I made a huge mistake, and I can't get over it.

I was in a relationship for 5 years that ended back in May. It was all my fault why the relationship went sour, and I am very deserving of all these bad feelings for what I put her through. I was emtionally abusive to her, I would call her bad names, call her fat, ask if she is cheating on me, etc for the course of a year or so. I don't know what went off in my head, but I was down right rude, but back in January of this year we had a serious talk, I vowed to change and actually began to do so. I stopped calling her these names, and we began to spend alot more time together trying to work things out. Somewhere between there and May, she began to become distant, not wanting to hang out with me as much and started to get annoyed with me asking her why. I just figured that maybe she was just trying to take a step back from me because of the abuse in the past because she may have been afraid it was going to happen again. We planned to move in with each other and she was going to finish up college locally for the next 2 years, but one day she came over, we went to the movies, and she said to me after that she didn't know about us anymore, of course I was sad, and tried pleaing with her, she said she needed some time to think about it. Later that night she called me up and said that she just couldn't be with me anymore, that she wanted so much from me that I never gave her, being closer to her family and friends, etc. I left it at that, told her I was sorry and that she can live her life now.

This really tore me up inside for a month, I started to go to couseling because I felt the guilt as I should because of the abuse I put her through mentally, I would just replay events in my head and wished I never did such a thing. My counselor said I needed to forgive myself to move forward and that even though I was emotionally abusive, it isn't all my fault. I never saw it that way, and still don't, I do realize it was totally me and it is what kills me. After a month of not contacting her I decided to text her and asked if we could just talk, she text me back a very resentful slew of text, saying she just was tired of me treating her bad, to leave her alone forever, that we can never talk again and that I wasn't the one and never was. Those were her last words back in June, she blocked me from Facebook there after and it burned into my brain. I would often go to sleep just sobbing, thinking, and wanting her to understand that I was very sorry, not that I wanted her back, just that I wanted her to forgive me. I tried calling her for the first time since then, even though she told me not to, it was just beating on my brain, of course she didn't pick up. I have been thinking about writing her a letter, just to tell her about how sorry I am, I just wish she wouldn't hate me. I don't know what to do, I can't even think straight lately and it has been four months. I miss her so much, and I can't forgive myself, and I often wonder if I ever will hear from her again. I guess I just needed to vent in here, I do realize I made a mistake, but I am trying to fix it.

Do you think I will ever get her to speak to me again? Do girls forgive when this happens or just forget because of the pain?

Okay. I'll tell you about my own experience.

I dated a guy for about 5 years. You know how things start great and beautiful and the first 3 years are haven and you mostly overlook a lot, year 4 is normal and year 5 was hell. He was so insecure thinking I would cheat and jealous. I got tired, started to act a bit distant. And I’ll tell you I was acting distant coz I was tired of the relationship and all the emotional baggage. But I kept the relationship. It’s hard to give up on someone that’s become such a big part of your life. The jealous got to a point that he was sure I had cheated so he cheated to get back at me.

Now he was and is a good guy, his jealousy made he do things that I don’t believe he would normally do. But it hurt and I could not go back so I ended the relationship we talked 2 more times that same week. And I never want to talk to him again. Explanation: It’s been 2 years I am in another relationship and happier than I’ve ever been before. And I truly want my ex to be happy. I just don’t want to talk to him again and I wish he would never call or text or send facebook friendship requests. All of which he still does…

My theory … Guys want to say sorry and ask for forgiveness and feel better about themselves. Most of us girls when we are finally over, we are OVER. We cry and feel like sh#t for a while but them we get over and don’t want anything not even the apologies.

So if you want to feel better well get better. Don’t give her the responsibility for your welfare. Fell pain, miss her or whatever. But you have to decide to get over it. Say okay enough is enough. I NEED to move on. It’s in the past now. It’s not going to be easy but its not impossible.

And, PLEASE, let her be. She obviously doesn’t want to talk to you. And you’re getting in her way. Respect her decisions.

I know what you're feeling man... I went thru the same thing. We were together for 4 years. Then I caught her cheating on me. The guy almost beat me up and she stood there watching him push me around. It sucked so bad.

It took me years to get over her. I wrote her, I called her, I even wrote poetry for her. I was messed up bad. Anyway... it's been 3 years now and I'm over her. Sometimes it takes years for this crap to go away.

My best advice is to heal and heal quickly. Find someone else you can love. Start programming yourself with healthy thoughts. You must leave her alone, you must. Your well-being depends on it.

I guess you are right, I really just wanted to write a closure letter really because it ended on such a bad note, but I don't know if that is a good idea now hearing previous experiances from people, but I don't think it will hurt that much seeing how I really mean it. Of course she was in FU mode when we broke up then, she may still not want to talk to me but maybe would appreiciate the sincerety of it.

Why don't you just write the letter? But make sure to write EVERYTHING you need to. Unload your pain, grieve and sadness to the paper. I bet just writing it will make you feel lighter.

After that take some time to ponder.
Do you feel at least a little better?
Do you still want to send her the letter?
If you send the letter will it give you closure or would you need something bigger (like she actually saying she forgives you)?

I don't know your ex so there's no way to tell if she would want to receive it or not.

Do you know anyone you could ask? Maybe...one of her friends . Ask if it’s a good idea or not.

I believe that by sending it, it will move me forward to closure. I think it will clear my mind, and help me knowing that even if she never responds to me again, she at least knows that I was sorry and that she helped me learn a valuable lesson in life. I don't know if she would want to get it or not, honestly I don't know what she is feeling, but I do believe it will help me.

I felt better today, I feel like I can get through this, I will write these thoughts down and let it sit awhile, and send it when a little more time has passed.

Thanks for the feedback everyone, it helps.