not sure how to go about finding a lady to respect me

25, male, never had a girlfriend, only met a couple girls for one nighters a couple times when i was "manic"
i always am obcessed with girls and like them for years at a time and cannot get over them or get them to like me. i am almost 100 percent sure it is cuz of my anxiety, but i cannot figure out how to get over it, very overwhelming. i have everything going for me except my mental state and my income. i am socially retarded and cannot carry a conversation for more than 2 minutes, if that. which is detrimental. i want to just find a girl and relax and get to know her and her get to know me. i dont want to hear that eventually youll find someone stuff because its all the same. nor do i want to hear be yourself, because i am myself and have always been. i am honest and open but it does no good. i have been around enough to know how the world works, but i do not know what to do to change my emotions in conjunction with the worlds thought plane.

i am socially retarded and cannot carry a conversation for more than 2 minutes

Hmmm, so how often do you tell yourself this? Probably too often right?

I know that anxiety is a real issue, but I do wonder how much of it is self prescribed. You know, I have a fear of rats. Why? Simply because my mother did, and so it was brainwashed into me, albeit subconsciously - that one should be afraid of rats.
It's #######4...it's nothing more than an ideal, a seed, a pathology that was planted into my emotional soil as a child. Naturally, the seed grows. Have you ever tried to pull out a full grown tree by its roots? Pretty bloody difficult. But that's what I feel a lot of anxiety is: it's nothing more than pathological seeds that were planted early on, thus now grown to tree like status. Pulling out the roots is extremely difficult. This is what you need to do though. Try by starting to cut off the small branches first, one by one.

It's interesting but there is debate in psychology as to what comes first: the feeling or the behaviour. It's the chicken and the egg debate. One of the biggest influences on us is our language. What do we say, that again has been planted within us from an early age. Language is the first tool that you can change in helping you dig out the roots.

So, start by changing what you've said above. How many times do you tell yourself you're socially retarded? This is MAJORLY pathological. Start by paraphrasing it into less damaging material. You could say...."I'm a really great person with so much to offer, and I need to work harder at reducing mistakes I make on occasion." or "Sometimes I say things that I don't mean and because I know better than that...I'll make more effort next time to stop myself from doing it."

If you change your mental language, then you may well be able to change the behaviour (in time though). Don't expect miracles straight away, this takes time.

Also...try some solution focused therapy. Focus on times you've done well, rather than on 'imaginary' thoughts of not doing well.
It's like cleaning out your cupboard. I have a theory that those who refuse to throw out old dusty junk, all in the name of "sentimental antiques' are the ones who hang on to failure / pathology. I know a guy who does this: when he cleans out his factory that is full of useless #######4, he always finds a reason to keep EVERYTHING because he says he might need it one day. All he does is rearrange the mess. It's crap...he's achieved nothing in his life, he will be 54 this year, never married, doesn't own anything, has never saved a penny, has never had a new car etc. His life is an exact replica of the way he cleans out his factory... full of useless junk!

Throw out the junk and start replacing it with new things, such as language. It's cheap and takes much less space than old language. In psych we call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts). Change your ANTS to PETS (positive emotional thoughts). Do it everyday as many times as possible, and watch the difference. You might want to start a diary and write down your feelings too. In coaching we call this a change agent diary. It works!

well i only fear women i am sexually attracted to, and if im not sexually attracted to them i of course , dont want to be with them, and couldnt be with them.
i wouldnt call them mistakes, i dont think much when i talk to people to be honest. they say hi, i say hi, then we stare at each other and they say they have to go, this has happened hundreds of times. thus all i can conclude is social retardation.

i only fear women i am sexually attracted to

What you're really afraid of, is the underlying possibility of getting hurt - not the woman. To love someone means having to be vulnerable. That means, sharing your most intimate feelings, desires, fears EVERYTHING. You can't ever get close to someone without exposing your true being. If, and only IF your true centre gets hurt...then it's really painful. AND, if you think that your centre WILL get hurt, then guess what? You'll do EVERYTHING to make sure it does, because that's what you're focused on. It's never painful if you're centre isn't exposed. In other words...it's your inner psych, your core centre that feels...and this is the absolute hub of who you are. Unless you LET GO of trying to control it, don't ever expect to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. Stop controlling your freedom. Let it live! When we 'control' our desires, what we're doing is hiding behind fear. You're allowing your FEAR to rule. And while ever you think you're in control, the twist here is that you're clearly OUT OF CONTROL. You're allowing your fear to rule over your desires, because you're placing value on the fear. We all have demons and angels in our heads: you're feeding the demons at the expense of the angels. Pretty high price to pay don't you think.

Trust is what lies at the bottom of this phenomenon, and trust is often broken because so many people ARE NOT honest with themselves. In fact, most of the world is full of #######4. So many people eat #######4, smell it, breathe it, swim in it that's no wonder the divorce rate is at 50%. The remaining 50% who are still together, well guess what? 60% of this remaining 50% quota, CHEAT! You only have to read some of the garbage that's posted within various areas of this forum to see how many are in fact, OUT OF TOUCH with who they really are. Sorry, no intentional offence meant just pure observation.

I've wanted a guy for a long time who I suspect is just like you...fears vulnerability. He isn't afraid of me, he's afraid of 'letting go'. So he does EVERYTHING to make sure he destroys the possibility. What's worse is...he thinks it's me who keeps destroying. Sure, I'm not perfect, but I'm REACTING to his obvious destruction. His destruction is painful, it's unfair, it's soul destroying, and what's worse...is that here is a potentially wonderful human being with so much to give emotionally (I'm sure), but wont for fear of his pathological imagination.

when i talk to people to be honest. they say hi, i say hi, then we stare at each other and they say they have to go, this has happened hundreds of times. thus all i can conclude is social retardation.

You start off by saying ..."when I talk to people..." I'm assuming you're referring to women? If I'm right, then it's obvious you're even having trouble writing the word 'women' when saying it.

So, are you saying you have no control over this situation?
You have TOTAL CONTROL over this situation, make no mistake. If you're interested in someone, then YOU WILL find something to say to her. The only reason 'she' has to go is because you're making NO EFFORT. She wants to see if you're actually interested in her. No pain, no gain. Sorry... It's not because you're a social retard, it's because you are deliberately choosing to stay quiet. Therefore, it's a mistake. Choose to paraphrase in which ever way is meaningful to you, but you NEED to avoid taking blame and putting yourself into the self mutilating pigeon hole, because that's exactly what you're doing.

The outcomes in our lives (outside of natural disasters) are totally 100% of our making. For every action, there is a reaction. If someone reacts to you in a way you don't like, then it's because of your behaviour that they are reacting. It's a really basic formula:
1 + 1 = 2
smile + smile = 2 smiles.

Showing you have no interest = no interest back, thus she walks away.

O.k gotta run, good luck.

Put yourself out there. Talk. Every relationship takes time to maintain and form.

I know what you mean about hurting for years and thinking of them all the time.I have gone thru that many times.It drive me crazy to know that they are with someone else after they leave.It always put me in a very dark hole.Don't give up on hope please,there is someone out there waiting to meet you.Take care