The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

brbidentitycrisis wrote:I wish I had an "Off" button. Several "Off" buttons for several things.

Agreed. It's been almost 2 years and I still. just. can' t. let. all of it go.....

He told me not to contact him, and that he left the state. I did send him a goodbye/thank you email in return. I haven't gotten a reply. I dread a reply, but at the same time, I want one and I want it to be reassuring.

So I keep checking my emails.

Anyway, so all I can do is wait. I can't chase. I can't reach out to him. I can't even try. I deny every urge to do it. Fear and obedience makes the urges very easy to ignore. He made the decision to end this relationship. I never made that decision. I still hold him in the same regard and he's welcome back into my life and home if he ever decided that's where he ought to be. But, I can't chase him. He told me not to.

If all I'm gonna find is someone who doesn't want me, then it's the last thing I wanna do anyway.

Eventually I have to stop waiting, though. This hope is false because clearly, what I want and what he does isn't the same thing anymore. I wish I could stop actively wanting him back.

Still gotta throw away the rest of his stuff...

It's weird. When I walk, I'm not in a hurry anymore. Nothing seems to offend me like usual. There is such a bigger pain I'm feeling at almost every moment that when something "bad" happens - normal, every day things that use to set me off - it looks so f*cking small and petty compared to everything.

I just missed the bus. I can still catch it. I probably wouldn't even have to stop typing to do it; I can just jog. The bus stop looks like it's 30 yards away.

If I miss it, I'll likely have to wait another 20 minutes for another one.

Oh well. Goodbye, bus.

What's the point of rushing? Where do I have to be?

What's so convenient that inconveniences are significant?

Maybe I should walk. Kill some time. Screw the bus. Zombie-walk my way to my destination.

I just have to stop looking into distant crowds, searching for a light brown ponytail and green shorts.

... Never mind. I'll wait for the bus.

I don't care if I have to wait an hour.

I can wait forever.

This is wrong. I have to stop checking my emails. I don't even know if he checked my goodbye/thank you email yet. If he's even been online. If he saw the message and trashed it without opening it. There's an AT LEAST 50% chance that if he ever emails me again, the message would be so painful I would regret its existence... and mine. So it's probably not worth it even if he does send me one. I should let the last time he hurt me BE the last time he hurts me.

Out of the good scenarios (that he emails me taking back his decision), the most likely one would end in him showing up at my door. He knows he's welcome.

But I'm being ruled by the hopelessly hopeful part of me that thinks not only may he want to come back, but maybe he'll want to await my permission. Maybe he'll send me an email saying that he loves me, misses me, and wants to come home only if it's ok with me. What if this happens and I don't check the message for... half a decade? Or ever? He would have thought I refused him and move on.

-- Fri Aug 01, 2014 4:20 pm --

Nothing in that scenario is even like him, and isn't likely enough in general to risk getting hurt worse.

But I just keep checking.

Ugh!

I should be staying as far away from that email account as possible. Avoiding it at all costs.

mack10zie wrote:I just ended a 1 year relationship 4 days ago. By the way I am acting you'd think it came as a surprise. I have been unhappy for a while with him. He has a very volatile personality, always angry about something from traffic, an ATM charging him $2.00 to take cash out, the mileage on his car going up too fast, you name it and he always took his anger out on me. He never did anything to make me feel special. If it didn't benefit him directly, it wasn't worth his time. Over the course of the relationship he would have extreme explosions of anger towards me, even in public places...

I think I reached a point of of no return, my trust gone. I just didn't feel the same. So 4 days ago I told him I just didn't feel it anymore and I loved him so much but I just cant get to where I was. He then broke up with me before I could even talk with him! He started saying how unhappy he's been with me because I am so controlling and smothering. It broke my heart because all I ever did was try to make him happy because nothing was ever good enough for him. I was constantly seeking approval. I have tried to reach out to him for him to only get angry saying I am making things worse so I finally left him alone. Its been 2 days since I reached out to him and the emotions that are going through my head is mostly bargaining and denial. I keep thinking he will call and I keep blaming myself for the demise of the relationship...

I am just so sorry for what this man has put you through! But I am also going through my own things (that I cannot even explain to anyone)...hope you'll be feeling better and we'll hear from you again.....take care...

I keep trying not to think about the mistakes I made and how things could have been different. It seems pointless to think that way, and it tempts me greatly to try reaching out to him with apologies, confessions and promises.

On top of the guilt & regret, and burning desire to GO BACK IN TIME and do things differently, now I feel like taking action. Which I can't do.

Overall, this has been a terrible day. Day three.

Mornings are OFFICIALLY THE WORST TIME OF DAY!

I don't know how I'm gonna go on. I'm just taking it minute by minute. I can't tell if I'm getting better or worse.

