Don't know what to do.

First off hello all....

As I type this I am not sure if my aim is to vent or just to seek advice. Sorry if I am not totally coherent I am just somewhat out of sorts. I have been with my partner for just over a year and a half. I love her very much, but I've gotten to a point where I find it very difficult to handle her insecurities.

I'm not sure where to start but here we go. First off I know her insecurities stem from her previous serious relationship. She was with her ex from the age of 13 to 18 and he cheated on her a lot and also used her not sleeping with him as an excuse for him to cheat (when they first got together). I don't want to go any further into it as it's not my place but it's safe to say he is not a nice guy.

I'm a little bit older than her (just over 5 years). When we first got together it was perfect, one of the best relationships I have ever been in, we were so incredibly happy, it was quite sickening to others. I appreciate this is how most relationships start and then it dwindles as people become complacent/comfortable with each other.

The first little bump was a cliché facebook incident. She added an ex (not the one mentioned above) on facebook and had slightly flirty conversations with him (as much as any girl would with a male friend). I have no issue with her adding her ex on facebook; my problem was when I asked her if it was her ex she said no. Over a few months hints popped up that it was her ex and I asked her about 5 - 6 times over these months if she was lying about it. She kept on saying no and one time even shouted at me for asking her. Then one day she said "I've got something to tell you and you're not going to like it". This is when she admitted it was her ex. Needles to say I was a little angry and asked her to go home to let me cool off. Which she did, although she joined up with me later on in the day. She suggested deleting her facebook account to make things better. I said she didn't have to do that. Over the next few day she kept on asking me why I was so down (I'm generally a happy guy so it's quite noticeable when I'm down) and I said I was still getting over her lying to me. As the days went on she deleted her facebook account, out of what seemed like guilt.

She then started to get paranoid about my facebook account. She didn't like me logging into it and thought I was cheating to get back at her for what she did (by this point I had already forgiven her). So I deleted my facebook account too. This was about the time we stopped being in this amazing happy relationship we started in. We were also living together by this time (soon I know...).

My girlfriend doesn't like it when I lose weight, she gets angry and says I'm going to leave her for someone skinnier than her. This is ridiculous because I love her just the way she is and no one else can be her. She also doesn’t like it if I spend too much time on myself before we go out for drinks / a movie and asks "Why do you have to make yourself look so good when go out?” Just to clarify this is not said in a flirty way this is said in an agitated way. Whereas she also spends time on making herself looks good. I personally think it's quite normal to make yourself look good (or in my case at least attempt it ) when you go out.

She also has a big issue with my past as I have a fair few ex girlfriends, what she seems to forget is I am also 5 years older than her and haven't been in a 5 year relationship so odds are I will have a fair few ex's. This issue I can fully understand and feel sorry that this is the case but I was young and stupid as a teenager / in my early 20s.

In the last year we have spent maybe 8 nights apart. My girlfriend does not want me going out with my friends without her. When I suggest it she gets anxious and angry then upset. In turn I do not go out with my friends without her. The 8 nights mentioned before are work related. Every now and again I work for a family friend for a removal company and have early starts so ask her to stay at her parents. Every time this happens she gets very paranoid, makes me promise I won't go out (I am too tired to go out after working a long day anyway but I make, and keep, this promise every time) and when I say she can go out she gets more paranoid because she thinks I say that so I have an excuse to go out. When we meet up at the end of the weekend she is very off with me and quite passive aggressive.

Due to the above I have lost a few friends, I spend all my time with her. Whenever I suggest otherwise it becomes a big debate where she ends up crying and I end up not seeing my friends as I am worried about hurting her feelings. Many times she has said she will try to change, which in her defence she is and she is getting better but she keeps on having major setbacks. She is seeing a psychiatrist on a semi-regular basis. This really shows me she is trying to combat her insecurities and I am happy she is getting help.

A set back we had last months was she went out and got drunk with one of her college friends and met me drunk. This I have no problem with, but I got a little annoyed with the fact that she was being hypocritical bout me not seeing my friends alone then went and saw hers alone. I know I should have handled the situation better but I confronted her and explained why this got to me. I don't want to go into details but she did something very stupid after this conversation that really upset me and angered me. This stupid thing is also one of the reasons why I am afraid to leave her.

Just to clarify I don't want to leave her at all I just wish the paranoia and lack of trust would stop. I love her with all my heart; she is the single most beautiful person I know. She has had a hard life, a horrible ex and a loving mother who doesn't always say the right thing which inturn badly affects her self esteem. Don't get me wrong I am not Mr. Perfect myself. I suffer from OCD which can put a strain on a relationship. I am sure there are also many other things I do that annoy her.

I'm sorry about this rant from stranger but I had to get this off my chest and not many of my friends speak to me anymore as I have abandoned them for my girlfriend. If I am being a drama queen or just a plain d*ck, could someone just say so, so I can just slap myself and say "Man up".

Sorry about any bad wording but I rarely write and reading is not my favourite past time.

Personally I don't mind a little "venting". Sometimes it helps just to get it out and off your chest a bit. I'm not an expert but it does seem like she has some insecurities. The fact that she is trying to change and is seeking help is a plus for her. Since change takes time, it may be a long haul before she conquers the insecurity. If you stick with her through it (which sounds like you will) it may be very worth it in the long run. Some of what you've described sounds like she may not want to loose you (to another girl who notices the fine qualities she sees in you), which is nice to a point but, yeah, can get annoying if she's insecure. ... Its unfortunate you've lost friends. Since she is trying to change and is seeking help, she knows she has a "problem". I may not be using the right words to explain myself here but... In my opinion she needs to understand that just because she has a "problem" or has setbacks doesn't mean that you should be, um, "punished"/"fenced in"/"stopped" from socializing with your buddies once in a while (as long as you and your buddies are not flirting/picking up girls/going to strip clubs). Relationships should be, for the most part, an equitable two-way street. I understand that she may want to have time with you and she might want to feel like she is more important to you than "the guys" are. A suggestion, if I may... Discuss and agree on you being able to go out with your buddies a certain number of times per month (dealing with her insecurities, it may be just two or three times/month). [In fairness, maybe she should be limited to the same, I don't know.] Discuss and agree on what you will be and won't be doing on those outings (i.e. - assure her that you and "the guys" won't be out hitting on women, not going to strip clubs, and not doing similar things that may ruffle her insecurities). Then stick to the agreement. And, when you're out, it *might* help her feel better if half-way through your evening you shoot her a quick text confirming your location, letting her know you're thinking about her and looking forward to coming home to her. Not a long text conversation because you'll want to focus on enjoying time with the guys, but just something short & sweet. [...Then make sure you take her out just as often as you go out with the guys. ] I hope things work out well for you both.

Hey thanks for your reply, yeah it felt good to just get it off my chest to be honest (even if no one reads it). Felt good to express it in words. I think I might go with your idea.

You say you don't read much but there is a good book written by a psychiatrist, Dr. Peter Kramer, called "Should I stay or should I leave" which deals with your dilemna. I think it is obvious that your girlfriend has her own "personality" issues that she needs to work out.