I'm trying to shake my bullied past, but it won't leave me!

I grew up most of my life in a pretty small town where everyone went to the same schools. I had a lot of difficulties making friends and getting along with friends while growing up. There were many instances where I tried too hard to fit in and ended up just embarrassing myself, or did something stupid that ended up giving people something to laugh/talk/spread rumors about. I had wronged a lot of people, but I mostly just wronged myself. There were moments where I became a "loner" at school and no one wanted to be my friend. There were other memories of just being laughed at by my peers and being teased, or just being so ashamed of my own stupid mistakes that I did out of immaturity and foolishness that I didn't want to show up to school. My family was going through a lot of difficulties at that time, and I don't want to place the blame entirely on my situation, I guess I was just a late-bloomer when it came to maturing, accepting myself for who I am, and knowing how to make wise choices in social situations. All of this built up into a great deal of continuous social anxiety for me over the years and I eventually withdrew socially and didn't bother to make friendships or be in contact with others at school unless I had to.

After I graduated from high school, I was desperate to start completely fresh. I had my name legally changed, left for college about 40 miles away, and made new friends. I worked on myself, my emotional growth, and my personal maturity, but making friends was still difficult. I had a great deal of emotional insecurities, and I was very hesitant to make friends, but I tried my best. I eventually developed some friendships that have lasted since college (10 years), and I tried my best to never looked back on my past. Because my college was still so close to my hometown, once in a while, a good friend of mine will run into someone from my hometown, who will recognize me and call me by my birth name. Every time this would happen, I would just tense up and all those feelings of shame and insecurities, and embarrassing moments from my past would resurface. I'd usually try to keep cool and calm, then I would try to ease out of the interaction and hope that my past embarrassments aren't shared with my friend, but it is always so hard to do, and I end up choosing to give up on being in contact with my friend for fear of them knowing too much about my past that I've tried so hard to run away from.

I'm now 10 years out of college. I've managed to keep a close group of friends from college who have been there for me throughout my college and post-college journey, but none who really know about who I was before college. I still have difficulties building friendships and trusting others, so I don't keep in touch with my friends too regularly. Recently, my group of friends became very close friends with someone from my hometown. She told them about my birth name, and my friends began to ask me questions about it. I don't know what else she must be telling them about me, but it just creates soooo much emotional anxiety and fear and insecurities. I don't know how to deal with this everytime another one of my "closest" friends asks me about my real name--- I know they must know other things about my past. I was bullied and tormented and laughed at throughout my childhood and I only want to escape from all of it so that I can move on and try to rebuild myself without being burdened by my embarassing and hurtful past.

Now that this deals with my entire group of college friends and not just one sole friend, I cannot bear to walk away from my friendship with these people. They are all the friends that I have. This girl from my past, however, will also be a part of our "group" it seems, and I cannot change that.

Is there any advice, words of wisdom, any help that you can offer to me to help me relieve some of this anxiety that I have? And, when another friend asks me to verify whether or not I did go by my former name, how should I best respond to that? I don't want to make a huge deal out of it. I just want to shake my past, and my past just won't let go. Please help!

All i will say,

is it seems that you are still stuck in your past.


What does it matter what people know about your past? What does it matter what these people think, in the grand scheme of things?


I know it's not an ideal situation...........but what these people learn about you, what they do with that knowledge........doesn't matter.

The only reason it matters so much to you.......is that you can't let go of painful memories.


It isn't easy letting those things go.........but you've got to fight them where ever they come up and especially when they start to cause you so much distress.

tormented and laughed at throughout my childhood and I only want to escape from all of it

Then see, that it's you that keeps yourself imprisoned by it.


It seems really simple........but "if those people make fun of you, then they aren't your friend"

You know, that thing most mothers used to say. (atleast on t.v.)

"if those people make fun of you, they never really were your friend"


It's true. If your new friends, stop being your friend now........because of your past. Because of secondhand information about your past.............then wtf do they matter?


Like really.

I just want to shake my past, and my past just won't let go. Please help!

Dr.Phil/Oprah time: Own it!

Own your past. Why do you want to shake it? (how's that working for you!)


Honestly....... why can't you tell them this?

If you can't..........then why do they matter? How do they matter?

Should they?

katek, I can understand what you mean. I can relate to you a lot. Letting go of those people messed with you and ruined your early years of life can be unforgetful and unforgiving. I always got bullied when I was a kid all the way throughout high school. Remember those movies where the nerds/geeks/dorks got humiliated in public for everybody amusement?

Well that was me.

Somehow you just have to use that past to motivate you. One of the things that helped me was that use that energy to push myself that one day I would get revenge and rub it in their face, metaphorically speaking.

But the thing is I developed techniques and strategies to diffuse those who bullied me. One of the things I do now is reframe what the bully does right back on them to case their own demise.

Example:
Bully: You're an idiot!
Me: And you would know right...making you the biggest idiot in the room.

The point is not to get reactive, but reflective of their attacks.

Here's a full article about this, which you can read here:

http://www.socialnatural.com/2010/the-a ... t-jujitsu/

Hope that helps and good luck!