Straight Woman: Difficulty Making Friends with Other Women

Ok, so I have some social anxiety and some depression. That's not the only reason for my relationship problem, but it's in there somewhere, and now you know what my "thing" is

So I have trouble making friends with other girls oftentimes. Most of my friends I ever hang out with at all are guys. And no, I'm not one of those super cute girls or anything...but I think maybe I have some of the same issues that go on with some of the girls who can only make guy friends. I'm starting to see how it's important to have female friends in my life at this point...but those are relationships I totally haven't built up enough in the past!

The weird thing is I always feel like any guy I'm friends with is someone who I could end up dating or something...I don't make friends just for friendship sake, it seems. I think maybe that's part of why I have trouble being friends with other girls: because it feels like there'd be no point to the friendship...like...it would be boring if the possibility of dating someone is taken out of the equation. Like, what would we do? How would we connect? Why are we friends? I believe friendships are supposed to be about something you're both interested in (as long as it's not the same guy or something, lol), and I guess I just haven't found common interests enough with other girls in the past (or been brave enough to try to make those connections with ones that were also into history or philosophy or religion, etc.) I've done so much of my life by myself that it's difficult to think of changing it! I think you can get used to living your life without having to connect with others...others might think it sucks, but I think anything can become a habit.

Plus, I'm not really certain how girls are "supposed" to act...there were a couple girls I got to know at work a few years ago, and they were really difficult to please, it seemed...they seemed kinda patronizing towards me or were not able to understand me, etc. I kinda got the idea that to relate to other girls you had to be kinda stuffy and be interested in boring things or something...I am wondering if that really affected me in making friendships (along with my depression and anxiety).

There's a group of girls I have a chance to get to know lately, but I have this thing where I want to know exactly how I'm supposed to act at any given moment so I don't do something stupid...even though I know they're really nice girls and want to get to know me and will be understanding. At this point, I've gotten so used to how my life is, it's difficult to "start over" like I'm in high school (I'm in my late 20's) and make friends (besides the anxiety and depression.)

That was a lot of writing--I'm a verbal person as it is, but tend to get more so when I have caffeine Can anyone relate? (not to the caffeine thing...I have a different post about that, lol)

DealingWithIt wrote:Can anyone relate?

Yes, definitely!

Since I was a teenager I've only ever had male friends. And even then I don't know if I'd call them "friends", or rather just potential boyfriends or boyfriend wannabes.

I also feel that I don't know how two women are meant to be friends, or what they would do together.

I'm sorry I don't have any good advice as I feel the way you do. My only suggestion would be to keep an open-mind and see how you go spending time with that group of girls. You shouldn't have to behave in any special way - just be yourself.

Thanks...it was nice to hear you relate...that helped
I wonder how women in the past connected? They have these movies about "sisterhood"/deep female friendships and stuff ("Secrets of the Divine Ya-Ya Sisterhood," "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants")...and there's this girl I know who seems to be really yearning for this kind of connection, but always seems to have trouble finding it (she watches a lot of t.v.--which I think can kinda glamorize an idea and make it popular or make it considered "the norm" so that people will want it).
*shrug*

I can totally relate. I've been in the same boat for most of my life. I only have two female friends and I'm only friends with them because they were my college roommates for years and they are just as non-girly and neurotic as I am. They both live in different states now, so we're more like old acquaintences than anything at this point. All the people I spend time with now are guys.

I think we have the same problem in that I'm just not sure what "normal" girls like to do or talk about. I'm avoidant, though, so that could be my general social ineptness in part. I don't care about any of the stereotypical girl things and, I agree, it does seem like many women can be high maintenence friends. Also, I think women tend to clique up more than guys do in certain ways, so it can be difficult to become part of the in-group. One of the psychs I saw suggested I join a local women's meet up group and it was a total disaster. Guys are just easier to be around and most of the people who share my interests are guys anyway. I'm bi, too, so I've often wondered if some of my problems making friends with other women are because I have trouble talking to attractive people of either gender.

I have recently started talking to some of the girls that are in several of my classes, though, and that seems to be going okay. Maybe if you joined a club or something that you're interested in and met women with similar interests to you it would be easier?

Hi,
I also had very similar issues all the way up to my mid 20ies. And you are right, it is important to have females friends so it's also worth some effort. My issue was always looks - women get pissed off and guys are super easy to befriend and turn into friend types rather than boyfriends. I always thought that i'd go through life without female friends, but here I am - 26 and with several very close and dear female friends! It is possible even when you start at 20 something! I do notice, however, that my f. friends tend to be on the interesting side. I think that is what actually made it worth the effort and time for me - the fact that they were interesting people. Just making friends for the hell of it can actually feel like an isolating experience - constantly thinking of the right things you should be saying AND thinking, but feeling rather apathetic about the whole interaction ohh yes! Where with men it's very much understood how the relationship is going to go and you have ALL the control! But you probably know how those relationships end - you make out with them one drunk night out and they think that now you should be their property or they eventually get so frustrated and jealous that they actually start disliking you on ridiculous grounds..
The best advice i can think of is just trying to make friends with females you actually find interesting and similar to you. Trust me - it CAN be done! One of my f. friends i noticed in a poetry class - she always smoked like a chimney (like me!) during breaks and had quite interesting, unique comments on whatever material we were reading... she also seemed frustrated with the token loudmouth dumbbells and appeared quite passionate in her dislike So during one break, I just approached her "for a light" (which i did not need) and just started talking, more like expanding on several impressions i had in class that would not be very appropriate to discuss in front of everyone... well, she bit! We just talked for hours after class and i never felt like i had to think of things to say or act in a certain way etc The funny thing is that she did end up having a crush on me (who knew - she discovered bisexuality!), but i let her down easy and we've been super cool friends ever since. Hmmm now that i think of it, my three good females DID eventually end up having mixed sexual feelings for me, but all three got over that rather nicely and we just ended up being friends. The intrigue though, that was at the start of all the relationships (that consisted of me being completely unwilling/or unable? to go the "usual BS route" of friendship) was what i think caused an unexpected bisexual attraction that soon faded and became straight on friendship! I very much enjoy my female friends and have found it more and more easy to make more f.friends as i went along. But the start must always be interest rather than just a need to make f. friends. So good luck to you and don't ever think you are failing at "becoming friends" with people just because you don't find them interesting or appealing in some other way! Cheers!

My issue is similar but more complicated. I am a bisexual woman who finds it difficult to make female friends that I have not been sexually active with at some point. I seem to only get loyalty from these women. The other women who I have tried being platonic with have turned their back or stabbed me in the back without fail. I mainly date men, and are friends with guys. I am close with two former female lovers as well now as friends but that's the extent of my female friends that I feel close to.