The 7 Stages of Grief after the end of a relationship

Lol don't worry about that Clairl. I'm ok thanks but I'm not here to talk about me, it's you and your situation that I'm concerned about.

I know you've both talked about not telling the kids yet and I think that's a good idea. At least not until you've sorted out what happens between you both. In my opinion it's good that he's apologised and it shows he's recognised he's at fault here but I still don't see him doing enough to put the situation to bed. It's not fair on you that you should have to wait in limbo until he makes up his mind about what he wants. If you give him some time I suppose that's fair but I think you also need to be strict with him and let him know that eventually his time will be up and he can't keep you hanging on edge like that. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh I just don't think it's fair what he's doing.

Morning Bilbo

It's not harsh it's the truth and the worst thing is i know it all.
We did talk quite a lot last night about things (again), and he said some really strange things e.g if i had shown more emotion (got angry)than he probably would have shown more emotion as well! I explained that i don't like getting angry and i don't think that'll help anyone.
I showed him a message that i had sent someone (a close friend of both who i know he's spoken to) he doesn't know who it was that i sent it to and he just went quiet, he said that i don't seem to listen to everything he says and i only take the bits i want to hear and focus on them and that i'm moving to fast as i'm looking for a solution and there might not be one.
I booked into see a councilor for this Monday and last night he also said he thinks it's to soon and that he doesn't want to go, I then said he owes me that much at this time, which he didn't like and said that this will be all he owes me if he goes, which i didn't like and started to get angry.
We was going round in circles and it went quiet then before he went to go he asked what i was thinking about (which was destructive it was about her) and i started to ask more questions, he didn't like that but answered them , which was not nice to hear but in a sick way i feel like getting everything in the open helps????
He also said that as he hasn't been happy for a while it's down to things that i used/still to do e.g i'm very controlling, he doesn't have much freedom, i don't like him seeing his friends, i'm basically possessive and controlling and messy (this is a big one as he's a clean freak and i am this one) and he feels under valued etc and he's never liked all this (but again he's never said before). He feels that he's done everything just for me the house we live in, the area we're in etc and I've never given him much back (although he say's said i'm a fantastic mum and i'm very loving, and caring and he know's i'm always there and that i would never give him a reason to worry about things) but he's started to take me for granted and he's trying to get things sorted in he's head, and i'm still not letting him do it? (my view is if we talk then nothing is being hidden and we can move on) He said that i have to get used to the fact that what we had is broken and yes he's caused that but we can never go back and if he needs to think if we have a future together. Which he's right i don't like this at all cause i still think we can move forward.
Do you think i'm moving to fast?
Although no one can tell me my mind and how it's works do you think I've come to terms with things? Do you think i have?
Again i'm confused and all this just goes round and round in my head all day, i know some of this is fear and we can't stay together out of fear but i really think we can stay together???
We did talk about certain things that would change if we did give it another go and he said he it was impossible for him to do some!
Writing this down makes me sound really weak and needy etc and in some ways i think i am but in others i can be strong (not as often as i should). It's getting hard with the kids as every day their asking where daddy is, i am lying but we've just got a week to go.
I did say that he needs to think about things quicker and as much as he works hard and that takes his thoughts this should be a priority and he doesn't give it enough time. he did say i might have a point.
We've always laughed and said that we're addicted to each other and now i think there's some truth in it, we know that spending time together (without the kids) just brings things up that we don't like but then end up laughing and joking (mainly rude things) and it starts to feel normal, but then reality hits and things come rushing back.
Also whats worse is i know that most people (inc him) are all saying the same thing!!!!!!!!
I just want to scream and forget the last few weeks (although the catalyst(i found out what happened) was only a week ago).
This is when being an adult is horrible and i just wish someone could talk some sense into him and tell me what to do
Sorry for the long reply again
Thank you

Hiya Clairl,

It's not weak and needy to ask for other people's opinions you are doing the right thing! What do you make of him saying what you have is 'broken'? Do you really think it will work after this or is it more because you want it to work?

Hi ya

It breaks my heart but i sort of understand as he's right to a certain extent, everything that we had before ' when he wasn't happy' is now gone. I'm not sure if it's going to work or not but i really want it to and that makes me sad that i'm not sure he does
I've said that he needs to disappear for 2 weeks with no contact (not even with the kids, not to punish him) that way he gets time to think as well as me, again the only problem with this is next week the kids have lots of concerts etc and would him to go so i don't really want them to suffer yet!
What do you think about the councilor thing? I'm now thinking that maybe he's right and we should leave it for now and re-address at a later date????? But it needs to be cancelled today if it needs to be?

