I don't know what to do about my friend.

Hello, I have browsed PsychForums for about two years now, but I haven't ever posted. Now, I need help, and I believe the members of this forum are the most insightful and helpful, out of all other forums I have visited. So now, I request your help.

I have this friend... let's call her Kay. I've known her for a long time.. maybe 6 years now, and she is one of my closest friends. However, our relationship is not healthy. At least, from my side it doesn't seem to be. Kay is an intense, funny, outgoing person, but she is also (admittedly) selfish and arrogant. However, I can deal with that. My biggest problem are the flaws she doesn't admit to.. Kay has a very very short temper, and her anger can be dangerous sometimes. It was worse when we were younger, but she has told me that she has broken things in her house, set things on fire, threatened her mother, and blacked out. She has never been this angry with me, but I am always wary of what I say to her, because I don't want to set her off. I guess I am afraid of her. She is supposed to be my best friend, but I cannot "tell her everything" like best friends should.. I am constantly re-thinking e-mails and messages, and holding my tongue when I am afraid it will annoy her. The only time she was ever angry with me was once in the past, where she randomly decided she "hated me" and insulted me.. that hurt me deeply, and it was not provoked. I don't remember exactly how we became friends again after that, because she held a deep grudge against me.. I lost my best friend, for no reason. She never apologized, and when I bring it up now, she gets annoyed. So I avoid the subject.

Another thing that I feel is very wrong is her emotions. She constantly swings between happy, angry, and "depressed" - for example, she will be talking to me one night about how excited she is for the next day, and when that day comes, she is angry and sad. She constantly says she is lonely when she has a very loving extended family and quite a few friends. She is disappointed with her life, and she will tell me so. I am glad she opens up to me. But, somewhere inside of me, this makes me very upset and angry. I know Kay very well, and I know these complaints are materialistic. Her home life is not terrible. She has money. Yet, she says how much her life "sucks".. I always listen to her, and try to make her feel better (which I usually do), but this kills me inside. When I am upset.. on the verge of tears, even, I can't tell Kay. Even if she is the only one I have to turn to (which she usually is), she will disregard how I feel. She says I am over-emotional, and she does not comfort me like I do her. However- and I may be biased - the thing that gets me is, she usually is provoked to whine and cry to me randomly, over nothing, and she quickly gets over it - but when I usually have a reason to be upset (a breakup, an argument with my family, etc.) she doesn't care. I want to say this to her, but I feel it will annoy her, and so I bottle up whatever I'm feeling and just pretend I am happy. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if I didn't speak to her much - but I do, and we are usually together.

The simple solution to this strange friendship would be to drop it, but I can't do that. One reason is, I am afraid what she would do without me. I am the only one (that I know of) that comforts her when she has her strange mood swings. And without me to listen, I'm afraid her intense, irrational emotions will cause her to do something dangerous. Another reason is.. I'm pathetic. Haha, but I really mean it. I am emotional, it's true. I am also very reserved and shy. I have very few friends, and not a lot of self-confidence. Kay gives me self confidence, because she makes me feel like I have friends. But having to watch myself around her, and being afraid of her, isn't helping me at all - it is stressful dealing with her and calming her down, but I still don't want to lose her. Is there any way I can talk to her, make her understand how much I keep inside that I really need to let out? Please don't tell me to make new friends. I've tried, and I don't know what else to do. Thank you for reading, and if you can have any advice, i would really appreciate it. Thank you! <3

So this "friendship" consists of:
selfish behavior
stifled emotions
insincerity
fear
minimal communication that's one-sided
lack of concern for the other
'savior' mentality

Hmm... no silver lining to be found.

Kay gives me self confidence, because she makes me feel like I have friends.

While you remain tight-lipped, not listened to, without her support. So what she is taking from you, she "gives" back abundantly in the form of self confidence, is that right? Strange how such a deluded conclusion can be drawn after admitting that you "bottle up" your emotions.

Ask yourself why you'd rather have the title or status of "friend" (and what a loose form of the word that is) instead of minimizing your social contacts while seeking out healthy, actual friendships (no quotations).

How old are you two?

Hi awkwardangels,

I understand you're faced with a difficult situation, but you said it yourself: “our relationship is not healthy”.

Do you think Kay is currently capable of having healthy relationships? She might not be.

Assuming that you both are (capable), would Kay want to work with you to make your relationship healthier? She may like the way things are working now. It seems like quite a one-sided relationship.

Friends are meant to make you feel about good about yourself. If Kay makes you feel over-emotional and pathetic, why do you want her as a friend? Is having one bad friendship really better than having no friends?

You don't have to make new friends if you don't want to. But if you can be friends with Kay despite her unkind and controlling behaviour, then I suspect you'd be able to make friends with other people just fine.

It sounds like you have low self-esteem and you think that you won't be able to make better friendships. Does that sound right?