My Mother is a Cheater

I have been thinking alot in the past few days about this issue. apparently, my mother is cheating on my dad... with three guys, yes, THREE! d*mn. And it kills me knowing this. this has been going on for a very loooooooooong time. And i know that something is going on looong before but i havent grown the balls yet to confront the problem. it started when i was still in high school (i'm 21) when i discovered that she is seeing another man. then this day came when i read another message and to my disbelief it was from ANOTHER man. didn't know what to do then and just hoped my mom would eventually realize that what shes doin is wrong. time passed and there's this guy who is sooo much younger than my mom (48yo) who i think is in his late 20's. and discovered another message from him which contained the words 'i love you' and i was shocked! i let it pass and thought of a way on how to handle the situation. i sneaked on to her phone copied various messages onto mine just to have concrete evidence. And this morning when i was using her phone, it suddenly vibrated and a message was received. i read it and it was from the 20's guy! i felt really furious and had my mom read it in front of me. she was silent and seem to be deleting everything. i asked for her other fone and she wont give it to me. i asked her what was she thinking. she was very defensive. i tried not to shout at her and be calm. no conversation happened for she refused to give answers. what do i do now? i am really confused and dont know what to do next. i hate her for what she is doing but i still love her. any advice i could use?






p.s. could her childhood experiences contribute to her behaviour now? i am guessing sexual assault. but i couldnt ask it directly from her. her father (my gramps) had an affair outside the marriage and had a son with her before. could this be an influence too?

Welcome Joncarl,

I'm sorry your mother's behaviour is hurting you, but at the end of the day you need to recognise that it is her problem and her life. Rather than being furious at her, you could encourage her to talk about the situation. Try to listen without judging her. Until you hear her story you don't know what thoughts or feelings of hers have led her to this behaviour.

Incidentally, does your dad know, and if so, what was his reaction?

If your mother thinks her behaviour is a problem, maybe suggest to her that she talks about it with your father and/or a therapist. She can get support that may reduce her desire to have relationships with other men. She could have emotional issues that are driving this behaviour. Sometime people seek affairs because they are unhappy in their relationship and do not know how to address the source of their unhappiness.

But if she doesn't want to change, there's not really anything you can do. In the end, it's her choice. As you said, you still love her, so you don't need to anything, but you can be there for her if she wants help.