Had an Affair with MW (long) *TRIGGER*

Another good question that should probably be asked at this point is what would you do if she contacted you again? If she would have responded to that request for forgiveness? Any tools in place there to be prepared for that or expectation of how you would react? How recent was this?

You haven't spoken to her to really know where her healing is, really did not give her a chance for the same closure. You are only receiving information through third parties? Am I correct about that? Which I would not think is a good thing at all.


If you are currently seeking dates on that online dating site take it very slow and easy. You would not want to bleed this over into anything new. This still sounds very alive in you and you could be setting yourself up for rebound with the new person never quite reaching the level of this last relationship simply because you have not healed or identified your reasons for this relationship.

Just some observational points. Hanging in there?

I'm hanging on barely. Thankfully today was busy at work so I had little time to focus on things other than work. Otherwise I am just barely getting by. I am somewhat of an "avoidant personality" and probably "borderline" too I believe and this has just exacerbated things. Came in last night and holed up in my bedroom which is what I do most nights anyway.

If she contacted me again, I think i'd be ecstatic. I'm pretty sure that isn't going to happen though for a couple of reasons: (1) I betrayed her and (2) she is going to preserve her status quo at all costs. The "cold turkey" no contact is about to put me over the edge. I miss her so much

Bluedog, going cold turkey after msn with this person all day is really hard (I've felt it). I actually went through the grief stages when I lost my friend. I was in denial for a very long time thinking we would be friends again. Then I was pleading (even praying) for us to be friends again. Then I was mad because nothing was working. Then I was sad. I am still sad. But it does not hurt so much anymore.

I did some things to make it better: rented movies, texted other friends (with whom i did not have a lot of contact and they were not close to me, but at least I was talking with others). I also planned some things to do that I could look forward to. Even though I was too depressed to look forward to anything, once I dragged myself i enjoyed it and as a bonus, i did not think of anything else while I was doing it.

I am sorry for your loss. It is hard to cut ties with someone you grew so attached to.

Well she called today wanting "closure" and wondering how I could hurt her the way I did by spilling the beans. Apparently she has lied herself out of it and everything is a-ok in her world while I'm left with the hurt. I want to make her hurt like she has hurt me. I was trying to get past things and move on and this opened it all back up again.

Blue. Take a deep breath and remember you opened that door with the apology and you wanted closure as well. Just take a deep breath and allow yourself to move through your feelings without reaction. Focus on that you ended it and she deserved to forgive and be forgiven too. You are wanting past this and now you have that release to do so. Think peaceful. Breathe and let go. Breathe. We are here for you! You need to let go of the thoughts of hurting her because it is hurting you.

Thank you mt. I can be so impulsive. I just hate the fact (and I don't know why) that it appears she's lied her way out of it and is right back to where she was---e.g. she got to have her cake and eat it too and got away with it. While I sit here in this kind of pain. Why do I want her to feel pain like I am feeling? Guess I'm so upset because I was expecting to hear how she was having a difficult time as well, but sounded like things were just dandy with her---like I said, she lied her way out of it.

Maybe because your mechanism for dealing with your pain needs to be fine tuned? Definitely not a healthy outlet for you to react while in pain because it seems to be a react and regret cycle. Time to let it go and breathe.

You know Blue she probably is hurting and dealing with things in her way which would of course not be your way or you both wouldn't be individuals. Keep that in mind instead of judging how she 'sounds' or is getting by. You again need to stay focused on YOU and getting readjusted to living your life going in a different direction than maybe you felt you may go with her.

How she handled things on her end is her right to do so and should be respected. I may not say that if she were aggressive and hurting you by imposing herself into your life instead of peacefully looking for closure. Being fair there.


I feel for you. I have had a similar experience in my life. A suggestion by me would be to put away or throw away those things that remind you of the relationship. I kept things around for a long time so every time I looked at them or touched them it was literally keeping me from progressing. You may think they are lending you comfort but in reality they are keeping her in your 'present' instead of in your past. I hope you were able to process through your emotions today from her call without smacking back at her because something tells me you really don't wish to hurt her you just wish for YOUR hurt to go away?

Set up that therapy session and be completely selfish and talk about you. Tomorrow will be a better day. I would actually look at today like progress. Especially if you handled that initial impulse to react with no reaction?

I don't know what I have done in my life to deserve such misery and loneliness and failed relationship after failed relationship. I cannot focus on my self and only on how she seems to have "escaped" the pain and heartache I am going through. She lied her way out of this by throwing me under the bus and holding me out to be some love struck stalker type and told people she only "felt sorry" for me so she befriended me. My emotions are a whirlwind from one moment to another---love and heartache one minute and anger and revenge the next.

Why do some people strike gold and seem to live the perfect life full of love and others are destined for a life of loneliness and heartache. I have loved 3 people in my life and they've all left me. I'm so sick of everyone's perfect life while I have struggled with cancer, failed relationships, emotional issues, etc. Really really sick of life right now. I've become terribly depressed and totally avoidant yet I crave a healthy relationship---just dont know or think I am capable of it.

Blue -

Great topic for discussion with a therapist. You know sometimes we people set ourselves up for failure, and not necessarily consciously. I know cause hey, I've done it On the bright side, since that's something we're actually choosing (even if we are unaware), we also have the ability to choose differently (something we do have control over, us, our choices). Just a thought.