Left my GF (my BF for 10y) even though both love each other

My GF is my best friend for 10 years now and we are much alike. We sometime are thinking in the same things and think about each other at the same time. Anyway, she left her ex-boyfriend (they were together for 7 years) 1 year ago, than I started to feel interest for her. I kissed her 3 month after that and than we spent like 6 hard months. 1st she said she was confused, because her ex- were still in her memory and I was her bestfriend; I kept fighting for her for several months and than I felt like $#%^ and decided to end it all (1month after that she came after me, though she was not decided to start a relationship because she felt she would be better all alone).
2 month ago she decided she wanted to be my GF. She said: I only accept it because I know you and you waited and fought for me.
We spend wonderful times but somehow she felt she was not giving me the full love I deserved. She said I was a wonderful guy, that there was nobody in this world like me, that she knew I was everything she ever needed, that I was dedicated, funny and creative and that she felt really loved. Then we agreed to give each other a time and after 2 weeks she couldn't stand not being with me. When we got together I felt she was different: she started having the initiative, start saying she really liked me, wanting to kiss me all the time (before that she said I was too kissy). However, she told me that things were not fixed yet, that she needed to be alone to settle things in her mind. I asked her then if her ex- knew that I was her boyfriend and she said she didn't because he was still after her, that he was miserable without her and that she felt sorry for him. She said they couldn't have a decent talk, they couldn't be always smiling, they were different in several things, that she knew it wont work and that everything he didn't have and she was looking for I do. I decided to break up 4 days ago and she said this was probably the biggest mistake in our life and that she felt this was not the end. We took 2 hours to leave each other, both crying and telling each other how much we like one another for 2 consecutive hours and than we came back to hug each other one more time.
I decided to keep going with my life, but I can't stop thinking about her. Ive got some girls in my life and I never saw anyone as my future wife until now. I said to her that she didn't buried her ex totally and by trying to protect him, she was injuring all 3 and that was the reason why she couldn't move on. I know she will eventually, but when she realize that I will be gone. I guess the timing was wrong, because I really thing she loves me (she send me a sms today saying she can't stop thinking about me, that she likes me a lot and that she was fighting not to go after me). What's your perspective? Is a future with her still possible? A psychologist told me that sometimes takes 2 years to completely erase an old relationship. Was I too impulsive?

You said

I guess the timing was wrong, because I really thing she loves me (she send me a sms today saying she can't stop thinking about me, that she likes me a lot and that she was fighting not to go after me). What's your perspective? Is a future with her still possible? A psychologist told me that sometimes takes 2 years to completely erase an old relationship. Was I too impulsive?

This, in a nutshell, perhaps explains a lot. It sounds as if this woman needs to process all the emotions involved in the split with her ex. Ten years is a long time and the feelings of the break up don't disappear overnight. Please read the sticky above the forum about the Seven Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship.
relationship/topic84035.html

It sounds as if this woman is torn between the feelings that she has developed for you, and the feelings of grief that she will naturally be going through after the end of this relationship. This in no way detracts from your worth as a person, or your suitability as a partner for this woman. These emotions are entirely separate, and they are feelings that she needs to go through in order to recover and move on. Until she has done this, she will be unable to offer you true commitment. This may take some time, or she may move through the stages quickly. There is no yardstick. If you can show her some understanding and empathy, this will go a long way, and she will come to realise that she can depend upon you and trust you.

In the meantime, you may need to look at the emotions you are going through yourself, and try to make some sense of them. Therapy can help you both,

If you give this woman time, she may process her feelings and be more able to give you the love you need in return. I wish you both well.

Personally, I don't listen to psychologists all that much; for eons they held the same chairs in universities as philosophy, yet, after the 1920's, they branched off into their own pop science (which has had some great discoveries, of course). However, I take much of what they say with a big, fat, grain of salt. I find the whole pursuit of psychology an arrogant thing, the idea that someone else should know more about ourselves than we do.

What about that old wisdom of some of the wise elders? They often, I've found, have ways of distilling things into simplicity and easiness, unlike a lot of the psycho-babble I've heard. Blah blah blah... because of this, you're like this, and because of this, you SHOULD be like this and all that nonsense about "normal."

I'd cut out the paper pushing behavioral scientists, if I were you. Is there anyone old and wise in your life? Any senior citizen friends you can talk to? I've found, on the whole, elders that I know, are happy to be asked questions that respect their wisdom and experience. It makes them feel useful and wanted in their community.

What is it with all these "professionals" solving people's problems, anyway?

The aim of therapy, in particular Person Centered Therapy, is not to advise or to be an expert on the person's life. It is to help the person to come to their own conclusions, have faith in their own opinions, and to find their own solutions. By doing so, they find a sense of autonomy. Talking through their experiences and feelings can help them to see their own patterns, and to learn from them. A good therapist will not attempt to solve problems and will not use a solution based approach.

