Had an Affair with MW (long) *TRIGGER*

Sometimes things aren't as we on the outside perceive them to be or obviously you wouldn't be trying to heal past this particular type of relationship.

Some people suffer on the front end of their life by sexual or mental abuse as just little bitty children or maybe abandonment physically or emotionally by one or both parents, could be molestation from an older uncle or a neighbor, while others suffer through their teen years with rape or drug experimentation that leads to years of drug addiction, and yet others suffer through their adult life with feelings of inadequancy, illness, drug addiction, family struggles or financial issues. BUT at some point in ALL of our lives we are touched by something we mostly hide in the deepest parts of our soul that hurts the most tender parts of our hearts.

You, Blue, are in the RIGHT spot, step outside yourself and your pain for a moment and read some stories on here. There are many people in YOUR shoes, you are not alone. There are stories and struggles on here that will encourage, motivate, touch your heart, make you feel as if meh maybe my life isn't so bad. You are still here and it takes guts to acknowledge your deepest thoughts and pain. It means you realize your life has value and it is time for a change.

Your story believe it or not is not that of a man who lost a love but it is the story of your entire LIFE. This loss is just a moment. You maybe were paid silver on the front end and lived childhood in a blessed fashion and maybe you have been being paid in pennies lately but it sounds to me like you still have gold ahead my man.

Hold your chin up, be proud of the obstacles you have overcome. And keep fighting for that life you know you deserve.

Why do some people strike gold and seem to live the perfect life full of love and others are destined for a life of loneliness and heartache.

The key word is "seem". The more you know someone, the more you will see that the life they live is not perfect. Everyone has challenges (financial, emotional, taking care of sick parents, relatives/friends with addictions, etc)

The only person living a perfect life is the person you don't know well.

I have loved 3 people in my life and they've all left me. I'm so sick of everyone's perfect life while I have struggled with cancer, failed relationships, emotional issues, etc.

The interpretation of an event has more impact on your well being than the event itself.

Narrative Therapy makes you rewrite your personal history. You may rethink and replace "struggled with cancer" with "I caught it early enough to get treatment and now I have a chance to beat it."

List everything you are good at on a piece of paper. List all your successes. Give yourself some credit.

Blue, you will survive this. You can't solve a problem while you are in the same frame of mind that created that problem. You can do it. We don't know you, but we care for you.

Thank you for all the kind words and advice. This sucks but I did talk to a "relationship cpach" yesterday who specializes in affairs and she offered some different perspectives. Was feeling pretty good until this morning. Been really taking stock in myself and I am pretty sure I have multiple issues that have affected ability to be happy---I think I'm avoidant, borderline and have attachment/abandonment issues. Wish i could just live and not think so much. Not that I was perfect before but I think the cancer really changed my outlook on things and not for the better.

Bluedog1130 wrote:Thank you for all the kind words and advice. This sucks but I did talk to a "relationship cpach" yesterday who specializes in affairs and she offered some different perspectives. Was feeling pretty good until this morning. Been really taking stock in myself and I am pretty sure I have multiple issues that have affected ability to be happy---I think I'm avoidant, borderline and have attachment/abandonment issues. Wish i could just live and not think so much. Not that I was perfect before but I think the cancer really changed my outlook on things and not for the better.

Blue, all new insights are always for the better, even though the pay-off may take some time to cash in on. The pay-off will come, guaranteed, just hang-in there. The only way to really get past emotional hurt is to feel it, swim through it, until it no longer has any hold over us.

My attempts to go cold turkey have been a miserable failure. I texted her Sat. to ostensibly apologize to her and to tell her I have peace where we are. This led to texts from her and more back and forth until late Sat. night. I attended a ballgame on Sunday but we still exchanged some back and forth texts. She sent me a picture of her (from her caribbean vacation with her HUSBAND) and then in the very next text said something to the effect of "I can't do this. I feel myself getting drawn back in and I can't do that." So now I am the one groveling to her wanting to keep the fire burning so to speak. She's all I think about and I know I cant have her. Why would she send me a beautiful picture of her and then immediately start the "goodbye" texts?

I would not discount the possibility that this is as hard for her as it has been for you Blue. Sounds like you both still have some healing to do. Love doesn't evaporate overnight, time is your only hope.

Hi Blue
I came across these posts while searching for some information on the net. It's been nearly two years after your last post and I am very much wondering how you are and how things turned out for you.
Your story reminded me so much of my situation, with me being the woman having the affair, with the exception that there are no children involved. I obviously can not make any judgements about the woman you were involved with, and I'm sure time has now changed a lot for you, but reading this I know realise that this is how the single guy that I had the affair with must have felt. We didn't end things on good terms, in fact he has told me that he hates me and called me all sorts of derogatory names. I am wondering how I will get over this, because it's not just loss that I'm dealing with now it also feels like rejection.
I met my current husband 13 years ago at the age of 17, he'd been the only man that I'd ever been with until the affair. I am a reserved and conservative person and come from a very tightly knit family. An affair would have been the last thing that I would have ever imagined I would ever get into. It started out very innocently and became an emotional affair and it stayed that way for months before it became physical, even though we were seeing each other. This was because my conscience would not let me sleep with another man. When it finally did happen one night, things changed for the worse as I could never forgive myself afterwards. I told my husband about the whole thing and tried to end the affair so many times after that. The other man and I did see each other a couple of times after that night but never slept together.
I was completely in love with this person, but I also have an enormous amount of love and respect for my husband. He has forgiven me, and being my first love I will never want to hurt him. However, all throughout the affair I thought of being with this other man, and always thought that maybe one day we'd be together. This man started treating me really badly and became verbally and emotional abusive after the period he went through all of the things that you have mentioned in your post.
I guess he was also hurting and angry.
I just want to say that not everything is a lie, that not every married woman who gets involved with another man is a cheater, a liar and a bad person. There has never been another guy since my first love and I am not a serial cheater. The man I fell in love with though never believed anything I told him though and thinks I was after attention. He told me he wants nothing to do with me even if I'm ever single. That really hurts. I guess what I want you to know is that the married lady you were seeing must have had all sorts of internal conflicts, much like I did and believe me we hurt ourselves more than other person. We know we are guilty. We are ashamed and disgusted with ourselves but we are also attached and in love. The man I had the affair with was very insecure, paranoid and had problem with anger management. This made the situation even more messy and painful for me.
Everyone who knows me respects me and knows I'm a good person. I was just involved in a really bad situation because I was naive and innocent and now I need to start rebuilding my life. Much like what you needed to do. Believe me, we pay the price while going through it, and forever afterwards. It's a mistake but we all make them. I have learnt my lesson and I hope you now know better.
All the best.