What is wrong with this woman??!!

I will try to keep this as short as possbile. There is a woman that is driving me insane. We have known each other for almost a year and had begun to get close. This woman is very hard to get to know and has walls that no one can break through. She is very aloof, and does not seem to care about other people, nor want to spend time/deal with them. We were friendly, after much effort from me, on and off. I was married until around four months ago, my wife passed away unexpectedly. After that happened we hung out and seemed to be getting along. After a couple of months, we started hanging out more, and the chemistry was there. She was giving every signal that she was interested in me. Although, at the same time, she was very hot and cold. She never contacts people, they have to contact her. She has said some things that I don't understand. She said that she has walls to keep people out so that they dont hurt her. She also said that she could go the rest of her life without talking to another person and be fine with that. She even said at one point that she doesn't feel human and has no emotions. She told me that she doesn't understand the point of friends and that she only gets friends and girlfriends because people are persistent. She even said that she has never had an emotional connection with someone while having sex. I was very confused. When she and I were together, she had fun, and seemed to be happy. She would smile at me and wave as if she were excited everytime she saw me. When we would sit and talk, she would look at me with a "sparkle" in her eyes, and hang on my every word. I would catch her staring at me, or smiling at me. She would suggest things for us to do together...although she did not follow through on most of them.She would compliment my hair, or the way I dress. She even took me over to her house, although she said that she does not like it when people know where she lives. She would not even tell one of her close friends where she lives. Not too long ago, I could no longer hold inside how I felt. So I told her that I liked her. She said that she could not be in a relationship because she is too busy and that she does not think she will ever be in one again. She said that she had only had one relationship in over five years and it was bad. She then told me that she gets in relationships because the girls like her, but then they get angry with her when she does not give them what they need...whatever that means. I even asked her if it was me, and she said no. She would not say how she felt about me one way or the other. She told me that she wanted things to stay the way they are and to understand that friends serve functions for her. She told me that she loved being with me, and that she loves my brain. Since then, things have been weird, she was saying hi to me, but otherwise, did not want to seem to spend any time with me. I hung out with her recently and she said some things I am confused about. She told me that she used to mind ###$ people to hurt them before they hurt her. She said she was very passive-aggressive about it, and did it on purpose. She also acted very strange and the chemistry we used to have was not there on her part. We were talking about how I've been doing, and I mentioned in talking about something else, my attraction to her. She said she had to leave and looked sort of uncomfortable and angry. The next day, she said hi to me. I left her a message on her phone asking her to hang out. The next time I saw her, she acted like I did not exist and completely ignored me. I do know that she has a mental health diagnosis, but I do not know which one. I am not sure where I went wrong with this person. I was never anything but nice and respectful to her, and treated her well. Am I missing something?

Sounds eerily familiar to someone I know.
-She could have a history of abuse.
-She could have some kind of Cluster B Personality Disorder (PD). Check out the Personality Disorder Forums: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Antisocial Personality Disorder (AsPD). You might see some familiar behaviors in there.
-She could be abused and have a PD.
These things are difficult to determine, and anyhow only an ethical professional should attempt it, and it doesn't sound like she is interested in communicating with one (or you, unfortunately).

For example if she is very beautiful HPD could be involved. She could also have more than one disorder going on; the one I know is likely HPD but she also enjoys some psychological sadism...getting me all excited in anticipation of romance but then knocking me down...then she comes back later to start over again. Maybe she's HPD/NPD or HPD/AsPD...the combinations are easy to make but in the end they are just categories with the illusion of being more box-like then they actually are - Cluster B is more like a nebulous cloud and the PD's are dimensions/concentrations that affected people often freely move between. What's important for me is to remember that the woman I know has something wrong with her, even though it's hard to see because she is really beautiful. I suspect she is HPD and suffered some kind of abuse.

