Some Changes I noticed about my recovery

Hi all,

On the process of my recovery, I have noticed many changes and things about myself.

I used to be scared of feeling needed by someone. The other day, my best friend had to go the hospital as he is having heart problems. He is a vulnerable adult and didn't have anyone to go with him to the hospital. There I was, scared because I have always been the one needing someone to be there for me. The role was vice versa. I needed to be the strong one and the one who was needed. I went with him and felt better with myself. The worry has gone and feel better to support him.

The second thing, when you feel depressed you see the whole world as a negative place. When I was having that situation with Jason, many people told me I was a kind and nice person. I couldn't see that. But with being there for my friend, I realise it must be true. Even the doctor told me I was as my friend is a vulnerable adult. Now I believe in myself and know the gift I have with caring for people. A gift that I am proud to have.

That sounds great Bec, congratulations for feeling better about yourself. Too many people don't think highly enough of themselves and in the end, it turns out to be nothing more than a societal pathology. When you go shopping and you look for a new car, what do you look for? Usually one that looks good and works in all capacity. Now if the sales guy said to you, well, this car is O.K but it's not really terrific on going up hill, or the seats aren't really as comfortable as they should be; you might have some trouble with the hand brake and, oh yes, don't expect the wipers to work all the time. Would you buy it? No, YET this is exactly what so many people do...they tell you how 'broken' they are, to a lesser or greater degree, then expect you to 'buy' them for one of a better term. This isn't so prevalent in friendships, but it sure is in intimate relationships.

When you feel good about yourself, then you're in a position to go market your assets to others. More importantly - you should only ever focus on those who appreciate your assets, because together - you create nothing but positive energy. Forget those who bring you down and who want to cut you down to nothing. Don't waste your time, focus on the POSITIVE. Something I'm going to totally focus on from here on in.

BTW, I went to see X yesterday only to find he wasn't there. I, once again, wasted time, petrol, money and emotion only to be made a fool of, which seems to be a need for him. This is all he has ever done, and continues to do. Somewhere in the depths of his psyche, he thinks he is interested in me on some level, YET, he sets me up to run to him (he NEVER comes to me), then he either pretends he doesn't know me, or he spits in my face and pushes me away, or he runs away (eg, he's not there). He NEVER responds to any of my nice texts I send him, only the bad ones; he NEVER has said 'hi Y, nice to see you, how are you?', in fact all I ever get from him is a big fat NOTHING. He gives NOTHING, he'll get NOTHING. He has a very set pattern (set me up, lead me on, kick me). AND so the pattern continues: it's how it started 21 years ago, and remains to this day. He stalls, buys time, makes up excuses, looks for evidence to create MORE excuses, you name it - he thinks of it, and does it. ANYTHING to get rid of me. He treats me like absolute SH**. I've never experienced this type of treatment from any man. Well, given he's done nothing but push me away means he has EXACTLY what he has asked for. Treat me like sh**, then expect to receive sh**

Sorry, just had to vent, because I no longer can tell any of my friends. One friend of mine said to me ages ago, 'go to him and EXPECT to get hurt. It's all he knows.'. She is dead right. I'm extremely resilient, but not to the point of total stupidity.