Had an Affair with MW (long) *TRIGGER*

I am with xdude, could be the lack of real daily interaction had something to do with building up your feelings to such a level. If you really consider that point, you would have a very concentrated formula of true relationship reality. She may or may not have been a serial cheater, doubtful considering the excessive amounts of attention she lavished on you. I wouldn't waste too much time trying to dissect HER reasons and focus that energy on YOUR reasons. She sounds to have more of a need to mother complex brought on by the aging of her family. While it is understandable she would do anything to save that unit on their behalf and her own it makes no true difference to your outcome and what needs to change for you to move beyond this and become healthy relationship material.

You ended it remember? That part is done and now you need to allow yourself some time to heal.
You exposed her for a reason so as to either hurt her or to end it or both maybe. You probably accomplished both because it doesn't appear she tried ending it by what you have stated. You are free to explore why it happened within you and explore how you can avoid those pitfalls in the future. Give yourself a break and maybe her too. You probably will never get the answers you want on her part as it sounds like you wouldn't believe them even if she were able to tell you. She may not have had malice in her heart and just gotten in too deep for whatever reason. Still don't see how that is going to help you heal by knowing if this reason or that reason were the purpose on her part. Are you in counselling? And if so, how much money are you spending to figure her out in your counselling, money in my opinion better spent figuring you out and healing past this. You sound like a decent person who just got involved with someone who could not be for you what you were able to be for her. You may also be missing the friendship and having to mourn that loss as well?

Yes I ended it AND I hurt her I think because at that point I felt that her feelings had never been true. Here she was enjoying sun and sand with her H with me at home, alone in the cold of winter. It all got to me, the jealousy, the envy, wanting her to be mine when I guess I knew deep down that she wouldn't be. I do mourn the loss of the friendship as much as anything because I shared EVERYTHING with her and she was there for me at least in some way during a most difficult time. It probably helped me dealing with it ending by being angry at her/distrustful of her motives. I want to reach out to her and apologize but am fearful she'll turn that against me. Damn I still love her but i have to quit dissecting her and her motives and work on me---she/the relationship is all I think about. My only respite is sleep.

It is Understandable to want to seek comfort in the 'safety blanket' (her)that you had through a very trying time for you physically and emotionally. There had to be friendship, it wasn't intimate by your own admission for months and I would imagine she saw you in disrepair during the months of illness. You obviously felt supported by her during your illness. It seems only when the uncertainty of the relationship became your dominant thought that you started to villainize her? I may be way off but it seems to me that way. She would normally be who you would have turned to for comfort right? The final piece to this is missing. How exactly did the breaking it off happen? Did you tell her point blank it was over or was there an action on your part that pushed her so far away that a peaceful disassembly was impossible? At the beginning of this post you sounded very angry and bitter at her. I would think the best thing to do would be to work on forgiving her and forgiving yourself for whatever wrongs you feel occurred so you can move past it. It is unnecessary to contact her for that to occur. The breaking it off was the right thing to do however HOW you broke it off may be what haunts you? The fear of moving past her may be the thing hanging you up because you feel she accepted you. Someone else will accept you but you have to give them a chance. Therapy helps when focused on improvement of oneself.

Another question is you have stated she would 'turn your contact against you' twice, why is that?

because I am afraid if I do contact her she will try to say I have been harrassing her, etc. I don't trust her I guess. Oh and as far as ending it, it was my actions. I told her sister and then her sister-in-law (husband;s sister) what had happened which has driven her away completely

Blue dog an apology is a sincere way to purge YOUR conscious and heart, if you are sincere, apologize. But expect nothing in return, the apology is to release you from the wrong you feel you did either to her or by her. Sounds like she really left it peacefully? Retaliation on her part is unlikely as she probably hurt from the loss of you as well and it doesn't sound from your statements that she 'is out to get you'. Did she contact YOUR family or friends to hurt you in any way? No one can go from daily all day contact, to nothing and not have adjustments. So my opinion would be if you truly feel burdened, apologize but EXPECT nothing except closure on how YOU left it. You need to either deal with the wrong you feel you may have done and accept it or apologize and accept you did what you needed to for YOU. Remember we are here for you. I try to be objective and look at both sides realistically because any one of us could find ourselves in a similar situation with a need to be supported. She deserves some compassion here too. Good Luck.