Havoctoria

Are you ok?
You seem to be putting a lot of your thoughts on here (i'm not judging) but you seem to really down on yourself? You've said day 3, is that of your breakup?
I'm on week 5 (ish) and it's still hard but i have lots of people round me that are there to support me have you got anyone that you can talk to?
I'm not very good at given advice as i'm going through things myself but i can always read and respond (if you want)

Clair

Hi Springrainlily,

My last post was a week ago and I feel like I has a relapse. I went a week without contact and I broke down and text him asking if we could talk. We did and it seemed to have helped for a bit, but I called him a few times this week and we talked like normal. Of course, zero attempts were made on his end to contact me and I was back in the position of me making all the effort to communicate. He mentioned to me a few days ago he was coming to San Diego for the weekend (where I live and where he used to live before moving for work) and he would call me to meet up. Once again I am left feeling like a fool, as I was in our relationship. I did hear from him briefly last night, he sent a text asking what I was doing and after I replied I didn't hear a word back. I woke up this morning angry wondering why he would even contact me or tell me he was coming if he had no intentions to see me. I called him angry this morning and rather than being understanding of how I could feel led on he starts saying I am just giving him a headache and he doesn't need the drama and pretty much hung up on me because he didn't wanna hear it. I feel that he purposefully put he idea in my head that we would see each other just to get in in my head and make me wait around on him. He takes no responsibility for his actions...I am always crazy and irrational in his eyes. And he says that he was not trying to make plans with me this weekend and I got that in my head on my own. Am I crazy?! I have spent the majority of the day crying in bed, because I feel used and controlled. I feel like I have been made to think there is something wrong with me for having any expectations on how he should treat me. And part of me thinks he ended things with me just so he could get away with the way he treats me because were "not in a relationship".I am still a human being with feelings. One moment he wants to remain friends because I am so "amazing" and the next I am being treated like scum. I truly don't know how to get out of it. I know the answer is no contact but I felt like a hysterical mess when I was going no contact before.

I am worried for you (sadly I believe that I am more concerned for you than this guy whom you are speaking of); and you and I have not even met. Possibly trust me and anyone that indicates that this is a toxic relationship. All I can suggest is that you start setting limits, avoid anger and possibly expect the worst, if you choose to remain in contact....please let us know how you are doing; and enjoy life (let this guy be someone else's problem)...take care...

Hi mack10zie

We are in the same place at the moment although have different reasons for being there (although a men are involved) i have 2 children and have been with my husband for 15 years (married for 3) so i will have to have some contact with him but when he rings me (about the kids!) he is always friendly and seems to act like nothing is wrong(my tummy goes funny and i get nervous, and just want to scream I LOVE YOU, just COME HOME!!!) he has hardly shown any regret or remorse for us splitting up and if i'm honest the reasons are so stupid but to him there big!!!!!! He gives me hope with something he says and does then takes it away wit the next breath I'm lost without him and the no contact thing is killing me (contacting someone everyday for 15 years then nothing is very hard!!!) We still find each other attractive and that's a MASSIVE problem as we know how to get each others attention (apparently this is the last thing that will go at the end but you have to be strong and stop it???? Well we can't although we know we should it's the only way i feel close to him and it feels so natural as he's still my husband). He still has most of the control and i can't let him go although everyone tells me to and get on with my own life and be happy (inc him)??? (how can i be happy, when i want him back, i love him and i'm IN love him him!) he has told me in the past that we will NEVER get back together (that broke my heart) but more recently he's said you never know what's round the corner!!! (he might just be saying that as it's what i want to hear and it's easier for him) but will then turn round and tell me that i need to get things sorted as after all the bills are paid in august he won't be paying them any more!!!!
I'm LOST and CONFUSED and I CAN'T move on the thought of him with someone else is killing me and tearing me up inside, he says he doesn't want another relationship but he works(away and very hard) and goes out so could easily find someone new, while i'm just sitting at home he did ask the other day if i had kissed anyone else (which i thought was strange!) so i asked him the same question, this confuses me even more as i want to trust him but he's making it so hard!!!! I'm this weird person i don't like and all i can think of is getting on his phone and emails to see what and who's he's contacting but if i could get on them i could delete certain contacts to get them out of my head!!!! I've gone mad and need help (he's become very secretive with these and says that he has a personal life that i don't have any say in!!!!) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-- Mon Aug 04, 2014 11:26 am --

Hi Mephestic

I'm so happy for you and your new life

Your right when you say you don't now where you'll be in 12 months and that is a good way of looking at it but at the moment the tunnel is to flaming long and no light at the end of it. I'm normally such a happy, positive person but that's not me and i can't get out of it at the moment. I want him back and i love him so much it hurts and i really can't see any way out of this i just want to scream