I'm ruining everything because my past -_-

I have been in a relationship for ten months now. It doesn't seem that long, but for me it is and I love it. He is the first person in my life to treat me the way that I should and is helping me recover, he is the type of guy that every girl would want, but can never find. The only problem in the relationship, is me. I have been sexually abused by both "father figures" one being my real father. The other sexually abused me and my mother and also physically abused us. My real father abused my mom, cheated on her, mentally abused her, and sexually assaulted me and I didn't find out until about 5 months ago what was done to me, but I have always had that feeling. My sisters dad was an alcoholic, obsession problems and just a mess. My mom and me were never close and she has always put men before me, and when I was touched, it was my fault. I have been bullied in school, mentally TORTURED at home and been in nothing but abusive relationships, and I'm finally away from it all. I live in Las Vegas, I have a roommate who is a pain in the ass and has so many parties and guys over to the point I get uncomfortable, but I decide to stay in my room. I have no family or friends here, just my boyfriend. He has never done ONE wrong thing to me. Never even screamed at me and I don't even know how he has the patience for me. He got accepted into grad school, has a job, has a car, very sweet close family, and going to school to be a psychiatrist. He is really a blessing. My problem is, because my past, I take my insecurities out on him, I lack showing emotions or showing him how I feel when he WANTS to be comforted and feel loved and all he wants is me to be happy and I can barely show that. I was in a lesbian phase my whole life due to lack of trust in men, I couldn't help it. My boyfriend now was my best friend and he was the first man I have ever felt comfortable with even friend wise. This is my first relationship where I wasn't abused, cheated on, lied to, screamed at...and yet I take my past out on him? I told him I'm trying to take baby steps into recovery to be my self and he can see the real me and be treated the way he deserves, the only problem is, I tell my self I will change over and over, but flashbacks come up and I take it out on him because he is the only person I have, I'm close with him, and he's a male figure so it's like I get scared because my past, and make him cry when he just wants to help and better me. Any advice on how I can start my baby steps? Getting over things, not getting irritated and frustrated with him for no reason? I don't want to loose him and I can't end it because the past, then me and him won't have a future. Also has anybody else been in this situation?

I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. There are abuse forums here too if you want to visit them. Baby steps is the right strategy. One piece of advice is dont use your partner as a therapist. Have them as your partner. I would advise you find a therapist to help you with the baby steps and with working through all of this. He sounds like a good person and you sound like a good person too. You will get through this. Good luck and keep posting.

Cracked

Thank you! I know that's why I yell at him a lot I guess is because I tell him I want to talk to him as my boyfriend, not my therapist, because then I will never be able to open up. We got into an argument last week and he said he is becoming more "numb" towards things and said he knows the way I treat him [bad] isn't the real me but sometimes he starts to think it is and I don't want him thinking that. Set aside from therapy because when they give me my medical back I am for sure going to look into that, do you have any opinions as to what I can do towards my relationship for the baby steps to give back to him? As a slow starter?

One idea that springs to mind is to make a special night every week where there is no arguing and contentious subjects are off limits. This is your time to be together, go out for dinner, a movie, a walk, enjoy each other's company. Another thing is instead of just shouting at him try to catch yourself and say I am really sorry I am feeling angry/frustrated/upset and I am sorry if I am taking it out on you. You could also ask him what he needs of you. Good luck.

Cracked

Thank you so much :] I will try that. Thank you for being so supportive even though you don't know me. Most my friends say " Stay single" "Let him find better" Kind of gets hurtful hearing that a lot when I don't mean to act the way I do =/ Thank you again for the advice :]

You are welcome

Cracked

Hi ibelievehope. I am a gu in a relationship with a woman with a few like problems. We are slowly eeking through it and trying to make it work. It is not easy for her or for me.

Do not give up or give in, We are not just the sum of our past experiences. YOU have the power to change your future and be happy with him. I suggest looking for a psych locally to talk through certain aspects in your mind. It will not be easy, but remember in this world we are becoming prone to throw away real love. You have Great Guy, do your best to honor each other and always think of the other, and all will be fine.

Hi, I just joined these forums not even 10 minutes ago. But first off don't feel stressed because a lot of people would be the same way if they were in your situation. But on the other hand don't think it's fine and have no will to change, because obviously if that were the case you would stay at the same status you are now with this whole thing. It is GREAT that you told him about that and it's great that you're comfortable with him, and I'm guessing he's comfortable with you, because this whole process is going to take some communication between you two and you're going to have to keep reassuring him that everything will turn out alright. But you need to mean it. And like CrackedGirl said, don't focus all of your time on trying to fix everything. That will put even more stress on you. Instead you can do relaxing things with each other and that will help the whole situation, itself. Another thing that you can do, which is WAY harder than it sounds, is sometimes you have to force yourself to not scream or argue or do anything that will get you guys into a fight or become even angrier with each other. Once again that is harder than it sounds. This was the case with my girlfriend and I, except it was after the argument. I knew I started it and I forced myself to say sorry and apologize. This is a big deal if you know how stubborn I can be. As for your friends telling you to just be single. If you really, truly and honestly love that guy than this will all be worth it in the end. As my girlfriend says: "It's not the lovey dovey stuff that makes you fall in love, it's the hard time you get through." I hope I helped a bit. I'll come back and add more if I think of anything to help. Good luck with your relationship. I'm sure it will all turn out great and you'll become a better person through it all.

Thank you guys so much! Felt even better hearing it from a guys prescriptive with no negativity. We have been getting better, I'm just trying to figure out how to slowly let stuff out so I can become my self again instead of keeping stuff bottled up. I'm also trying to find therapy that won't try to dope me up on meds, and I also have to wait for my medical to come back -_- This week I been doing better then I normally have. Normally when I'm stressed out I'm nice to everybody and take it out on him, but I had a friend this week who attempted to commit suicide, I have a stressful roommate and a bunch of stuff going on and I let him comfort me and take me out and stay the night instead of yelling and screaming at him, I'm trying to open up more a little bit personality wise instead of acting like a zombie on meds when I have been off meds for about a year or two now, I still feel like I am on them and trying not to let my past control my future because only I have control over what is going on for me. His parents are also giving us there house, beautiful home and they are paying for it while I try to find work and he finishes grad school, so it would be good for the both of us, I just want to learn to be myself again and control my issues before I move in and start with a new clean slate with a possitive future. He is all I have down here, I have no friends or family and in general I don't have any family, and he has givin me the most attention that I have wanted my whole entire life so I can't keep living in fear, or hating my self, if I can't love myself, it's hard to show him I love him, just easier said then done. Wish me luck and thank you for the advice, I have been following it and it has been helpful :]

I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. i had some bad things happen to me as a child too, and its not something you can put right just like that. it takes time, and you have to take things at whatever speed you are ready to take them. that means as you said, baby steps, and every time something sets you off you need to take the time to work through that. never try to push yourself faster than that. im sure your boyfriend wants you to be a girlfriend not a patient! even if sometimes he's upset, cause the same goes with him wanting to be a boyfriend not a dr! most of all i just wanted to say just hang in there and keep going - i was a real mess last year, but i've come a long way through working through stuff. baby steps, being kind to yourself, just keep going. here's some luck, & ((((hugs))))! if you'd ever like anyone to chat to, feel free to msg me.