My Brother

Me and my brother are ill adjusted people. I still live at home being 25, he is 30. I help out my parents with some money while going to school. He hasn't had a job for over 7 years. He's a nice person, and has a very happy personality when meeting my friends and other people, but he seems depressed, he barely leaves his room and come out at night when my parents have gone to sleep.

I've been meaning to talk to him, but it's hard to bring up the topic, especially since he's my older brother. Finally I sent him an instant message stating that, I've had plenty of jobs I hated, such as mcdonalds, tree planting and flat top roofing. I told him that you've got to help yourself. I wasn't trying to be mean, infact i even said "i dont' mean to be mean", of course i got no response. Perhaps I was being too harsh, and if he is clinically depressed perhaps, i'm an asshole (pardon my language) I just sent him another Private Message stating that I will buy him 300 dollars worth of computer components if he gets a job in the next month. Right after sending that pm I realized I really shouldn't be tempting him with such offers, him getting a job should be something that comes from within right? I dont' know.

When I was younger I used to idolize my brother, now I pity him and want to help, but he won't listen to me or my parents. He is quick to get angry and is also quick to try to criticize when i've done something wrong. Which really angers me because of his current situation (this is just a little insight on our relationship)

What are some of the best ways to help, by typing here it helps, perhaps i can some how get him checked for clinical depression? Any help would be great, thank you for reading.

How about saying things always seem to be the same with your lives round there... and asking him if he ever gets tired of that? and then ask him if he's happy, because it seems like he isn't? eventually you might get round to the topic of work etc. and then asking him what he thinks of work, and if he ever thinks about getting a job or would like to something. you could ask him isn't bored without anything to do, or lonely on his own all day. approach it like you're concerned he's not getting what he could out of life. he probably is depressed, but whether he's living life the way he is because he's depressed or if how he is living is part of something else that's going on for him isn't so much something you can test as just try to get him to communicate somehow... without getting the whole confrontational thing going on! maybe he criticises cause he feels like he is being judged, so trying to make it clear you're asking and not judging him might help? i dont know if that will help, but its worth a try...?

Nothing will change with him until he decides he wants to alter his life somehow. You can try to talk to him but if he's really resistant to what you say you can end up making him mad and then your relationship can deteriorate. I dont think it's your place to try to get him to do anything, your parents should be on his case. He should be told he's got X amount of time to find a job or else move out. What do your parents say about him freeloading? You should realize he will freeload because he can. It seems like your parents dont expect anything out of him so he doesnt give anything. Talk to your parents, see what they say and maybe they will get after him. He's wasting his life the way he is.

Thanks for your input, i'll try to gather the nerve to have a sincere talk, but i've heard my parents try to have that talk and a lot of yelling happened. My parents have already threatened to kick him out, they never followed through with it, I'd be very scared for him if he got kicked out. Thanks again.

Our relationship has already started deteriorating, which is a big reason i dont' want to have the talk, you maybe right this could end it, if I do try to push him to do anything, but how can I stand back and do nothing.

Did you go straight for the jugular with the job speak, or what? You need to get to the bottom of his reasons for not having a job first. He might just be lazy, he might have an actual problem going on. If so, this problem needs to be recognized, most importantly by him, and then he needs to work on overcoming it. You're not going to have much pull if your parents haven't succeeded.

denise123 wrote: He should be told he's got X amount of time to find a job or else move out. What do your parents say about him freeloading? You should realize he will freeload because he can. It seems like your parents dont expect anything out of him so he doesnt give anything. Talk to your parents, see what they say and maybe they will get after him. He's wasting his life the way he is.

If he doesnt have a job how is he supposed to move out?

sounds like he needs both questions and expectations that people follow through with without anyone being so much on his back as just seeing that he can't live there doing nothing, cause its unfair on everyone else and no good for him either, sounds like his parents are shying away from intervention cause they probably feel the same way as you do about chucking him out and were bluffing to try to get him to work or think of what else to do? sounds like it would be worth trying to get him to talk to someone. also, if your relationship is deteriorating and he is depressed, this could be because he is getting more depressed and it isn't your fault, it could be cause your parents confronting him about it makes him feel defensive and that affects how all of you get on.

you're definitely right katana, confronting him doesn't seem to help the family situation.

I never talked to my brother about his situation before, I was kind of like the only person he could have random talks with (small chit chat), but now that i've confronted him i guess he's feeling judged (by his younger brother of all people) and really brought him down. Maybe it's better for him if i try to be his friend and not his father. I'm sure he really could use a friend,

Don't get my brother wrong, he's a sensible smart individual. I'm sure he realizes his situation, i just can't figure out why he can't help himself.