Its complicated and im confused PLEASE HELP!!!!

Let me start off by saying thank you for actually wanting to help me, i need all the help i can get!!! I need an unbias opinion. My name is dave, 25 years old. Just broke up with my girlfriend about a week and half ago, shes 22. Let me start from the beginning. We met on myspace though a mutual friend. As soon as i looked in her eyes I knew she was the one.We got together, it was like a match made in heaven. 3 years pass and we were even closer. But then my best friend shot himself, he was like a brother to me. Ever since that point i've been spiraling out of contol into a deep depression. I just went crazy. I was ok at first but then i just tryed to kill the pain with drugs. I started out with just smoking more pot and it got progressily worst. Then I started on harder stuff (not herion/coke/crack-its not me)while still smoking more and more, because the pot wasen't helping. I was just getting angrier and angrier by the day, because i wouldn't belive that he was really gone. Are relationship went down slowly at first i started cutting off my everone i know, even my girlfriend, we still talked and hung out every day. But for her it was more emotionly seperated. I always gave her the world, before my friend died and she went to college for art. I would get out at 10 from work, drive 4 hour ever fri and sat night , sometimes even more. sometimes just to give her a hug and a kiss then i would turn around and go home because i had work in the morning. I loved this girl. After seperating more and more from everyone, probably 5 years into the relationship i felt a change in the relationship. Her father died of cancer and she started becoming distant, which made me more distant. All i did was get high and play xbox, when i wasen't working. we still talked on the phone a lot but we were having less and less fun. Our intimimentcy started going down the tubes, i felt less connected to her. We got a place togther, because her family was making her crazy(they always made her crazy before). Thinking it would bring us together and we could start our life together. But it didn't, i didn't change anything. It was like i was still at my parent house. About after 4 months in, i would just come home sit down smoke and play video games not even talking to her. This was the point where my depression was the worst. She changed right at the end, started smoking cigs, got tatoos,join the ayrian brotherhood, which was a shock and made me angry.Then one day she said she cant be around the drugs anymore, picked up and left. She said she needed 3 months to think about our relationship and to find herself.I was devistated. But a light bulb when off in my head. I did a 360. Gave up everything, came to terms with my friends death. im a new man because of it, thank god. But the day we broke up i saw this guy started talking to her, he was a 30 year old white aryan brotherhood( im a hippy by the way) And it looked like it was getting serious really fast. I confronted her about it. Aperently she started talking to him in jail, and he just got out. kind weird how it happened like that. One last thing, she is not that kind of person shes sweet and caring, when i talk to her now i feel an angry undertone. We talked and she likes this guy but she is unsure of us as a couple. we agreed on not talking for 3 months so we can figure areselfs out. Regardless we will be friends. What is happening!!!!!! Is there still hope, is she going threw a faze? or is this the real her?
Thank you for your time I appreciate it

Hi, Newleaf123! It sounds like she's involved in some disturbing stuff. If breaking up with her for a while is what helped you deal with your friend's death, maybe it's better for you to just look after yourself for a while. She's responsible for her own life and maybe you wouldn't like what being involved with her would mean, because of the people she hangs out with. Who knows, she might change her mind, though.

First off, I am sorry about you having to deal with the tragic death of your best friend. When someone dies we can tend to beat ourselves up with all the couldhaves, wouldhaves, if onlys etc. I am glad you found the strength to get past all this self destructive emotions and behavior. But your bringing up a good point, Is your ex-girlfriend going through the same self-destructive behavior from losing her father to cancer. Yeah, I suppose it is possible. She might be looking for that family again, with using this new man as a father image. Or she could just think he is cute. Hard to say how deep those thoughts are or judge what is really going on with her.

What you can control is yourself, and how you respond to her. You have to let go of the past, and judge people on what they are today. Can you fulfill each other's needs and wants? Do you both have similar goals in life? Who she is today, I would guess the answer would be no. and you can not change who she is. You might want to regain that person of your past, but..unfortunately they no longer exist. I am sorry.

But you can walk away from her, without guilt. She has a mind of her own, and you have no control of her decisions. You have to let her go, without feeling responsible. Because you need to prepare yourself for the woman you will soon to meet, that will become your wife, mother of your children, your soulmate, who will motivate and support you. Granted you don't even know her name yet, but she does exist.

So spend some time reaching a few goals for yourself, and future family. Mend any past relationships that you might have harmed because of the drug abuse, tuning out etc. Start focusing on yourself. Improving you life. You do deserve to be happy, and have someone around that will support you. and you owe it to your future.

Your girlfriend joined a hate group, an irrational, hate group. She must have a lot of pent up anger and wants to vent and that group provided her that outlet and acceptance of her hostilities.

However, this leaves you as an outsider, doesn't it? I am assuming that you were upset with her joining this group because you have different beliefs and values, correct?

The fact that you've both agreed to separate for a few months leads me to think it's probably over. But, do you really want to be a part of a racist group of irrational people anyway?

This all sounds like, perhaps, you get to spend some time with yourself. It sounds like you haven't really done this in a long time. Sure, you went inward but you were still running away from a big part of yourself, the part that is grieving and angry that your friend committed suicide.

Now, you can have time to appreciate you and you alone. When we're in relationships we sometimes compromise parts of ourselves and being alone can be a treat; we can do what we really like.

I'd personally write this girl off your list, even though you probably miss all the good times you had. And that's natural to feel that way. But, really, it sounds like she's not very stable or comfortable with herself and doesn't sound like she can support you to bring out the best in you, especially if she's hanging out with a hate group. How mindless...

It sounds like there was a lot of suppressed emotions with you and her. You've both chosen different ways to break out of that numbness. Is this just a phase for her? I have no way of knowing. We all hope she gets out of the skinhead association; it's destructive. You also should have nothing to do with it, and make it clear to her that you don't want to associate with her if she's a part of that group (unless of course you think it would endanger you to say so.)

I'd steer clear, be grateful for everything you have in life, spend time with good friends doing constructive things. Fill your cup with the plenty in life, the joy and beauty as much as you can. You owe it to yourself. It sounds like you're shedding a skin, like a snake does, and it sounds like a good time to look ahead to the new year with some resolutions to live life in new, healthy ways.

All the Best,
Jerril

Aryan groups love the lost souls don't they? They target the ones who are in pain and needing a new family or anew world to fit into. they offer complete acceptance at first. Then they offer protection. Then they claim loyalty to you and then they claim they own you.
Your Ex has to dig herself out of this mud puddle.
My advice if you want to remain friends is to offer no resistance to how she is living her life. That doesn't mean that agree with what she is doing-but the old saying is SO true that you gain more with Honey than vinegar. This group thrives on outsiders resisting them. They use it as the reason why they are persecuted. The Us vs Them thing. Don't play that game. Stay cheerful stay kind. She'll then have proof that your not like what they claim outsiders to be. Hopefully she will remember you when she needs a soft place to fall.
In the mean time, you have move on. Be as healthy and positive as you can be. Don't wait for her, let her go for now but keep the door open if you feel string enough too.
You have a big beautiful heart, she'll remember that...
With Hope,
One

onebravegirl wrote:In the mean time, you have move on. Be as healthy and positive as you can be. Don't wait for her, let her go for now but keep the door open if you feel string enough too.
You have a big beautiful heart, she'll remember that...
With Hope,
One

That is probably the most beautiful passage I've read in this forum so far. Well written, onebravegirl!

I agree with her; I think it's very wise and "softer" than my approach. Boy, relationships seem tough for a lot of younger folk these days with the types of pressures to make a living and find nice places to live, etc.