tears again

I firmly believe my husband is mentally ill. He has no common sense what so ever (I know that does not make him mentally ill), but he is all over the board with his emotions. I'm thinking BPD as he has about 9 of the 10 common symptoms. I thought it was only 8 until he asked me last night (in the car) if I have ever considered driving head on into a semi. I said no - he said he does all the time. So suicidal tenancy is a YES for him.

I just can't figure him out. We have a horrible marriage. He had a 2 year affair with my best friend. He had an affair while we were engaged - during which he gave me a VD - and then accused ME of cheating on HIM because how else would I have gotten that! I didn't find out about the first affair until I found out about the 2nd affair. That all was 3 years ago. I'm staying for the kids sake only and my youngest graduates May 2007.

He is rarely home as he works an hour away and with gas it only makes sense for him to stay at his moms in the city where he works. We get along just great when he's not home

When he does come home on the weekends it's either feast of famine. He's either in such a good mood he goofy and giddy - that's hard to take. Or he's an irrational grouch.....

Today for example. He got home, he was in a good mood. He went up town to get us some supper because I had been working all day on homecoming tasks (I'm a cheer advisor) and cleaning the house. He got home and had a scowl on his face because it's "TOO DAMN HOT IN THIS HOUSE!!!!" The he ate and began to tell me how much he hates my dog and he wish she'd die. And now I'm selfish because I have to work on homecoming stuff....I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! I want so badly to leave. I HATE HIM so much he does nothing but hurt me - hurls hurtful comments at me and then tells me everything is MY FAULT. Then 3 minutes later he acts like we never had a conversation at all!!

I'm stressed at work, I'm stressed about homecoming and I'm at my whits end! I find myself praying that he would just die in a terrible car accident so I can be free of him. I can't take the insults, nothing I do is ever good enough and the only reason he hates my little 5 lb dog is because I love her! I know when I made my vows it was in sickness and in health but he won't go in to be evaluated and I can't take much more. I cry every single day because I feel so trapped in the awful marriage!

I walked in our bedroom tonight to make sure the rain was not coming in. He's laying there on the bed watching TV and the wind is blowing in one window - which of course means the rain is too! The curtain is soaked the carpet is soaked. HE HAS NO COMMON SENSE AT ALL!!! And the I'M the b..ch for expecting HIM to close the window in the room he is in when it is raining!!!!!!

I just wanted to vent.

Thanks for listening. He's leaving tomorrow now for about 10 days so I'll fine again till he gets back.

Mary

You should leave him immediately. Your children will understand.

I so wish it was just that easy. But it's not. Yes, my children know how I feel about him - and they actually feel the same way (he is their step-dad and they lost ALL respect for him because of the affair) They know - and he knows that I plan to leave as soon as my youngest graduates. My oldest graduates this May and then leaves for the Air Force in July. He's not just getting out - he's running as far and as fast as he can! I don't blame him one bit. My husband never, ever takes anything out on them (anymore) - he wants them to like him so he is nice as can be to them.....he takes it all out on me. If they do anything he doesn't like, he'll wait till they are not around and then start yelling at me and asking me what I plan to do about it and then tell me how stupid I am for handling it that way....because I don't want to be a parent - I just want to be their friend. My response is - these are MY KIDS - I will raise them as I feel I should so back off!

The again 3 minutes later it's as if we never had the conversation. He's all better but I'm sitting there - once again verbally and emotionally battered. The problem with leaving is that my kids - especially my daughter WON'T understand as I have promised I would stay until she graduates so we don't have to be "poor" while she is in high school.......I cannot afford to leave right now....not while I am responsible for these two kids!

But thank you for your encouragement...I am making my plans, my own bank account - separating bills, etc. So that when it is time to leave- some of the things will be easier!

Mary

This is horrible! Whatever is wrong with this man I feel confidant in labelling him a bully. What the hell is wrong with him like...What a pathetic loser...


