If there is a POTENTIAL of someone making you happier...

My boyfriend and I recently broke up because he got a job offer in another city. We still love eachother a lot and the only reason we're not together right now is because of the distance. Neither one of us really believe in the long distance thing.
I went to visit him about a week ago and we had a great talk about what we want in our lives and that the end goal is to be together again, but it may be a few years away.
I'm completely in love with him and I couldn't imagine myself with someone else, and he seems the same way.
When I was visiting him, however, there was a quick comment about how if I did find someone locally that made me happier, he would step aside and basically give his blessing for me to be with this new guy.
I was completely blindsided by the comment, as I wouldn't just 'step down' as the person who I believe could make him the happiest.
He has lost a few close friends, and his father, in the recent years - and I wonder if this is just him being defensive about another potential loss. However, I think that if you truely love someone, and want to be with them, you don't think about how someone else could take them away from you. You don't wonder if someone else could make that person happier, you strive to make them the happiest they can be.
I did talk to him about it after I got back home, his reponse was "Holding onto you from some selfish notion of possessiveness is not healthy nor fair, we should do what life allows. I've lost so much in my life and I have developed ways to deal with it and be happy. Dont struggle to make me come back. Support where we are going and be proud of us together. Take that strength and grow and show it to the world. Someone may sweep you off your feet someday but don't settle for less." To me that just sounds like a push-and-pull. A kind of "Be with me, but go if you want."
I guess I just need advice on how to take this situation. As I said above - I'm not interested in seeing anyone else, I am completely commited to him emotionally and physically. Just advice please

Hi juliettez,

I think you're asking an interesting question. I've noticed that some people feel that love can be jealous and possessive, and others think that it must be selfless and accepting. What do you think?

If you consider what your boyfriend is saying, it could be that he loves you so much he puts your happiness above his own. Maybe he believes that if you fell in love with someone else, he would try to accept it. Because beyond anything else, he would want for you to be happy. Even if that meant he had to let you go.

Personally, I really like that image of love…the idea that a couple are together because there is nobody else they would rather be with, and not because they are bound together by need or obligation.

Personally, I don't agree with the notion that if you love someone, let them go. Why would you do that if there is no need?
The only time you should 'let them go' is if s/he wanted to go. If they don't want you, then you have no choice but to let them go.

I hate to rain on a possible happy parade, but why did he take the job in the first place if it meant leaving you?
Jobs are a dime a dozen, no matter how terrific they sound. I know that if were lucky enough to be with the person I really love, then there is NO WAY, I'd drift off to Spain for a job
How on earth can money ever replace love? No way.
Life should be about building bridges, not moats.

The fact he chose to leave for a "job", and then come out and tell you it's O.K if you find someone else, is an excuse to leave. If he loved you, then he

(a) wouldn't have left for a job in the first place &
(b) wouldn't be telling you it's O.K to go meet someone else.

It's clearly not something that would ever have crossed your mind, so why his?

Sorry, but that's a HUGE red flag, if not the biggest.

It is good to read Sweetcheeks' reply and differing point of view. I suppose I like a lot of space in relationships, so I find the idea of what your boyfriend said quite acceptable. But it makes sense that it could also be alarming to some people.

Juliettez, you know how you mentioned that he could be defending against a potential loss? What if you are right? Perhaps you could ask him if he thinks that might be true. If so, would he consider talking to someone like a therapist to work through these issues? If he has lost his father and some friends, he may have some unresolved grief or hurt that is affecting me, and making it difficult for him to stay in a relationship with you.

...he could be defending against a potential loss?

Sorry, yes, I do agree with this theory too. However, leaving to go get another job is something that (I'm assuming) would have had some planning and thought to it, well before he would've left perhaps? This tells me that his mind was made up before he left. Given that juliettez said that they 'love each other very much' doesn't add up to such a 'reactive behaviour', like running away (ie getting a job in another region). I would think that if he had problems with intimacy, or whatever the fear is, then there would've been evidence of him sabotaging the relationship before leaving. Doesn't sound like this was the case, which leads me to think that it 'was planned' for reasons which only he knows. Fear is usually consistent, thus manifesting in different formats. He didn't sound fearful before he left, so why after?

Just a thought.

Just for some additional information. His parents grew up with one of them working out of town (his dad was a teacher who had to work about a 6 hour drive away in a more remote location, while his mom and brothers and himself lived in town.)
My situation was quite different, with both parents in the same house for my childhood. Maybe this has something to do with his idea of living apart not being detrimental on our relationship?

Hmmmm, yes, that's a possibility.

Some people have a very strange idea of what love is, but remember one thing: your idea and his idea should be in alignment, and it doesn't sound like it is. Stay cautious, and should you find out one day that he's seeing someone else, don't be surprised even though you'll be really hurt. The writing is on the wall, and it looks like you're justifying it. So many people justify, including me. Something I've yet to manage.

Good luck.

From this guys point of view, I have told my current GF those same words:

When I was visiting him, however, there was a quick comment about how if I did find someone locally that made me happier, he would step aside and basically give his blessing for me to be with this new guy.

The reason I have said that is because I have been in relationships that have ended badly and didn't want my current GF to feel stuck if I did something wrong or if she just doesn't want to be with me after a while. And may have been also due to my low self-esteem in myself caused by hurt from an early age.

juliettez, may I ask, did your boyfriend been unemployed before the job offer or did he have a job already? This is because I don't see it mentioned and may change the reason for the earlier statement. I wasn't expecting a change in positions at work, but when it came I took it (mostly due to a big jump in pay) even though I hated to leave the friendships I had made with the faculty and staff in my last position. There is more to his changing of jobs then just to "get away from you" like sweetcheeks is making it sound like.

I guess each person has different views and feel different about each relationship and I know that some of my relationships have been more relaxed and others have been more intense and this tends to do with chemistry I feel.

He took the job in the other city because the corporation he works for downsized and eliminated his entire department. There were over 100 people in the region that were let go. Two days after he was told his job was gone, there was a job opening in another city for the same position, same money, same hours, etc. that his supervisor put a recommendation in for him for. Only 3 other people received this opportunity.
He makes a decent amount of money and there was a slim chance he would have found something within the next few months locally.

I can't stop thinking in my head that like was said above, if you LOVE someone, you don't leave them. You find a way to make it work, and stay. My upbringing was different though