I need advice

Hi I need some relationship advice. I have been dating this man off and on for a year. When we met he was obsessed with me and very doting. Well, over time his pursuing and my slow opening up caused him hurt and he left, dated another, and came back. He has diagnosed me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from a previous sexual experience though I'm not sure how much that plays in our relationship. Well things were great for a while until we moved in together. I now don't feel like I can trust him at all. I feel he's being secretive and I'm playing the fool. He admitted today to a relationship lie that he told me a few months ago. We will have a few days of utter harmony and everything is just great but then we'll argue...usualy about me not trusting him(or even asking him a question) and him getting hurt thus yelling and hitting things and threatening breakup. He never used to be this way. He used to buy me things all the time and just adore me. Now he just seems to keep me around for the benefits sometimes. I mean he's sweet sometimes then sometimes hes very controlling. Anyway let me know if you have any ideas about what may be going on...let me know if you need more info...

I find it very arrogant of him to have diagnosed you with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He's hardly a doctor is he?


Anyway, it sounds like he is the type of guy who falls 'in love' easily - He craves being in relationships and he probably builds up the ego of each girl he seeks. Sure, he can be sweet...He knows the way to a girl's heart but then he likes to move on after the initial phase of the relationship ends. And yes, even from experience I know that once the initial phase ends and the guy is still with the girl he will then start to become controlling and perhaps even abusive.


...And in this relationship now there appears to be an extreme level of distrust on both parts. Do what you think is best. My bet is that you want to get out and never see him again. You can leave him now and be happy about it. You have learned from this experience.


There is good in everything bad - You just need to attune your mind away from the bad.

Ok well we've been working on alot. We'v been working on our trust. I found that the most comfortable I make him feel and the more approachable I am(not getting mad if he confesses something), the more he'll feel comfortable talking with me about.

I have a new question though. When we're in public, he looks at other girls. I know it's perfectly normal to look but he keeps looking. Not only does he keep looking but he makes an obvious point to be noticed by them. He literaly gets up(if he's sitting) and walks around them or just becomes really loud so that they look at him. Should I get upset about something like this?

I've spoken with him about it but he says "I frankly don't care how you feel about it b/c I know I'm not staring" And as much as I've tried to think its just being paranoid, it's not something that I can ignore...it's just that obvious to me.

I've just read your whole post with my head shaking from side to side saying 'No. No. No' over and back in my mind...


This man is tearing you up inside and you KNOW he is but you won't take control. You're letting him run his life around yours. And of course you have every right to be angry if he is noticeably looking to get the attention of other girls. Doing things like that would tell me that he just isn't interested in you...


I don't know what he is doing...I don't know what you are doing. I do know that you are getting hurt and i don't like it one bit!

...

...you're sacrificing your whole life's happiness for the short-term pain that would be suffered from a break-up...

Sorry, I just happened to be logged in and read my last post. it might have come across as harsh.





How are you now?

I can relate to some of what you are going through because I'm dealing with a similar situation. It's funny how you spend so much time wrapped up in what would make him comfortable, what would make him open up and you actually think what can you do to make it better all the time. It's emotionally consuming. However, the question I often ask myself, who's worrying about YOU? We get so caught up in making the world a wonderful and safe little place where they can be happy that we forget that we deserve to be happy to. Just a though to ponder. Care, consideration, and mutual respect should be a contribution by both partners. If it's going downhill now, imagine what later will be like. I'm struggling with these very same points. My thoughts are with you.

I dont know if this applies to you, i really dont have enough info from those few postings, but just read it....

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/ar ... ?artID=157

If that article describes what is going on in your relationship, perhaps you should break up asap.

pixietg917 wrote:However, the question I often ask myself, who's worrying about YOU? We get so caught up in making the world a wonderful and safe little place where they can be happy that we forget that we deserve to be happy to.

This is something my therapist outlined as being very important. She said that I needed to stop devoting so much of my time to others and to start devoting time to myself. I didn't understand her logic at first because I 'enjoyed' helping others all the time - offering advice, doing chores, listening, and basically always putting others before myself. This just ended up stressing me out. We need to look after ourselves too and not start changing our lives dramatially to suit others, especially a wanker of a boyfriend/girlfriend.