How to keep no contact when in the same friend circle..

Hey.

My ex girlfriend told me last night she didn't want to lose me and that she wanted to stay friends and that she thinks breaking up with me was the right thing.

I told her that I couldn't be friends with her because of the way I felt about her and that I just wanted to get on with my own stuff. I said that I didn't want to talk to her or see her for our own good.

The only problem is, we are both in the same group of friends and all my friends have a certain place to hang out, especially on weekends.
I really want to stick to no contact but just need some advice. Maybe some of you have been through this yourselves ? I know all relationships are different and so are all break-ups but I just wanted some information from people who have been through this.

I understand that this is going to be really hard for me so I want to try and make it as easy as it can possibly be.

Thank you.
James

-- Wed Jun 22, 2011 2:23 pm --

Please if anybody has any advice or opinions on this please post away.
I'm all ears and could really do with hearing outside knowledge.

Thanks.
James

Hi James,

How long ago was your break-up? Are you happy with the decision to break-up?

I've found that the situation with ex-partners evolves over time. I wouldn't try to make rules about whether to be friends or to have no contact. I've set-out to be friends with ex-partners, but it became no contact naturally as we drifted apart. I know other people have stayed lifelong friends with their ex-partners

When you say that you don't want to talk to her for your own good, why do you think no contact will help you? I've always wanted to 'cut and run'; to immediately break-off all contact. However, I've actually found that some contact is good, at least initially. It can allow you a more healthy way of parting. Instead of going from being part of a couple to being completely alone, you can ease away more gradually. It can also help you gain perspective on the relationship and your ex-partner. (When an ex is no longer in sight, you can distort your picture of them and remember them as some crazy nightmare. Whereas if you are still in contact, you are perhaps more likely to see the situation realistically. I think this can help with healing/recovering from the failed relationship.)

If you share friends and places to hang-out, you could talk about this issue with her. Does she have other friends she can spend time with? You could perhaps try to mix-up the social contact, so that sometimes you are with your friends alone, and other times she is there too. It might be hard for you to spend time with her as part of a group initially, but it will get easier over time. Remember that it will be awkward for everyone at first - probably for your friends too. Give yourselves time to adjust.

Thank you so much for your reply. It was really interesting to read!

I'll get you up to speed with things but it is pretty complicated.

My girlfriend broke up with me just under three months ago and said that she didn't think we should be together anymore. I knew instantly why and it was things I had done. Just little things like cause arguments but they became more and more frequent.
At first I just kinda lost it and tried to get her back any which way and made a fool out of myself many times.
After about a month we started talking properly and decided to take things slow and see where they went. I explained that I was willing to do this but I didn't want to play any games as I knew what I wanted. On this day she told me in these exact words, 'you are the perfect boyfriend'
We got really close over the next month or so and I mean really close, we just weren't quite back at kissing but it felt like it was coming really soon. Then suddenly she told me she didn't want it and that was very confusing for me considering how close we were getting. During this time when we were getting closer, she would ask me to do things with her, like go see a movie or something or she'd call me when something was wrong and say that I was the only one who understood and cared.
I told her I couldn't talk to her right now and said I would see her sometime and for four days I just ognored my phone and stuff, was nice to her when I saw her at a friends but other than that I just got on with my life for four days. She told one of my closest friends that she had two missed calls from me when she didn't and that I was being wierd with her.
I got angry at her actions on Sunday when I saw her at a friends and she was crying before I even opened my mouth about anything. We both told each other we didn't want to talk to each other.
Then on Monday of this week, I called her and said we should meet up and talk about things properly. She agreed and we did. She basically said what she said when we first broke up with so much uncertainty in her voice and body language. We then went for a walk and she was constantly asking me if there was something I wanted to say. There wasn't but I had one thought to know for sure what was going on. We got back to her house and before she was about to go inside I tried to kiss her to see if she'd accept it or back off. She backed off. Fair enough.
I then called her when I got home and said that I couldn't be friends with her as it's too awkward for me at the moment and that my intentions weren't the same as hers. I said I didn't want her to call me or anything and that I'd removed her from the social networking sites we both used just so I could get on with my life.
Yesterday she sent me a text saying that she was going to our friends house and that she hoped it was ok with a smiley face. I ignored it as I don't want to play any games and don't want to feel bad that I can't have her.
Today she called me at around the same time but I missed it. I didn't call back, but my friend said that my ex girlfriend was staying in tonight because I was going to meet her. No way at all had I said that or even given a clue that that is what I was going to do. I haven't talked to her or seen her since I told her I didn't want to.

I really do not have a clue what she is doing but I really care about her and really can't be just friends as I love her beyond imagination. Sorry for how long this reply was haha.

Thanks.
James

You're right - it is complicated! Thank you for explaining more of the situation.

Messy break-ups can be very confusing and hurtful. Sometimes it's nobody's fault. It can just be that one or both people aren't quite sure how they feel, and give mixed messages. So you never know where you stand - stuck in limbo between not knowing if things are going to be good again or if it's all over.

