"playing hard to get"

^ ^

oooh.. I like you. you are thinker a model afterall, and you sound like you had a decent upbringing too.

"Bump Bump, Bump it up!"

sweetcheeks wrote:Lemonade vs Vinegar

but not sure how much of it is necessarily to do with "being a go getter."

You're right in that people who have inner strength need to be gentle,

i didn't say it, but i'll think about it - interesting interpretation, maybe you are right.

sweetcheeks wrote:and doing this in its self takes strength. From my life's observations I see that people who don't have inner strength are not 'go getters'. They can't be because they have no self belief, thus no strength. I once had a friend of 35 years, which ended about 4 years ago. She always proclaimed to have strength, but was really as weak as you could possibly be. I never truly believed her, but the evidence surfaced one day when she wanted to try and sell her hand painted fabrics in a dress shop. Her stuff was really fabulous, and so I was the one who phoned and made some appointments with boutiques in a busy area. So, off we went to the appointments. When we got there and I parked the car, what I saw was amazing. She decided to sit in the back with her clothes, which I thought was odd, but hey...people do nuttier things that this. So when I turned off the engine she started to freeze. I understood her anxiety but what unfolded was amazing. She kept saying "NO, I can't go - YOU do for me, please". I hesitated and said I'll go with you, but it's your business: you're the artist. She then curled up into the foetus position and started crying no end. It was one of the saddest things I've ever seen. It was at that point, that my thoughts were confirmed...she had very low self worth, in fact - zip! And so my point is...I think people who lack inner strength are NOT go getters and never will be until they start working on themselves professionally.

ok. i guess i find some things hard to understand then. sometimes i have low self-esteem and hate myself - because life shat on me. but i can walk into a bank/client etc with a business idea or something and not give a damn... also because life shat on me. in the family i was a kid in, showing that sort of "weakness" wasn't acceptable, you just went and did it, or else.

but showing people my art is another thing. im a complete chicken then lol

sweetcheeks wrote:I'm 49 and have grown up in a world where men do the chasing. All my friends agree with me, and I've even asked guys along the way in my life's journey as to their opinion about this. Interestingly, I haven't met one guy who actually said yes...they would be comfortable if the girl asked them out. Mind you...I'm talking about men closer to my age. I think people under 30 have different ideas now. What I'm talking about is a set familial and social condition that is almost impossible to break. Call it a lack of 'strength' if you will...maybe, but I'm not sure that it's my strength of value that gets in the way here. My dad was the one who said to me when I was 14..."NEVER chase boys. If 'he' doesn't come to you, then he doesn't want you." I have to say, my observations and life experience has proven my dad correct.

Interesting thought. i would say not being able to move past social conditioning is a lack of strength, but then im at the other end of things with a bit of a tendency to refuse to adhere to it. lol yes, i'm still under 30, (be damned if im gonna hit 30 and still be crazy lol) i don't know whereabouts you are and if things differ, (im in the UK.) but as far as age goes, what about "cougars" ? my mum did once say "don't chase men" but at the time I was about 13 and busy scaring some poor guy

i'd actually agree chasing is a bad idea, but i'd say the same to men too. i think there is a difference between chasing and making the first move/being clear about what you want. some people can't seem to tell the difference between chasing someone who shows little/no interest and "chasing" someone who is saying "yes, lets get to know each other better". this is the mistake a lot of men who like to chase make - its when she says/shows she IS interested that he has to "chase" her a bit, not when she says she's not!

imho if people blow cold on people when they show they're keen or chase partners who are uninterested, they risk ending up with partners who will keep them on a bit of string or keep their partner dangling on a bit of string.

people usually do this because they have a fear of intimacy. i have a problem with intimacy, but would rather say "i have intimacy issues and find it hard to let others in so this will take time" than play games. so the day i get together with anyone properly will be when both people have a mutual connection that makes us both want it ...and are (or manage to become) psychologically stable enough not to kill each other first. lol

sweetcheeks wrote:He was very blaz-e about the matter, and it told me that he probably made a play for a number of mums at the pool, and that I was only one of them. It was extremely clear that I wasn't important enough, or the object of any emotional interest. I was merely a piece of meat that looked tasty - nothing more.

but there was your answer. As soon as you find out what this guy is after, you know he's not interested, and considering i take it you had no interest in what he was after, since you don't both want the same thing, you're not interested either? But by making a move of some sort, you were able to find that out. I wouldn't say you made a mistake, you just tried, and then realised he was a twat. lol

sweetcheeks wrote:At the end of the day...it's so true that if a guy really IS interested in the true sense, then he'll stop at nothing to try and get to know you. Anything outside of this is either an egocentric phonomenon, a challenge, a fantasy, whatever...but it's NOT the real deal.

