Over controlling boyfriend or am I overreacting?

As if dealing with partially insane parents is enough, I am worried my relationship with my boyfriend is getting too overbearing and I'm on the verge of beginning to believe he falls into the overly controlling category. I just need to know if I am right or am overreacting...

So I met this man on an online forum. I'm a college student, but I grew up very quickly in LA and am ready to settle down and be in a serious commitment, which unfortunately most people my age do not. I met this man, he is 28 and lives in a small town (where I go to school) and at his best is the most charming, loving boyfriend I could ask for. He picks me up everyday and we were practically living together and very in love. But I noticed very little things well set him off. For example, if his house is not clean he will get very moody and direct minor anger at me. One time I asked where a pan was because I could not find it and he scolded me, saying I was a child for not finding it on my own. (He had it hidden underneath something so I had not seen it.). He tends to use my young age as a fighting point very often when he is upset with me or when I can't financially support myself the way I want...which is ironic because he has no job himself and is living on unemployment checks.

Next, he believes in conspiracy theories very much. I'm a fan of modern music and media to an extent and this really troubles him. I would play some songs on my iPod to myself while he was composing some of his own music and he'd complain that the frequencies he could hear or "sense" were too negative and were disrupting his composing skills (even if the songs I were playing were not audible and were turned on low). I told him maybe we should do something else, as I am just sitting here with nothing to do, and he claims I am not supportive and that having me there is the only way he can finish his album. The first 2 or three times were fine for me, but after that obviously I wanted to do something. He calls me selfish and says he hasnt' been able to complete this album for 8 years and without me there, he can't and if i can't be there I am not supporting him. I also told him I didn't want to just be cooped up in the house all day (especially without any of the things I find entertaining available) that we didn't have to spend money, but I'd like to go out, this too upset him and he said I must not like being with him as much as he thought...which was not true at all, I just was getting bored of such a dull routine.

Next, sexually I feel very off from him sometimes. Sometimes it's amazing and sometimes I feel very dominated. If I ask nicely and respectfully to do something he claims I'm "dominating him" and that I should just be submissive. I can't lie I"m pretty adventurous and outgoing in bed and sometimes he makes me feel like he rather have me just lay there...which is totally not my thing. If I try something that involves me taking control he immediately gets turned off and stops and tells me that this can't work and is very unattractive. I had never had this problem with men, most have all been very pleased with what I have to offer. One time I wanted to be close instead of doing a position that seemed less intimate and he yelled at me, threatened a break up, and told me this wasn't working for him because I was "dominating" again when clearly I wasn't.

Right now I had to go back for summer in LA to do music and to see my family and friends. I am taking time off from my music career, which is very important to me, to see him for weeks at a time. My manager is pissed but I want to be with him. He on the other hand, called me very upset last night asaying my energy is off and we aren't connected because I"m not contacting him enough (I call him 3-4 times a day and text him when I'm not on the phone). He then claimed this LA life thing isn't working for him and I need to decide whether I am going to be there with him or not. 9 months out of the year I live in the small town for school and for now although I can't see him everyday (only for 3 months), but I am taking a large amount of time off to visit him. However, he says this is not enough and if I can't be with him at all times that he's over it.

I am so frustrated and confused. I feel isolated from my friends and family when he gets like this, and even my music. Although he taught me some composing techniques, he seems to be pissed if I don't give him all or at least a huge amount the credit for the music I make. This is ridiculous because I have been making music on my own for years. There are some amazing features about him such as his loving nature and the care he gives me when we are together. But when he tries to control what I like to do, watch, listen to, etc it really hurts me. I don't know if this is manipulation or not...I feel like I'm walking on egg shells and whenever I defend myself and say that I need this life for me too, he accuses me of not being right...threatens a break up (which never happens) and often says he doesn't know who I am...or that I have two sides....a "Lady GaGa" side and a loving side. The truth is I"m just an artist as well and want to be the best partner I can be to him and treat him with love, support, respect, and honor. I never would try to hurt him or let go of the relationship the way he accuses me of...saying I am distancing myself when I had, had 2 amazing conversations earlier with him and out of nowhere he's upset.

What do I do? Do I dump this guy? Do I try to have one last real huge conversation about this with him? Or is it too much and I need to move on?

You can definitely ask for someone more loving and charming!

I understand how easy it is to overlook someone's bad behaviour and poor qualities when we're in love, but it seems pretty clear that this guy is frequently making you unhappy, and worse, feeling bad about yourself. He's an insecure dominant guy who seems to be forgetting that not all women are submissive, or want to be - some want to be dominant, some want to be equal. Your rights and desires are just as important as his, but he doesn't see that and wants you to be subservient to him.

