Problems regarding relationships with women

You know what else? You're point that a guy WILL go after what he wants, is something I see in M. I've had a guy who is almost 14 years younger than me chasing me for the last 5 years. He's a really lovely person, good looking, plays in a band but he smokes. I've tried EVERYTHING to turn him off, including being totally 100% honest about my feelings for X. That still hasn't worked. He just keeps persisting and persisting. So, you're right m.q....this is a typical example of what you're talking about. Interestingly, he sent me a couple of texts about 3 weeks ago, and all I did was ignore them. I haven't heard from him since, but hey....I've ignored him before. He goes away for about 3 months at a time, then comes back to see if I've changed my mind. Lol.

If only I could take out M's ingredients of focusing on the positive and just slip it into X, I'd be one very happy girl

Ciao

whoops, that should read...your point is...

Sorry, shouldn't be paying attention to maniac's thread. It's rubbing off on me

Well I am glad you finally decided that you must stay away. I mean you really have a point there, there is really no point on being a relationship where you are the only one caring, I am sure that although you believe that a relationship with X will be heaven, you will feel on hell.

The only thing that called my attention in a negative way about what you said is that you wrote "he does not care at some level" and it may not be but this totally sounds like you are still trying to convince yourself that he at least cares a little. If there is something that he cares about, it is not you, of course there must be a reason why he calls and hangs up but it does not mean that he cares or is even interested in you, perhaps he likes to feel wanted and he does not get that feeling from his wife. You say that you text him when he calls you and hangs up? Maybe that gives him some sort of satisfaction. If you ask me, in this particular situation, wondering about "what ifs" even if it is in the positive way that you do it, is as harmful as you believe that X does it. Why? You have been hurting yourself for over 20 years wondering about "what if he opens up" and he never has and probably never will but you keep convincing yourself that he can change. Perhaps thinking positive can work in a situation where he at least cares but it seems like you are just trying to make a rock talk, it's never going to happen.

I would have liked you to just let go of the guy but I understand it is extremely hard to do and you can't just convince yourself that he does not care. I mean it is not like you can tell your heart to just stop loving. But the fact that you realize that you are like M going after you makes me happy because that makes the point of the girl who chases me and I do not want a relationship with her.
Oh btw, the fact that you talked to M about your issue with X could have been understood as if you needed someone to make you forget about X and an invitation to connect with you emotionally, perhaps he thought you were opening up to him. I guess that what I am trying to say is that trying to get rid of him you probably got him more interested in you.

there must be a reason why he calls and hangs up but it does not mean that he cares or is even interested in you, perhaps he likes to feel wanted

Wow, you really are too smart for your age

I've suspected this all along: he only wants to feed his ego. The problem is of course, this theory doesn't explain the times he has gone off at me. I'd get there, he'd give me the warmest smiles, but because I've felt wounded by his past insensitive lies I found it extremely difficult to bounce back just because he "felt" ready. He hurts me, never apologises or reflects on the power of his words - just demands that I'll jump to his expectations. I know I'm 100% right in my views because I'm the one who has been interacting with him, and I also know how complex the human mind can be. However, your advice and insights m.q have been so valuable and have given me strength in truly accepting the fact that X won't change. I've given him a million opportunities, and he NEVER takes any of them. The anxiety and the pain of his own behaviours set in on his face, which actually makes my heart bleed, but there is nothing I can do if he is intimidated by me. That's what the problem is totally. I'm about 85% convinced.

To be honest, if it were just an ego feed for him, then he wouldn't get angry. You know what though? I could go round in circles but there really isn't any point. At the end of the day, it's time for me to go look at the ones who do want me, or who are interested in giving it a go. I've pushed away so many men, because I've wanted X the whole time, and all it's now making me realise is that I'M THE ONE who is throwing away opportunities. I've let so many walk by all because X has been the one I've wanted all along. Reality is, he isn't interested in being honest with me, he has no interest in empathy or my feelings and how difficult it has been for me, the only thing he is focused on is feeling anxious and sorry for himself.

Now, I'm closing the door on this topic. It's totally pointless. All I can say is that I wish him nothing but happiness and I hope that he goes and finds a relationship that WILL give him what he is looking for. I suspect actually, that he doesn't want a relationship with anyone.
Whatever he wants in life, may he go find it and live happily ever after.

sweetcheeks wrote:

I'd get there, he'd give me the warmest smiles, but because I've felt wounded by his past insensitive lies I found it extremely difficult to bounce back just because he "felt" ready.

