Arranging Therapy - Should I Make The Call?

All,

First off, let me say how impressed upon stumbling upon the site this evening. To see so many people share so much in the ways of experience and well thought out and good advice is great. My apologies in advance if this is posted in the wrong forum, but here goes...

My wife and I have been together nearly ten years, and proud parents of a wonderful little girl. We've always been homebodies, and that's suited us just fine. Many was the night we'd watch a movie or some TV, or just chat or even just cuddle together and let time roll by. In the last few years, however, my wife has always seemed, for lack of a better term, distracted. What's always been sort of puzzling, however, is the source of the distraction.

It used to be, when it was just the two of us, I'd come home to find my wife in front of the TV, but she wasn't watching the way I would watch. She would stare at the tube, eyes practically glazed over, to the point I'd have to walk in front of her to break this apparent trance. I would often get put-upon glances when I would want to talk to her or tell her something while "her show" was on. The thing is, she wasn't hooked on a few favorite programs. She'd just make up her mind that whenever the mood struck her, she'd watch TV, and even if she didn't find anything interesting, she'd choose the most appealing of all the bad options and enter what I call "The Zone." At the end of it, I'd ask her how she enjoyed whatever she just watched, and it'd be a sort of "meh," response. We talked about it a few times and it was just kind of her way of going on a brain vacation after work/activites, etc.

While I admit it did sometimes annoy/aggravate/frustrate me that this seemed to be a frequent occurrence, I tried to take the path of least resistance. I rationalized that it wasn't worth having the same repeated argument over, so when she entered "The Zone," I'd try to occupy myself. There was always some work to do around the house, a good game I could watch on the other TV, e-mail to catch up on, etc etc. We'd still have outings and what I'd consider a healthy relationship in all other aspects, so I sort of let it be.

Around this time, our arguments would get a little more frequent, and usually end up with me still talking to seek some sort of closure or remedy to the situation, and her just walking away and closing the door to our room, deeming the conversation over. We went to couples' therapy, and found it very effective. She was raised in a home I wouldn't characterize as especially close, and feelings (much less the expression of said feelings) weren't something which were freely encouraged. As therapy continued, our communication greatly improved, and we enjoyed the benefits of an improved relationship.

Flash forward some time to about a year ago. Our daughter was around 18 months at the time, and upon her being put down for the night, my wife would retreat to the bedroom, where again she would enter "The Zone." Mindlessly gazing at the TV, remote always close at hand, plowing through TV while I did my own thing. Again, I didn't want to rehash discussions we'd had ad nauseam years ago, and added to that my feeling that hey, she's watching our daughter all day long without respite, she's certainly entitled to some "me time." However, the put-upon glances and annoyance whenever I dared interrupt a show intensified, so I finally confronted her. She looked sad and admitted she had a problem with too much TV. She told me she would do her best to curtail it, and true to her word, she has, and now will watch just a few of her favorite programs.

The last few months, however, I think things have gone downhill. I have a long commute, which puts me home around 6:30, and since my we get my daughter to sleep between 8 and 8:30, that leaves just a precious few hours at night for us to spend as a family. I started to notice that as soon as I got home, my wife would gradually saunter away to another room, leaving me and my daughter to play and bond while she went on her new vice, the computer. Games, Facebook, blogs, you name it. It's now replaced the TV set as her new diversion and I get the same sort of reactions I used to with that; that I had somehow interrupted something crucial. She seemed somewhat flatline and admitted she seemed to have a problem with retreating into something (TV previously, CPU now) but when I asked her how we can try to change this, she offered no suggestions. It was then when I suggested this was a pattern of behavior, and possibly some 1-on-1 therapy would be helpful in breaking this cycle.

Her response to this was "Whatever you want." I reiterated that I think this might prove helpful, and that since we had no method amongst ourselves which worked, it was time to let a professional provide their input. She said "you can set something up, cause if you leave it to me I won't." So after we said our goodnight's, off to the computer I went to find a counselor in our area to try to set something up. While doing so, the thought occured to me; should I really be doing this? On the one hand, I'm fairly certain she wouldn't get the help I feel she could if I don't set up an initial appointment. On the other hand, if she's not upset enough about the problem to take this rudimentary first step, is this process destined to fail?

Any input on the above (and my sincere apologies for the length) is appreciated.

Thanks,
Nick

Nick, do you think she is possibly seeking an outlet due to not feeling appreciated? It would seem that things improved with open communication. I would imagine taking care of the baby would be draining. As well as after her day being enthralled in all it involves, when you get home possibly you wish to bond with the baby and she feels lonely. Earlier when things got better through communication, possibly she felt wanted, in that you took the time to care. My intent is not to put the burden on you. However a woman needs to be treated a certain way to feel like a woman. Possibly try treating her like you did as you were dating. I do wholly understand the need to bond with your daughter. Perhaps you could also use that opportunity to build up your wife's self worth. Such as talking to the baby telling her how wonderful her mother is in every way. Your wife is like any woman, she needs to feel wanted, loved, respected, appreciated and many other emotions. Perhaps date nights would help to break her routine. Arrange a sitter and get her out, away from responsibility and stimulate her mind. One bit of advise I could give you is to not approach the situation as her having a problem. Instead apologize to her for not meeting her needs. Read books or study online how to improve your relationship, or set up therapy for both of you. She needs you, not a television or pc to occupy her. Approach the situation like the saying, you get more flies with honey than vinegar.