Jealousy is destryoing my relationship

I am in a 9 month relationship with a girl who I met at university. We were brilliant; no problems with anything at all. But then inevitably, she started questioning my history with ex's. It wasn't so much as ex's, basically one-night stands were the issue (3 in total). And at the time I knew it would cause problems...and it did, but after about 2 months she calmed down and things went better.

However, after my past got dealt with, I started to ask about hers. Which has ended us up where we are now. I found out how many relationships she had been in (2 sexual), and honestly, it killed me. I love her so much, and I know she loves me, but literally everyday i imagine her with these ex's. During one bad argument I made her tell me every little detail (Top Tip: Never ask for minute details!), and i couldn't look at her; I felt so betrayed and weak. Yet at the same time I knew she didn't know me so she couldn't have done anything about it. We have both said we wish we were both virgins when we met because we regret everything we did prior to meeting each other.

Anyway, she is in Turkey at the minute on holiday with her family. And I am really depressed and my imagination is running wild and it can literally make me burst into tears. I feel stupid for it and I know I shouldn't care about the past only look ahead, but i just can't get over it. Hence my post on this forum. I know myself I am very jealous and I don't want to lose the love of my life to it.

I really appreciate you reading this, because I don't know what else to do.

Hello, Moly,

I just read your post.

Perhaps some counseling/psychotherapy would help you work this through.

And, from a female's viewpoint.....

I applaud you for seeking help for Your problem, rather than instantly assume this is about a "character flaw" on Her part, or worse, blame, harass, and shame her for having history....EVERYBODY has a past!! That's what life is about...Experiencing your world (as long as it's not unkind/unfair)!

More on the "Female Perspective"/personal experience front.

I have had experience with the above scenario.

My boyfriend is also the "jealous type"...to the Max!
And during our first year or 2, he had a reaction to me similar to yours toward your girlfriend.
He manipulated me into talking about my past, pretending he was very mellow on the topic.

Well, BOY do I regret ever telling him ANYTHING on the subject!!!
He is critical, and can be rejecting as a personality. He is verbally abusive, and Throws my "past" in my face EVERY chance he gets.
He says Unimaginably cruel, degrading things to me on the subject (and others) , which further damages my self-esteem. And I have NOTHING to be sorry for!! I'm a lot older than you apparently are, and have been (legally) single the majority of the time. We ALL have the right to "connect" with someone in hopes that each new opportunity may bring a lasting love into our lives. (How can we know if this person might just be "The ONE"?!!)

That's predominantly what I was after...Always. And my bf has No Right to criticize me for my past choices - just trying to stay alive, emotionally, in such a lonely (for me) world. All I wanted was to love and be loved.
And for this, I am Damned to Hell.

And incidentally, my bf has his Own stories...a Horrendous past in several ways, so he's in No Position to judge. He says I'm the First major relationship in which he hasn't cheated!
And the vast majority of his "love life" has consisted of using women for his "convenience", then soon exiting the scene.
I have NEVER treated a person so callously, nor Would I.
HE's done a Lot of "bad" things in his life in other areas, as well.
So, you can see that his (male chauvinist), accusatory, Double-Standard contempt for me, for the "Crime" of not being a Newborn infant when he met me, is Unfair, to say the least.

Your girlfriend's love life of the past has NOTHING to do with you.
She chose YOU.
OF COURSE she has sought life experience, and Love in the past....
She's HUMAN, and Female, to boot!! Women are (generally) all about Relationships. Close friendships, and the (hope for) the love of a Significant other, are Central to our Beings!!

Besides, she (probably) didn't even Know you, then!

I hope your experience has taught you Never to ask someone a question, unless and until you are READY for the answer.
And once again I applaud you for "owning" the problem - It IS yours to deal with, it's Not HERS to solve.
She apparently loves you, so Don't take the chance of losing something special, due to your insecurity (and Double Standards?)

Again, I Really think a counselor/therapist - especially one who specializes in relationships, would invaluable to you. (I wish I had taken that step after Every one of my heartbreaks, instead of suffering in silence.)

Best of Luck!

offbeatgrl53pf

offbeatgrl53pf-

U talk so much sense it just makes me realise how unfair I have been. I no I have nothing to be bothered about; my double standards are not healthy at all for the relationship and its going to get sorted. Cheers for not being patronising too, I am not that young anyway!!!

Thanks again