist who is experienced in helping those with this disorder.

Unfortunately the quandary for someone with BPD is that to accept they need help would also mean to accept that they are damaged; that others see it; that... their ego is broken into a million pieces, and to see themselves in that way will likely lead them down a spiral into blackness and more pain. A place they cannot go. So unfortunately very few of those with BPD will seek out the professional help they need. Terribly sad really.

-- Sun May 13, 2012 8:24 am --

oscarkool wrote:...the quicker she drops off because 'she is meant to be alone' ...

p.s. yes for someone with BPD, or really all cluster B disorders, this is the root feeling they have which causes them to run. But you see when she is alone nobody can hurt her any deeper then she already hurts, and for those with BPD they do indeed hurt, more or less constantly.

i dont know about BPD but if she kicks you to the curb and ignores you and then comes back and each time you LET her, then she wont see you as a guy that's better than the one's she's with when she's ignoring you. She may see you as very weak and having low esteem to let her treat you that way. As i say, I dont know how BPD works, but if I did that to you (not that i would) but if i did, that's what i'd think. I'd kind of think "sucker, you get what you deserve, grow a backbone and kick me to the curb"!

EarlyMorning wrote:... but if I did that to you (not that i would) but if i did, that's what i'd think. ...

A generalization, but my experience with BPD is that they think somewhat differently. People call it push/pull. Pushing others away and that they come back is a kind of proof that they are really loved, plus being intimate with another can cause them to panic. Often fear of abandonment, so they may abandon first, but also there is a feeling of safety in being alone (nobody can hurt them), while at the same time fear of being alone. It's a complex disorder with a lot of inconsistent beliefs/feelings that don't make sense to others, but do to the person with the disorder.

But yes absolutely, BPD or not, it doesn't matter. The OP should set boundaries, protect himself, and like you wrote, if he wouldn't tolerate a behavior from someone who is "normal" then he shouldn't from someone who has a cluster B disorder like BPD either. It's not good for him, and it's actually not good for the person with BPD. Even those with BPD do need to understand that others have boundaries, and the only way they learn that is because others enforce their boundaries. It makes it worse really to learn otherwise.

OP is not sure of BPD.
Promiscuity of said partner can be cause. Maybe said woman just is as is, likes to get hammered and screw around. Didn't mean as insult. Could have said things much worse.

If woman = BPD, be careful. She's not a toy you can stash when don't feel like playing. If sincere, you'd be with a person with a complicated disorder for a very long time; if you are not sincere in this relationship then do her and you a favor and walk away.

I did found this:
"A similar pattern is having multiple lovers at the same time; the person engages one part of the self with one partner and another part of the self with someone else."
“PSYCHOTHERAPY OF SCHIZOID PROCESS” by Gary Yontef

Note that it applies to the schizoid, but it's normal to have other traits like so.
(correct if wrong please)

I actually agree with you in that people with this kind of love-approach are hard to relate to. It is, as you said, as if you can't feel for them, when you start they're gone.

I may perhaps be talking s*it; anyways hope any of this helps.