I don't know. Most of the men who've really chased me haven't chased me, they've chased after a fantasy who doesn't exist, and i just didn't connect with them. i have a habit of keeping a lot of barriers up and am pretty selective about who i let them down for, (usually people just as crazy as i am ). then there are others who think once they've got you interested they should start treating you like dirt... at which point you really wish you'd nicked that "way out" sign after all, cause it would be perfect for the occasion.

sweetcheeks wrote:O.K...on with my day . Happy New Year.

happy new year to you too

sometimes i have low self-esteem and hate myself -

I think that self-esteem is different to self worth.
Self esteem can go up and down, and often does change because humans are fluid.
Self worth, on the other hand, I feel relates more to your inner core. This DOESN'T change. It's more about whether you feel you deserve happiness, sadness etc. Would be a good debate actually in terms of deconstructing in full.

i would say not being able to move past social conditioning is a lack of strength

Yes, possibly true, but as I mentioned in my earlier post, I'm not sure that it was actually THE STRENGTH of my personal values. I wanted him so much, but my inner being and looking at what he said took over. My personal value took over. Mind you...I over came this social condition, because I went back to see him. Low and behold, nothing had changed. He still basically threw me out. He shows nothing but utter contempt for me

its when she says/shows she IS interested that he has to "chase" her a bit, not when she says she's not!

LOL, aint that the truth!!
I married at 21 and had met my exhusband when I was 17. He chased and chased AND CHASED me despite all the times I said NO, not interested. He was and IS a 'go getter' but not because he has high self worth (he is the opposite) but because he saw an opportunity for happiness, mixed with love (on his side). There never was any chemistry, but there was a small window of opportunity about 3 months into the relationship. It could've worked, but he made the choice to sabotage because of his innate low self worth. He was afraid of intimacy, and mixed with his own insecurity issues became lethal. Point is...I said no in the beginning and so the end was nothing more than an extended and painfully prolonged consequence of his obvious non sensical choice of ignoring the obvious. And, ironically now...I've been doing exactly what he did to me: chasing someone who 'pretends' to be interested but in reality - isn't really at all. s

Im being seriouse now, your dad the great wise man you build him up to be , was in fact wrong in near on all the advice he gave you. One of his brain storms ,was not to chase boys they must come to you.Wrong wrong ,in every way. If you had gone up to XXXXXXX 21 years ago , and said will you go out with me. an he repleyed NNNNNNNNNNO. That would have stopped dead in its tracks 21 years of wasting your life. Your dad like so many old school generation ruined his daughter,s life because he was wrong . An if he is alive today you should tell him to stick his advice. He not only ruined your life but that of the man you should never off married while pineing for a man who never wanted you an never will.In fact you could never be with what you think x may be, you have built him up to such a hype of what you think may be, no man would live up to what you want ,an your dream man would turn out human like every body else, an you would be divorced within the first year, ps, dont start abusing me im telling you the truth. An stop slagging me of to other posters who dont no me, its a cheap shot

Well, nice to see less of the abuse.

I had a conversation with a friend today about this very topic, and my dad was ABSOLUTELY right.
Even m.q said it himself, and he is only 18. He said in one of his posts that he only respects girls that HE has to chase, and who MAKE him chase them. He said he isn't interested in girls who chase him, and this Mr Tea Bag extraodin-aire...is the opinion of a lot of men. The friend I spoke with today on the phone said she was talking to some guy at a pub she was at last night for new years and he said to her, quote.."see those girls over there? They are the slut patrol. They come in regularly, chase the guys and start fresh again the following week. They're not worth 2 bob." unquote.

