Adjusting to society

I am trying hard to get back up on my feet again after having spent 3 years inside my flat moaning about things that has happened.

I am still moaning because the situations had such a great impact on my life that it altered it and made it even more difficult for me to function in daily life.
I have had too many straining relationships in my life.
That is point one which i confirm. Most of them has got to do with my family.
So there are those permanent relationships that can get you down because you constantly expect something to come from them and it doesn`t happen.
I have tried to ignore the hurt and pain for many years but i think it just accumulated inside me until i had to face the facts about my whole family and their attitudes towards each other. Facing truths can sometimes be a hurting thing, you might figure out that people didn`t care about or for you, when you thought that they did. This hurts, and made me feel like i was inside a lie.
I wasn`t really intending to talk about my family in this thread but they touch on the subject.
If you go out into the world with drained emotional feelings and then try to make new relationships, the old ones will always shine threw.
That has been a problem for me.

I am a type of person who likes to close the door when i leave somebody or something.
I might not have anything to go to but i will try to find new places for my bones to rest.
After having done this for many years i figured out that i don`t have any places left to go to.
So that is what my problem is today.

I have been in psychiatry for some years, mostly in clubs like fountain house which is a sort of rehabilitation place where you can get active and social again (I don`t have drugs or drinking problems, not that kind of rehab.)

I have had many wrong things happening to me, i had a relationship there that went very bad so i had to leave.
When you leave one place for another you take with you all the memories and experiences from the other place you came from.
I tried to settle down in another club, just to fall in love with another man there.
Again i fell into a bad place since we broke up and he had been there for the longest time so he got all the sympathy.

I feel like i always get into impossible situations where the outcome always is that i have to leave.
Even when i try not to get into a impossible situation i still get into it.
I was sceptic towards getting into my last boyfriend because i was worried it was going to destroy my stay at this new club.
He kept on pushing me and we became closer. I liked him but i as i said i was really sceptic towards us getting together.
I tried to talk to him about my family problems and he seemed totally uninterested. I felt like a worker in the club also wanted me to get together with him. We all sat outside one day and i tried to signalize to her that i felt like he was being pushy.
She ignored it. Him and her were good friends and he often complained to her about his horrible love life, i think she was sick of listening to him complain. I also think that she wanted him to have a girlfriend because she felt sorry for him.
I hadn`t managed to get house warm yet ,before we became a couple.
We had an argument and he talked to the staff about it without me being present, so i felt like he had an upper hand, when it came to getting their sympathy(+ that he was well known there).
So again i decided to leave a club.
Then i went to another place.
I didn`t feel welcome there so i had to leave.
There is a quote that goes " out of sight, not out of mind".
Sometimes i feel like old thoughts or problems pop`s up in my mind again.
I am sure that other people feel & think the same way, and i think sometimes people use telepathy to communicate with each other.
Or is it our assumptions of how people would communicate in a given situation?
Sometimes i feel i can read a persons mind, it can be with a stare or the body language.
I have had arguments with some people in my life. An argument is so often about not agreeing with each other or not seeing eye to eye, for whatever reason.
This causes stress.
I wish people could understand better how much stress i have been threw with my family conflicts.
If they could see and understand that, then i think my life would have been easier for me to live.
I want to live my life with as little conflicts as possible but i always seem to be getting into problems i don`t need nor want in my life.
Because of all the conflicts in my family, i have tried to avoid any other conflicts with people.
Maybe i should dare to be more imperfect when it comes to human relationships and dare to have more rigid thoughts and communications around them?
Whatever the answer is i don`t have it because i always seem to be getting inside a hole again and again, and every time i do i always lack somebody to support me to, so i always wind up alone again.
I would have thought that people who work inside these places had more experience and knew how to work out problems.
I think they have been looking at me as a person who was capable of looking after her self, so they didn`t prioritize me.
I am what you would call a border line patient i think? If that is the right term for it?
I used to have many jobs when i was younger but due to mental stress i had to quit.
So i am used to taking care of my self.
I had a conflict on the last place i visited because i opened my mouth and told the people how my day was.
For the first time i actually dared to be myself and tell everybody about how i was feeling inside.
A fellow member of this club didn`t like that at all, she felt as if she was entitled for all the attention for her self, and the staff gave her support and sympathy instead of giving me anything.
I felt like i was put in a horrible situation where my feelings didn`t mean a thing to neither the staff nor the other members. I really needed some mental feedback and support that day, instead i got hushed down because another woman couldn`t take me talking about myself on that day.
The staff could have taken me into a more private room and had a talk to me there, but she didn`t.
I didn`t feel like i was getting any support there so i left the place and never went back again. I saw the staff member outside one day and she just walked arrogantly passed me without so much as a "hi".
I have always tried to adjust myself to society, and i am just wondering when society can adjust a little to me?
I don`t ask for many things, i just want a little attention now and again, should that be so hard or difficult to give to me?

That must have really sucked! I know what it's like to be shoved back by society. It's demoralizing to say the very least. Feels like the world just isn't right for us and that we can't survive in it. But hang in there you'll always have me.....er us.

scarecrow817 wrote:That must have really sucked! I know what it's like to be shoved back by society. It's demoralizing to say the very least. Feels like the world just isn't right for us and that we can't survive in it. But hang in there you'll always have me.....er us.

Yes that sucks big time!

What kind of clubs have you been to? I went to one called 'Friends and Advcocates Peel'. It mostly had adults and senior citizens with some type of mental illness. I was the only young adult there and didn't feel very comfortable so I quit. My agoraphobia also played a huge part in my wanting to.

scarecrow817 wrote:What kind of clubs have you been to? I went to one called 'Friends and Advcocates Peel'. It mostly had adults and senior citizens with some type of mental illness. I was the only young adult there and didn't feel very comfortable so I quit. My agoraphobia also played a huge part in my wanting to.

I have been to 4 different types of clubs in my city.
I have also been to a club with mostly seniors, so i know what you mean.
There are a lot of nice things you can do with the seniors, age doesn`t always mean that they are boring.
I got some help with my crochet work, and we played a quiz that ended up in a lot of good laughs.
So don`t let the age thing scare you that much.
Many elder people have a lot of experience that just might come in handy?
I think they appreciate a little company from somebody younger too.

That was a long time ago. There is another club I've been thinking about, but my failing health has prevented me from going through with it.

scarecrow817 wrote:That was a long time ago. There is another club I've been thinking about, but my failing health has prevented me from going through with it.

That`s too bad.



I am not active currently in any clubs myself, like i said i only have a few options where i live, and they are all used up.
Before when i used to go to them, i would just go for a cup of coffee and not set my standard to high.
Its expected very little of me in these clubs.

Hope you get better.

Thanks! Me too!

I had hoped to meet a girl at that club I was in at the time. No such luck. But yeah I'm better off having low expectations next time around.