It brings a smile to my face to hear that you are planning for the separation. That is 2007 you say however. What damage will have been done to yourself by that stage? Think of your self-esteem and confidance. Is it really that hard to get up and leave now?


You said that you promised your daughter that ye would not be poor through highschool. OK, fine, but does poor always have to refer to money? What if 'poor' referred to the quality of the atmosphere in your home. If you stay with this man then the atmosphere will certainly be 'poor'.


Money should not restrict happiness.

mwend wrote:I so wish it was just that easy. But it's not. Yes, my children know how I feel about him - and they actually feel the same way (he is their step-dad and they lost ALL respect for him because of the affair) They know - and he knows that I plan to leave as soon as my youngest graduates. My oldest graduates this May and then leaves for the Air Force in July. He's not just getting out - he's running as far and as fast as he can! I don't blame him one bit. My husband never, ever takes anything out on them (anymore) - he wants them to like him so he is nice as can be to them.....he takes it all out on me. If they do anything he doesn't like, he'll wait till they are not around and then start yelling at me and asking me what I plan to do about it and then tell me how stupid I am for handling it that way....because I don't want to be a parent - I just want to be their friend. My response is - these are MY KIDS - I will raise them as I feel I should so back off!

The again 3 minutes later it's as if we never had the conversation. He's all better but I'm sitting there - once again verbally and emotionally battered. The problem with leaving is that my kids - especially my daughter WON'T understand as I have promised I would stay until she graduates so we don't have to be "poor" while she is in high school.......I cannot afford to leave right now....not while I am responsible for these two kids!

But thank you for your encouragement...I am making my plans, my own bank account - separating bills, etc. So that when it is time to leave- some of the things will be easier!

Mary

You are being smart. I do feel that it is important to try and set yourself up for later....but on the other hand my own Mother has been saying the same thing about her 2nd husband for 10 years.
She still "does not have the resources to leave".

I don't know how old your husband is or anything. But I have been with my husband since he was 22 and everything you wrote about has happened to me. My husband is like Jekyl and hyde. Has no commen sense whatsoever and everything is my fault, I am the Bi$%h. When i called the lawyer for a divorce he decided to go get help........First thing they did was diagnose him with ADD. But that was not too long ago. The medication has seemes to help A LOT! I hope things turn around for you, No One can live like that. I fell in a total depression, because I was also putting up with it for our childrens sake. Take care.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your encouragement. I am confident that when the time is right I can leave with no problem...Funny otownmom that you say your husband has add. I KNOW my husband has ADD along with a whole lot of other problems. He knows it too, but not in a million years will he go have anything done about it. Because I am the problem - according to him. I am the selfish one, I am the bi..h, I am the ICE QUEEN....he has never learned that calling me names will not force me to like him, love him, have sex with him or any of the other things he thinks it's going to do....I pretty much no longer say anything when he starts his attacks. I just feel secure in knowing that one day soon I'll no longer have to put up with it.

Lack of self esteem and confidence is actually the reason I ended up with him in the first place. I never thought I deserved any better! But now I KNOW I do...that's why I don't fight back. I won't lower myself to his level. I'm WAY better than that and I want my kids to see that I'm way better than that. They know the whole situation. I share a lot of info with them. He does not attack them - but I let them know when something about them bothers him. My son's stock answer is "tell him to eat my a$$". It makes me laugh every time!

I'm staying for now because I can. He's rarely ever home right now so that works for us. If one day he starts being home every night then I may decide I can no longer stay. But each day I grow stronger - not weaker because I know this is NOT my fault and I am a better person than what he thinks I am....hey who had the affairs??? ME????? NO it was not me. Nor were the affairs MY FAULT as he would like me to be. Yes he is a bully - but he is a sick person. No I'm not staying with him because he is sick - I'm leaving him because if I don't -he may make me sick. It's just not the right time.... but I thank all so so much for your support! I will be free one day soon! I PROMISE! I trust God to get me out at the right time... and to never give me more than I can handle!!!

Mary