Picking through your account:

"Hot and Cold" - often an indication of push-pull behaviors seen in Cluster B PD's. For example, people with BPD think "I hate you/don't leave me"
"Never contacts people, they have to contact her." An indication of narcissism, or morbid self-love; worst in those with NPD. No empathy for others. Fundamentally, insecurity at the root.
"Walls to keep people out, so they don't hurt her." She has been hurt in the past, maybe abused. Or maybe she has a PD and feels alienated from the rest of humanity.
"Could go the rest of her life w/o talking to another person and be fine with that." More narcissism, low empathy.
"Doesn't feel human; no emotions." Flat affect. Result of depression or possibly a PD like BPD or AsPD.

She seems like she enjoys your attention but wants no relationship. She hinted that she is lesbian or bisexual? In that case she might not be into you (you are a guy?). Unfortunately when you told her you liked you pushed it too far and she fled. Obviously...fear of intimacy.

Unfortunately we meet people like this, they seem interesting and lovable and we would like to have relationships with them but because of their conditions they aren't available. There isn't really too much you can do about it. They call the shots...like you said, they will drive you crazy because they operate with little empathy for you.
If you are going to stay in contact with her, know and respect her limitations, and don't try to save her.

-- Sat Oct 22, 2011 12:15 pm --

Sounds eerily familiar to someone I know.
-She could have a history of abuse.
-She could have some kind of Cluster B Personality Disorder (PD). Check out the Personality Disorder Forums: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Antisocial Personality Disorder (AsPD). You might see some familiar behaviors in there.
-She could be abused and have a PD.
These things are difficult to determine, and anyhow only an ethical professional should attempt it, and it doesn't sound like she is interested in communicating with one (or you, unfortunately).

For example if she is very beautiful HPD could be involved. She could also have more than one disorder going on; the one I know is likely HPD but she also enjoys some psychological sadism...getting me all excited in anticipation of romance but then knocking me down...then she comes back later to start over again. Maybe she's HPD/NPD or HPD/AsPD...the combinations are easy to make but in the end they are just categories with the illusion of being more box-like then they actually are - Cluster B is more like a nebulous cloud and the PD's are dimensions/concentrations that affected people often freely move between. What's important for me is to remember that the woman I know has something wrong with her, even though it's hard to see because she is really beautiful. I suspect she is HPD and suffered some kind of abuse.

Picking through your account:

"Hot and Cold" - often an indication of push-pull behaviors seen in Cluster B PD's. For example, people with BPD think "I hate you/don't leave me"
"Never contacts people, they have to contact her." An indication of narcissism, or morbid self-love; worst in those with NPD. No empathy for others. Fundamentally, insecurity at the root.
"Walls to keep people out, so they don't hurt her." She has been hurt in the past, maybe abused. Or maybe she has a PD and feels alienated from the rest of humanity.
"Could go the rest of her life w/o talking to another person and be fine with that." More narcissism, low empathy.
"Doesn't feel human; no emotions." Flat affect. Result of depression or possibly a PD like BPD or AsPD.

She seems like she enjoys your attention but wants no relationship. She hinted that she is lesbian or bisexual? In that case she might not be into you (you are a guy?). Unfortunately when you told her you liked you pushed it too far and she fled. Obviously...fear of intimacy.

Unfortunately we meet people like this, they seem interesting and lovable and we would like to have relationships with them but because of their conditions they aren't available. There isn't really too much you can do about it. They call the shots...like you said, they will drive you crazy because they operate with little empathy for you.
If you are going to stay in contact with her, know and respect her limitations, and don't try to save her.

Hey. Thanks for the reply. She is a lesbian, as am I. I think there is a history of abuse...she has mentioned not having a happy childhood. She said she doesnt trust people because when she was a child she never knew in what kind of house she was waking up. Her parents fought all the time. She is one of eight children. Her parents divorced when she was an adolescent. The other thing is that we are both in AA. She has a lot of sober time, and I don't have my year of sobriety yet. So, we are also in an issue of 13th stepping, which she said she would never do. When she told me she could not be in a relationship, she also said that she doesn't think she has ever been in love. She said her heart and her brain do not communicate. Her MO is to ignore me, then talk to me, then ignore me, then talk to me. Depends on her mood. I've about had it with her crap!