I did text her an apology and I meant it. You were right--no response. I had been villianizing her in order to make sense of my own feelings. The only true fault I have with her is never really telling me she had no intentions of leaving her current situation. Too, I am bitter and angry and feel like I didn't really matter to her, like I was a game or a conquest but maybe, just maybe, she really did have feelings for me and was just in a no-win situation that couldn't be easily gotten out of. Thanks for helping me see that mtcount. It would be easier to build up some hatred for her and I had done that but thetruth of the matter is I LOVED/LOVE her still. Who knows if we could have ever made a go of it (probably not) as I believe the adage: "If they'll cheat WITH you, they'll cheat ON you". Maybe I idealized the whole thing (I believe I am an avoidant personality so maybe this kind of relationship is all I am capable of). All I know is my life has been a series of failed relationships---some my fault, some not my fault. But I never, ever, for whatever reason, felt the kind of love I felt for this woman. I am in therapy and I plan on asking why I fell in love with an unavailable woman. This is not getting any better--I dread waking up in the morning and can barely drag myself to work. I just want to run away. I loved her with all my heart and it just hurts to think maybe her feelings weren't true. I am all alone with my feelings and I dread the weekend as there will likely be no outlet like work to occupy my time.

hey, Bluedog. I agree with the general idea of people who posted before me: focus on yourself and your healing. You must close a book in order to open a new one, no matter how much you miss the characters in the book or how involved you were with the story line.

For what is worth, it is possible to love 2 people at the same time for different reasons. What she was getting from you is different from what she was getting from H. You were her friend and romantic interest.

Also, something very common is to overcompensate when feeling that you are doing something wrong. So she could be writing all those lovey notes on FB to H. because she felt bad about cheating. Also, she gave you all those little things because she probably thought of you a lot and could not be with you all the time. It does not sound like a serial cheater.

If she got pregnant that young, she had to grow up really fast. No time for romance. You gave her that.
Her husband already came with children into the marriage so it is likely that the primary focus of the relationship was family building and not necessarily romance.

You probably made her feel young, pretty, loved, courted. Maybe she did not have a chance to feel these things before.

You apologized for you. To release you. Stay focused on that. That is done. The part including her is done. Although I suspect the exact opposite from what you are saying in that I believe you do feel she loved you or it probably wouldn't be this hard to move past it.

I absolutely agree with Kelahni btw on ALL points.

Now you have the ability to start dealing with the emotional baggage you are carrying. A suggestion by me would be to pick an extra therapy session up weekly for the next 3-4 weeks until you get through these initial feelings of despair and loss. Focus those sessions on you and ONLY you. Answering questions like What can I do to let go of the emotional baggage I am now carrying? What do I need to identify as my reasons for being drawn to these type of dysfunctional relationships? How can I handle my anger in the future in a composed manner so as to avoid the react and regret cycle? Kind of throwing it out there but Have you been diagnosed with depression or an obsessive component to your personality? And if so, realization that those two things alone can make this situation even more challenging. BUT Certainly Not impossible to overcome. You are searching for support and answers and that is a positive foot forward. Keep digesting it and as 'masquerade' stated earlier be kind to yourself during that process.

mtcount wrote:... She may or may not have been a serial cheater, doubtful considering the excessive amounts of attention she lavished on you. I wouldn't waste too much time trying to dissect HER reasons and focus that energy on YOUR reasons. ...

Agreed. Trying to understand her reasoning can only take you so far. Unless this is someone you are forced to live with in which it's necessary to protect yourself from someone who is intolerable to live with (and that's not the case here), eventually it's necessary to turn the focus from her to what you were/are thinking/feeling that drew you into the relationship. You can at least learn from that and be better off next time.

That written, and for whatever it's worth, it may just be what it seems to be on the surface. She wanted both. Both the safety of her married relationship, and the part time emotional/physical connection with you. That both fulfilled different wants/needs of hers, and she is torn about what she wants. From that point of view, it's unclear if you or anyone could fulfill both roles for long (at least not until/if she resolves the conflict about what she wants in life). So even if you did move from part time lover to full time husband role, you might well have found yourself unhappy with the relationship for a different reason.