He's putting his own desires above yours every single time, and if you want something for yourself, or even just want compromise, you're not supporting him. He's looking for a Stepford Wife, and that's clearly not what you want. In the long run, I can't see you making him happy unless you make huge sacrifices and him making you happy unless... well, you're fine with making huge sacrifices that he seems like he'll just ungratefully demand from you.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but it looks like you're both after a totally different relationship dynamic. Trying to demand equality from a dominant guy who's after a submissive woman is usually quite futile.

He sounds like he's hugely insecure, emotionally draining to be around, self-centred, and emotionally manipulative. It's a bad combination. Even if this is his worst, and he's usually great, this is a worrying pattern of behaviour.

If I were you, I'd get out now. I know the desire to overlook and put up with so much because we're in love, but you'll be in love again, and hopefully with someone who actually deserves you and cares as much about making you happy as he does about making himself happy.

AnxiousAna wrote:If I were you, I'd get out now. I know the desire to overlook and put up with so much because we're in love, but you'll be in love again, and hopefully with someone who actually deserves you and cares as much about making you happy as he does about making himself happy.

Completely agree. You can't under any circumstance live your life under someone else's submission. Especially if you have dreams of your own, don't let him take that away from you. What makes you happiest the most - your relationship with him, or your career? What do you value more - your relationship with him, or your life? It's not equal if it's sometimes.

If he values and respects you, he will come back, but judging from the characteristics you described, I'd stay away. Some "artists" can be entirely self indulgent and selfish.

I hope you're okay

Thank you all for your advice. I left him a few days ago. I was very emotionally distraught and hurting, but I am recovering now. It wasn't long enough for me to be that upset but I did have a lot of feelings there for him so it has been difficult.

I'm just dealing with some of the effects of his behavior on my own personal psyche now. I realize a lot of what he had said and did to me REALLY effected my own attitude. I'm going to therapy now to try and deal with it.

Yay for you MissUnknown! Now you are free to find a partner more suitable for your love.

Good luck with the therapy - I think it could be very helpful in making sense of your feelings and avoiding controlling or abusive partners in the future.

he may be dominant in bed, but the other stuff, including the bit about the album - well its his album - if he was trying to blame you that he hasn't been able to finish it for 8 years that isn't dominant so much as offloading his responsibility onto you. the needing you there actually seems quite dependant in some ways. he sounds like he needs a lot of therapy himself. maybe you should try to drop him a little message to let him know how you feel about things (though that's no guarantee it will make him get any help himself, at least he will have the chance to consider it).

You're right that you need this life for you too, if you can't do that being with him and are very unhappy - you're right to leave him. sorry for the loss of your breakup, i hope the therapy helps and you get back on your feet emotionally, agree with platypus about that - hopefully it will help in your relationships too.

(since this is the BPD forum and lots of people have been talking about this stuff - to any people who take things personally, this is just for MissUnknown's situation, not anyone else! )

MissUnknown wrote:Thank you all for your advice. I left him a few days ago. I was very emotionally distraught and hurting, but I am recovering now. It wasn't long enough for me to be that upset but I did have a lot of feelings there for him so it has been difficult.

I'm just dealing with some of the effects of his behavior on my own personal psyche now. I realize a lot of what he had said and did to me REALLY effected my own attitude. I'm going to therapy now to try and deal with it.

I'm happy for you There is someone out there for you, who will love and adore you. You seem like a lovely person. I hope the therapy helps you and you can get back to being yourself again!

Thank you all for your kind words.

I wasn't even ready to break up at the time I did it, but I had to make it clear to him that I couldn't take how he was treating me. He was always mad on the phone or upset or blaming me lately, saying I abandoned him and I told him if I heard one more word of it I was going to be done (this was 5 days before we were supposed to see each other)...and well he couldn't even last the five days without accusing me of not caring about him enough and so I ended it.

I really still am in love with him. It's hard. I'm only 20 years old but I act more like a 25 year and most guys my age are too immature and self centered, which makes it hard to meet men I have more in common with, especially in my college setting. I just hope i can meet someone a little older than me who thinks more like me and is there for support. Sometimes I feel like such a loser not being able to find it, but I think I get sucked into liking more controlling men because they are always so available and into me so quickly. I just have to work on that I think and realize that a real relationship needs building upon. It's hard though. All of this is a lot to deal with.