How to cope with one sided love?

You deserve someone who says YES! DEFIANTLY I WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU!!! Someone who is just as excited and fascinated as you are. Some one who is thrilled with being around you. Relationships that have to be forced or coerced into Never work out.

That is SO TRUE OBG That's why I've given up on the one person who I thought could've and would've been my soul mate. Unfortunately it's not mutual. AND when only ONE person is doing all the work, it's EXTREMELY hard. True love should never be this hard. I know for me, I want my life to be filled with positive people, only those who love positively. Whether or not someone feels love, if they can't demonstrate it or prove it, then it's not really there.

Good on you YAG for sticking in there. Maybe she wants to see just how interested you are. Mind you, if that's the case then it's all game playing. AND, if it is game playing, then rest assured that it won't work. Games are all about manipulation and excuses for stalling. Nothing more. I hope for your sake, she gives you a chance, but the fact she's already said she doesn't want a boyfriend (I think) suggests that you're not the one to really emotionally move her. I remember when I was married (around 30 years ago), my husband pursued me NO END when i first met him. I wasn't into him but he was SO PERSISTENT, that I went out with him because he just wouldn't give up. I never loved him, but he was a good friend to me in the beginning. That's why I've given up on the one person I DO want: I know what it means to be with someone that you don't really want. I know the consequences of that. It only leads to tragedy. So for me, if it's NOT mutual, then it's NOT healthy pursing it.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience OBG. That would've been devastating. Having 2 adult boys that I just love to pieces, I can totally relate to a tragedy of loosing one before birth, or at birth. I don't really know what it feels like, but I can only imagine the pain. xx

I don't see her being busy as such a big warning. I know she has a good reason to be busy now and she sounded honestly sorry to postpone our "date". Of course it would indicate that she isn't yet quite as eager to have a relationship as I am

You know, I spent years justifying why the the guy I've wanted behaved in similar ways. That justification was me protecting myself from floods of tears. The irony, of course, was that I still cried (heaps). All I did was HOPE and keep hoping. I know we're all different and fear rears it's ugly head in many different ways. However...just beware of 'self protection' strategies. I do think that justifying 'poor behaviour' is one of those strategies. I kept on justifying and justifying AND JUSTIFYING...however, at the end of the day, if you want someone then nothing gets in the way. It's that simple. If she finds something to "get in the way"...then she doesn't want you quite the same way. That's something I've learned. You'll know when to let go though. Let's hope it won't be in 20 years from now.

All the best.

An update to my situation. The girl is done with the thing making her busy and called me to have the date we had agreed to have. I'm quite surprised she did even though I told her about my crush. Maybe she doesn't understand how bad I feel about her not wanting to have a boyfriend... I admit that I tried to be nonchalant about it because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. I had to agree and we are meeting tomorrow. I can't help hoping that she will change her mind but I may just be setting myself for another major letdown.

I'm now confused about what to do. I would like to get all romantic with her but I don't want to show up with a bunch of flowers just to have a door slammed at my face (ok, I doubt she would react quite like that but it would likely make rest of the date really awkward). As I may have mentioned in an earlier post, I would love to have her just as a friend too but I don't know if I can handle the rollercoaster of emotions that I get when I'm with her.

would like to get all romantic with her but I don't want to show up with a bunch of flowers just to have a door slammed at my face

Hmmm, here is yet another example of fear rearing its ugly head. You know YAG, I bang on about fear in a few threads, so not sure if you've ventured to any of them so I'll say the same things here. If you want to turn up with flowers, DO IT! There are only 2 things that could happen:

1. She'll open the door and feel really touched by it. In fact, guaranteed she'll love them! By doing this, you're working towards your goal, which is..."I want a relationship with her". So, take the steps in achieving this goal. By coming up with an excuse why NOT to buy them when you'd like to is focusing on what you DON'T want. You don't want her to reject you so why do something that will make her reject you.

2. Even if she does slam the door in your face, and she won't what's the worst thing that can happen? You'll feel hurt right? Don't you already feel hurt though? Why do you want to keep feeding that hurt? If she does, then you'll find out that she isn't the one for you. You're actually afraid of the pain itself. You see, if she slams the door in your face, you'll no longer be able to 'keep the hope alive'. Even though keeping the hope alive is painful, it's not as painful as knowing it's ended. I can totally relate to this. However, by keeping hope alive that really is more about keeping pathology alive, means that you're postponing the healing process. If she slams the door in your face, then feel the hurt and start moving towards getting over it. Trust me I know. I've wasted 20 years on hope and let me tell you....it's a total waste of TIME.

Now, if you buy her flowers, what you'll be doing is showing her that she's special, you're showing her you care, you're showing her that she counts and is important. How can this make any girl slam a door in your face. If she does, she is totally insensitive and why the hell would you want someone who is so emotionally backwards anyway?

Hope this helps.

Well, I let the fear win and didn't buy the flowers. I decided to leave the relationship talk to the end of our date so at least we could have a great time together. And we did, it was the best day of my life. She still doesn't warm up to the whole boyfriend - girlfriend thing though but at least I know now that she knows how I feel. We agreed that we shouldn't have any 1 on 1 dates to save me from the pain.