It sounds like you love her and would like to still be in a relationship with her. Is that fair to say?

Maybe she isn't sure what she wants. So part of her has decided that the relationship is over, but then maybe when she sees you and senses that you still care for her, another part of her wants to change her mind.

Other users here may have different opinions, but I suggest you tell her clearly how you feel. (You can write it down if it’s easier.) Explain how you feel about her and what you want from the relationship. Be direct. You can tell her that you’re not interested in friendship if that’s how you feel. Encourage her to do the same. No games; just what she honestly feels and wants.

If you can talk openly about why you both want or don't want a relationship together, you will remove a lot of the tension and confusion between you. It could be that in her mind the relationship is over and that you'll have to accept that, but if she can clearly communicate that decision to you then you won't be stuck in this pattern of mind games.

Once you've removed the confusion and tension, I think you will find it much easier to be in each other's company. However, if you would prefer ‘no contact’ then that’s something you could talk about with her too.

I know it’s really hard to talk about these things with a partner or ex-partner, but I really believe it’s the best way for you both to move forward – whichever direction your relationship is heading in.

Yeah it is complicated.
I do really want to be in a relationship with her.

Today is really hard, I don't know why but I just can't seem to stop thinking about her today.

I've been having a good laugh with friends over the last couple of days and haven't made contact with her.

She sent me a text two days ago asking if this certain dress she had was in my car as she couldn't find it. I don't remember it ever being in my car and it's wierd because she never wears that dress and it has an intimate story to the two of us. I called her to say that is wasn't in the car and before I could even say anything she already said 'it's ok now..' Seems like she just wanted to see if i'd contact her. Maybe not though..
I called her two more times asking about why she had tried to contact me three times in the last three days. She had called me the day before and I just let it ring in my hand. She told me that it was accident and that she was looking through her call log and must have dialled by mistake, the only thing is, it rang and rang, that doesn't seem like a mistake to me..

I told her again that I really didn't want her to contact me and she thought I was having a go at her.

It also kinda seems like she's got a couple of her close friends who are also my friends spying on me, they're acting suspicious, who knows haha.

I'm going out tonight in another city with some old friends instead of doing the usual thing I would do on a Saturday night and hang at a friends where she will be. It should be a good night.

Just can't stop thinking about her today and it's hard.

Thanks.
James

Hmm...do you think she is taunting you? Is she deliberately giving you mixed messages just to get you to react, so that she can see how much you still care for her? Maybe so that it feeds her ego and makes her feel desired? I really hope that's not the case; I think it's cruel when people do that.

If there was no reason for her to believe you would have the dress in your car, and the dress had intimate significance, then I suppose it could have been a game to remind you and make you miss her.

The other possibility is that she also misses you, and was trying to prompt you into contacting her because she wants to talk to you. But she didn't have a valid reason, so she just made something up.

Either way, if she doesn't have the emotional maturity and decency to be honest about how she's feeling, you might have to ignore her. I'm sorry she's acting this way. Can you block her number on your phone? Or just tell her you don't have time for her stupid games. I'm sorry James that she isn't being honest and fair to you.

I think that's a really good idea to go out with some old friends. I hope you have a good night!

I would hate to think that she is doing it on purpose but it is definately a possibilty..

Yeah, the fact that she tried to contact me three times in three days to me says that she wanted to talk to me but I don't really think she knows what she wants to say. I think she's just confused by everything really.

I just want the games to stop because they are no good for anybody.

Thank you! I had a really good night last night! Was laughing all night which was good.
Just toward the end of the night I started thinking about her a lot and really started to miss her. Haven't slept too well either.

Started to have this big urge to break no contact but I don't know, I think this no contact might be giving her time to think about things. Who knows..

Thank you.
James

Hey that's great you had a fun night.

It sounds like you have a pretty good perspective on things. You're right, she could be confused.
It's up to you how much you can tolerate her confusion or mind games and how much contact you want. I suppose I’m rather intolerant of that sort of behaviour, but you might have more stamina!

But don't be afraid to put yourself first and ignore or block her if she messes with your head. If she can't make up her mind, you deserve to move on and find someone better - someone who knows they want to be in a relationship with you.

Thanks to all for sharing their views....self confidence is the master key for all impossible tasks...

Yeah, I sent her a short text early today just to say that I saw a restaurant we used to go to in another city last night and thought of her. And asked how she was anyway.
She called me instantly and we chatted for a few minutes, she was talking a lot more than me and judging by the way she spoke she was really excited to hear from me. I kept it short and cool though and said I had to go as I was meeting a friend.
I then went out and hung out with some friends I don't usually hang with and she sent me a text saying..

'Was nice to hear from you, have a nice day! And enjoy band practice later on! x'

I decided to just leave it at that.

Had a really good day with friends and feel a lot better, just need to think how I am going progress from this point.

Thank you.
James