And no, this wasn't someone who was trying to pick her up, she was there with her partner.

I rest my case manic

And as for X...it's a lot more complicated than I've managed to write here. The fact he said he was too busy, was in fact a "rejection". I understood that and had accepted it. He still continued to lead me on, and pull me back time, after time, after time, AFTER TIME. So, there was clearly something going on in his head to be doing this. He wanted me to believe he was genuinely interested, and on some level, he convinced himself that he was. The problem is, he can NOT take the next step..why? Only he knows. I don't know, you don't know...NO ONE knows because the human condition is a LOT more complicated than most people give it credit.

Anyway...it's now 2011 and my new year's resolution is to move on and STOP venting, focusing or consuming myself with him. Whatever the problem is, the only one that can do anything about it is HIM. Getting angry at me is a fruitless exercise. It's unrealistic, it's self defeating, it's placing blame, it's staying trapped in his fear of honesty. He is the creator and master of his destiny, as we ALL are. At the end of the day, he has a choice...be happy, or be miserable, and given he made his choice some 21 years ago, doesn't look like it's about to change any time soon.

Sad as it is, I have to move on. You can't run your love life like you run a business.

Happy New Twinnings

There is always going to be women who have sex with stangers on a regular basis , jesus that life in the bars an clubs of the world. They need sex like the men they pull,thats the life they chose an dont give a flying ###$ about what you or anybody else thinks, An it useually the guys with little dicks that slag them off. It doesnt matter how many times the get layed , so long as the guy that marries them is the last. What a sad world if every one waited years for a man that never comes along. I dont no what happens in america but its a dull sad life. Our ladies rules are first date ,meal an drinks , no sex. if there is a second date sex is on the menu. Not always that quick but can be an usually is, why waste time if you dont click sexually . If your young sex plays a major part in your relationship an who ever say.s it dont is lieing. All this he wont make the next step, an i wont make the next step is #######4 your not line danceing. An if mq say he dont want a girl that chases him , you dont narrow the field with that statment. So if UMA THURMAN says how about it he is going to say, no thanks uma you chatted me up an i carnt go out with you, its against my policies. #######4

sweetcheeks wrote:And as for X...it's a lot more complicated than I've managed to write here. The fact he said he was too busy, was in fact a "rejection". I understood that and had accepted it. He still continued to lead me on, and pull me back time, after time, after time, AFTER TIME. So, there was clearly something going on in his head to be doing this. He wanted me to believe he was genuinely interested, and on some level, he convinced himself that he was. The problem is, he can NOT take the next step..why? Only he knows. I don't know, you don't know...NO ONE knows because the human condition is a LOT more complicated than most people give it credit. He may well be afraid of commitment, and I'm talking about a mere commitment to a date

Anyway...it's now 2011 and my new year's resolution is to move on and STOP venting, focusing or consuming myself with him. Whatever the problem is, the only one that can do anything about it is HIM. Getting angry at me is a fruitless exercise. It's unrealistic, it's self defeating, it's placing blame, it's lazy. He is the creator and master of his belief system, as we ALL are. At the end of the day, he has a choice...be happy, or be miserable.

I've run out of patience at this point...I have to move on.

Happy New Twinnings

stop chasing, he is merely having fun manipulating. one rejection and continue to chase is OK with a female. but I draw the line at two. if she asks twice she's serious....

Yes, I am now leaving it alone. To go back just makes him disrespect me more and more. I've just posted something on the meaning of love on a different thread, which kind of answers this post.

I have to say, no - he is not intentionally having fun manipulating me. My god, most men would shrivel up and die from exhibiting the type of behaviour X displays. There is far more to it, which I won't talk about: too long and I've exhausted me and everyone else from talking about it. Besides, I'm not here to convince the globe's audience that I'm right: I'm only using this forum to vent. It works! I don't feel angry towards X at all, only empathy and sadness now. I still hold that he is the loveliest man that nature has ever produced, but he needs to be able to see it. I don't think he does.

Until he sees his own self worth, and values who is...he will continue shifting responsibility for his happiness and blaming. Nothing I can do about it.

He will go down in my emotional wall of fame, regardless of where I end up.