That sounds like a very Healthy way to work this out. How are you feeling about it? ya Ok?
One

There's still quite a bit of crying but it's not as bad as the first time I realized that I have feelings and she doesn't. I'm ok as long as I can keep my mind off her. That's not easy though.

I let the fear win

What a shame
You know what that says though? It says that you value your fear more than you value her. AND she probably senses or sees that in you, which may well be the barrier to her liking you. I know from my perspective, nothing turns me off more than seeing weakness in a man. Then again, I'm really strong and always hop out of my comfort zone, so I'm automatically drawn to people who can do the same. I'm not assuming that you're weak by the way, I'm just throwing out a theory.

In fact, weakness usually turns me off.

You also might want to ask yourself what is it about 'her' that attracts you. Sure, looks count initially but I believe the spiritual overrides the looks. Looks are only good insofar as the 'product' behind them. Why do you think so many girls can't stand 'door mats'?
Given guys are the ones to take care of women and their babies down the track, means that most girls want a guy who demonstrates mental and emotional strength. The girl quickly sums up that a weak guy probably won't be able to look after her or 'their' children, so he is nothing but a 'dud' in her eyes. Just another theory, but a real one!

BTW, whatever you do....DON'T play Mr Cool. I know for me, and dare I say for many women...it's a MAJOR turnoff.

good luck.

Well, I didn't really just "let the fear win" I just used the words to play along with your theories (no offence, I appreciate them). I just have this silly idea that when a woman says "no" she might actually sometimes mean "no" (go figure ). She said that she wants to be only a friend and friends don't bring each other flowers (none of my friends do anyway).

My primary objective for the date was to let her know more about me, hoping that she would become interested in a relationship. Showing up with a bunch would have brought up the relationship issue to the very beginning of our date. Since we would be essentially in a same situation as when I called her to reveal my crush, I can't see how she could have changed her mind. Getting rejected again would have ruined my day from the start and I don't think I could have gone through the rest of the date. She learned a lot about me so I achieved the goal but ofcourse fell short with the ultimate objective.

My secondary objective was to have a good time. As I said in my previous post, we had a great time so I would say that it was a success in this respect. I believe it was all thanks to leaving the relationship talk to the end of the date, so I stand by my decision.

I'm not saying that I'm not weak. Infact I know that I'm shy and that is surely a sign of weakness. I'm just saying that I can make rational decisions nevertheless. If I had seen even a tiny sign of interest in our relationship beyond friendship instead of "I'm not looking for a boyfriend", you can bet I would have pounced on it and would have bought the flowers no matter how anxious I felt.

sweetcheeks wrote:weakness usually turns me off.

Personally, I don't mind if my partner felt insecure. Infact I can imagine that I would enjoy making her feel better by increasing her self-esteem.

sweetcheeks wrote:You also might want to ask yourself what is it about 'her' that attracts you.

I think I pondered about that in an earlier post.

Yet another guy wrote:she is the nicest person I have ever met. She is also smart and good looking. Anything I know about her is great and my mind fills in the blanks.

Thanks to our date I know now more about her. Everything above still holds. Now that my feelings are calmed down a bit, I can also say that I have seen (with my eyes, not seen as in dated) plenty of sexier women. There are other ways she is not perfect too, probably plenty but I don't mind any of them.

sweetcheeks wrote:Why do you think so many girls can't stand 'door mats'?

They don't? What kind of a person is a 'door mat' anyway?

sweetcheeks wrote:BTW, whatever you do....DON'T play Mr Cool.

Would you be more descriptive, please. Isn't playing "Mr Cool" the opposite of what turns you off (appearing weak)? Maybe I did try to keep my cool when she rejected me but I failed miserably as I was in tears by the time we said our goodbyes.

sweetcheeks wrote:good luck.

Thanks

Isn't playing "Mr Cool" the opposite of what turns you off (appearing weak)?

O.K I'll come back a bit later to finish, I just have so much to do today, but to begin with....the answer to the above question is NO! Women who aren't in tune with themselves may say yes, but being Mr Cool, actually suggests that the guy is hiding. Don't mix up confidence with coolness. I'm suggesting that coolness refers to a sense of arrogance, not giving too much, pretending you don't care when you do, in fact a whole heap of behaviours go with this tag. Men that do this are really trying to hide their weaknesses. You said it yourself, you want to buy her flowers but you've chosen not to for fear that she'll take it the wrong way. This is a fear. It's the exact opposite of what you want to do. The fear is actually rejection. So, some men cover it up by pretending they don't much care or care that is dependent on circumstances. In other words, I'll care if you make me care. That's demanding and based on a platform of fear, albeit to a mild - medium degree.

I know for me, if I find someone I'm attracted to (rare I have to say), I'm totally drawn to his ability to take control of the situation. There is nothing sexier than a guy who knows what he wants and goes ALL OUT to go get it. That means saying nice things, buying flowers if he wants to, making real effort to show me I'm special. Do that and he's got me in spades! A man who is reserved shows weakness. It reeks of "I'm not sure if...." In other words he shows me he can't make decisions. He ISN'T stable!

I'll be back, have to run.