I suppose you could do it one of two ways; keep the councillor appointment for the Monday and if it's not resolved then give him the 2 weeks the following weekend so he can go to the kids concerts or cancel the appointment and give him the two weeks then when he comes back and still hasn't decided use the counselling as a last resort for closure's sake. I'm kinda leaning towards the former I think it would work out better maybe. Like you said, he at least owes you this much so if he really is serious about trying to sort things out he will go. If he refuses then I'd seriously look at his motivation for rectifying things.

I've taken some positive action (at last)and thank you for your advice, i cancelled the appointment and have given him the 2 weeks, he has taken the kids away this weekend and i'm going away as well so we won't see each other this weekend and then as of sunday (as hard as it will be) we will have no contact, I've told him that i will not stop him seeing the kids but i think it's best for everyone if he tells them that he has to go away for work (their used to that) so if he wants to see the kids at their things he can but he's just got to make sure that they don't see him (hard but that's how it's got to be). He was in agreement that we need to do something but he's not sure what and either do i so something is better than nothing! i do feel a bit more in control at the moment which is putting a smile on my face so that's another positive but we will see what happens.

I can not say enough how much you have helped with this situation and by talking to you it's helped my head, please don't take this the wrong way but i hope i don't need anymore help, but if i do i hope you wouldn't mind if i can still contact you for more of your great advice?

No Clairl that's totallly fine. I didn't help really I think deep down you came to the right conclusions yourself with perhaps a little outside influence from me and the people around you. I don't think he can complain with the terms you gave him and I hope he comes to his senses and realises his head was in the wrong place and puts it all behind him but if he doesn't it really isn't the end of the world there is always another path to take and an exciting new prospect ahead of you!

Your always welcome to pop on and give an update on how well things are going if you'd like. (I love to hear success stories ) and if they don't your more than welcome to come back anyway and I'll try my best to do what I can to help. I'm a mod on here so I'm on virtually every day at some point so a reply won't be too far away.

If all does go well and I don't hear from you again I want to take this opportunity to wish you and your family all the best for the future! You deserve it.

Kind regards,

Kyle.

I feel sick, i'm walking round in a daze and i just don't know what to do. As earlier posts my husband (altogether 15 years) of 3 years, with 2 kids has told me today that it's over. What do i do? My friends and family have to me that it will be ok in the end but i can't see that! i'm broken beyond belief and the pain is nothing i've ever felt before. I need a magic wand as i can't cope with this

clairl79 wrote:i'm broken beyond belief and the pain is nothing i've ever felt before. I need a magic wand as i can't cope with this

Ugh, I am in exactly the same place, but I have a couple months head start on you.
I have searched for the magic wand to no avail.
Reach out to friends right from the start. I really didn't have anybody close and sure could have used the help.

I was the one who was not happy, subconsciously I was afraid of being vulnerable, insecure etc and never did anything about it until it was too late. As soon I realized how far I had pushed, all I wanted to do was fix the relationship. I would have given anything to turn back time one month.

Right or wrong, I would say "do not give up on him, us guys take a long time to learn how to be compfortable with being vulnerable."

Talk to a counselor on your own. They are great at listening.

NO contact is hard, very hard.

Thanks Turts

I so want to take him back even after everything that's happened, i just don't understand how, what, where,when. We've spoken loads of times and just go round in circles and now he's got to the stage of being nasty (cause i just won't/can't listen!!) he's told me that there's no going back and there will never be an us (Clair and George) again, he said he hasn't been happy for years (we've been together for 15) and hasn't said anything as he didn't want to hurt me and cause me any pain, (it's not worked!!!!).
We haven't managed to do the no contact thing very well but as we have 2 children so it's hard and will continue being hard, i've watched things on tv (as sad as this sounds) and seen some characters get back together a while after etc and i just hope this happens, i don't think i can fix myself without him and find it hard to see happy couples (and that's not me)he said today that i'm not a bad person and he still cares about me (he doesn't love me in the way i want him to) and all of this is just making things worse (as in me asking destructive questions and not letting him go), his work takes him away all the time so although we're together i've been on my own a lot with the kids(he's just been in oz for 8 weeks, which has been the catalyst) but we have always had contact everyday so i coped as we still spoke but now i have nothing, the kids are and should be my main priority, and they help a bit but they can't give me what he did/does. I don't want him to forget 'us' and all the good and i know that i sound like a door mat and i shouldn't want to take him back but i'm just not cross or angry at him and i defiantly don't hate him (although i know i should!!!) I just love him and i'm in love with him still, i never thought this would happen to me we have/had so many plans and now nothing I have lots of people to talk to and some are really helpful others not so much!!!! I just feel so alone and everything he's telling me takes all my hope away as i've said i so want him back just so the pain and hurt will stop and i want the 'lightbulb' moment (i've been told he'll have) to happen now so we can move on

Thank you for replying, as much as it hurts to see things written down it does help sort of talking to others that have been through this.