She sends me messages everyday now, telling me how foolish she was, how miserable she feels and that she understands ifI try to forget her but she won't!
Being truthful, Im a little bit tired but then I think about her and I see a future I never saw with anyone else, cause we have that wonderful and positive connection when we are together, always laughing, supporting each other and I always thought that better than passion for a long-term relationship to work, is a deep sense of friendship.
Do you think I should step back from her for like months or accept her back and wait (how long?) for her to slowly mature her love? I can only see a definitive change occurring if she tells to her ex- that they don't have a change now cause she wants to be with me. I know this sounds cruel, but I can only see both of them moving on with this, cause she inside knows there's a man she dumped and that loves her a lot and that didn't give up on her, whom she thought once that was the love of her life. Should I ask her to do this?

LOL:) I like threads that put me in a time machine......let's see... some 15? 20? years ago. I feel like lighting a cig again and finding some dusty casette tapes!

Everlast, you asked if you should wait for her love to mature. I am sorry if I missed something, but I didn’t get the impression that she still has feelings for her ex; she has memories of him and that is very different.
She was with the guy for 7 years. That's a long, long time and pretty much the only thing that she knows is him. I highly doubt that is b/c she still loves him; I think it simply due to the fact that he was part of her life for so long. Wherever she goes, there will be a small part of him and it will remain there for a while. But, that doesn't mean anything.

I would simply ignore him and their 7 years and focus on me and her now. You are probably fairly young and this may sound strange to you, but 7 years can actually work for you, not against you. Most likely that relationship started when they were young(ish) and has slowly worn out. I would be way more concerned if my new partner has just ended an 8 month passionate relationship with a girl he doesn’t want to talk about then a 7 year relationship with a woman who became almost like a sis to him. I couldn’t care less how often he would mention her name; I would focus on building a fresh start for us. Take it easy, fill her time with your presence, offer something different, make her smile, do things together, be young at heart.
Just my 2c.

But, I agree with you in that she should not be hiding her new relationship from her ex. In essence, no matter how strong our love for someone may be, they have every right to build a future for themselves with new partners. So, back to your last bolded question - yes, I would ask her to be open and honest with him.

masquerade wrote:The aim of therapy, in particular Person Centered Therapy, is not to advise or to be an expert on the person's life. It is to help the person to come to their own conclusions, have faith in their own opinions, and to find their own solutions. By doing so, they find a sense of autonomy. Talking through their experiences and feelings can help them to see their own patterns, and to learn from them. A good therapist will not attempt to solve problems and will not use a solution based approach.

So... how many years of school does it take to be able to do this?

Five years plus in the UK. It is not as simple as it seems. It can take a great deal of skill and in depth knowledge of psychology to enable a client to focus on the concerns and attitudes that are relevent, and to foster self esteem. I suggest you Google Person Centered Therapy and Carl Rogers to learn more about the way it works. Sometimes a person's issues are too deep rooted to be helped by merely talking with a friend. There are many people, myself included, who can vouch for the effectiveness of therapy.

I am doing all crazy stuff for like 4 month: drawing things on her car, texting, making surprises at work/home, going to beautiful and unexpected places...that's why its so harsh for me to see that she's the only one that can't accept the deep feeling she has for me (Im telling her that for 4 months lol)
Yes we are young - 24y - and I don't think she wants him back (she told me by sms today that she wants to fight for us). I can accept her back but I will ask her to be honest to her ex- (by phone, facebook, whatever). I hope we are right about her!
Thx a lot...you make a lot of sense about things so hard to understand!

EVERLAST2 -

I honestly don't know if anyone can do better then guess at what your future will bring.

From my honest experience, and perhaps unfortunately, a long friendship, being a great person, showering her with surprises, while they do increase the odds, there are elements to love that just can't be made to happen. It happens or it doesn't. Timing being one of them, and it does sound like she is still getting over the other guy.

Sometimes even, being friends for a long time can be the very thing that prevents it from happening. One person or the other comes to see the other in a way that they can be friends with, open up in certain ways, but also filing the person away mentally/emotionally in such a way that they can't later switch their feelings into lover mode, like they might with a stranger and the timing is just right.

You seem like a really good guy and my gut reaction is that she is torn. That everything is 'right', and a part of her doesn't want to lose you, yet either -

She is still not over her ex, and therefore not ready yet,

or

Your prior friendship has gotten in the way of how she feels,

or

Sadly, the UN-explainable chemistry that some people need to feel is there for you, but not for her. When this happens it sucks, but it does happen. It's a semi-rare thing when two people just have that chemistry for each other that draws them to each other on a level that neither of them fully understands, but they feel it and can't help but feel it.

Like I wrote above, you seem like a really good guy and sometimes no matter how good we are, it has nothing to do with us, it's just not the right timing, chemistry, whatever factors there are that lead up to that point where both people feel a love for each other and only each other. I wish you the best in figuring it out.