Hey I am pretty sure you never mentioned anything about this... so you say that he has summoned you and was glad to see you once you got there? What happened there? You rejected him? I am so confused now lol
So what you are saying here is that at some point he did actually want to be with you? When did this happen?

Oh today my girlfriend spent the afternoon here with me and she told me she wanted to go with her mother to the doctor instead of me and I told her it was OK. Anyways I told her I was going to buy her one of those pregnancy tests tomorrow and she was not very happy with it but she said it was OK. She is making the appointment tomorrow with her doctor and depending whether her mom can go with her or not, I may take her.
I also asked her what was her opinion about those contraceptive things that doctors can put on the uterus to prevent pregnancy and she was also a little weird about that but I think it was mainly because she was a little worried about diseases.
Anyways I asked her to ask her doctor about it when they meet. She say she won't promise me anything lol

Yes, sorry - there is heaps I've left out but only because it's too much detail.

He has smiled at me with the greatest of warmth, on more than one ocassion. The problem is though, whilst he seems to look o.k, i can see the transformation from warmth to coldness. He freaks out, and then goes off at me, and sometimes in very cutting ways. That's what I mean about Jeckyl and Hyde. It usually starts off really well, then he seems to freak out and so attacks me. This is what hurts me SO much. I feel his pain and difficulty. This is why he gets angry NOT at me but at himself. He just throws the anger onto me. It's SO PAINFUL it's unbelievable. I know he tries, but for some reason - he can't pluck up the courage to just talk to me normally. FEAR sets in Then, he feels awful (I'm sure) so he covers it up with the old ..."sorry but I'm happily married" #######4. He doesn't want me to see how difficult it is. He is so lovely, but has NO confidence or trust that I'll see that. He is SO focused on making mistakes that this is of course, all he does. Why? Because he is focused on it. That's why I keep banging on about fear. It's a pathetic demon that needs killing That's why I'm full of RAGE and upset.

All I want to do when I see him is cuddle him, make him feel that it's O.K. I don't know what the f*** he's afraid of. He's so busy protecting himself that he does EVERYTHING that he doesn't want, because he's too busy focusing on what he doesn't want. He did the same when I saw him on the street. I know he would've loved me to say "Hi X...blah blah". However, his entire body language reeked of FEAR. I was in such shock that I pushed my way through a whole heap of people just to stand next to him. He knew I was right next to him, yet...flipped into "OMG, WHAT DO I DO NOW " mode. That's why his body language reeked of 'don't touch me'. All he had to do was look at me and smile. But as usual, he never takes opportunities, he kills them

All he had to do was to look at me and say Hi Y, how nice to see you. I would've opened up like a rose on speed
But NO...he refuses to jump off his wall of fear. That's why I find it so difficult to let go. I KNOW he would love to give it a go, but he REFUSES to take any risks. AND you know what? The bizarre thing is, there is NO RISK. All his sh** is in HIS HEAD, not mine!

I just can't keep going back because nothing will change. At best he'll smile, but he WON'T take the next step, and so going back means I HAVE TO take the risk. It's twice as hard for me because I'm the female. It's HIS JOB to make effort, but he puts the entire responsibility onto me. That's NOT FAIR Going to him is all at my expense. I just can't afford any more pain.

He is SO f***ing focused on pain that it's totally unbelievable. He'll be in the pool with hundreds of other men when he gets to 60. He'll be sad, emotionally starved and full of regrets and sadness. I can't tell you how many older men I spoke to during my counselling days - all full of regret and sadness. That's why the divorce rate is at 50% and over 60% of the remaining 50% who are still together - cheat! So many people end up marrying a safety blanket instead of the person they really love.

Its THE saddest story of living history.

God, I've wound my self up yet again. I'll come back a bit later.

I thought the appointment was for today?
Crap...good luck!

Oh nevermind then, I thought he did actually want you for a second but the smile obviously does not mean anything. It really does not.. I give the same smile to the girl who chases me and I am sure you give a similar smile to M and he thinks it is lovely.
Can you imagine M for a second thinking that you are afraid of going with him and that you will end up old and single because you are chasing the wrong man? lol He may not be that into you compared with how you feel about X but can you see how it is possible?

No, she is actually making her appointment on Monday... right now it is Sunday. I think we have different times... you haven't told me where you are from...?