What does he want?

There is an insanely long story behind the "relationship" I've had with the father of my two children (One's still in utero though). I messed a lot of things up, and hurt him in a variety of ways. I'll admit I screwed up badly, but I have purposely changed a lot of things in my life since getting pregnant again 5 months ago. I'm not writing this topic to bash him, but I'm genuinely confused about what it is he wants from me. He says one thing, but acts completely different. He'll blame that on being indecisive and "stupid," and say nothing will happen ever again.

For the last two months he's told me we'll never be together, but then he'll come over and sleep with me. In the beginning it truly WAS just meaningless sex. I could tell by the lack of affection, and the fact that he'd leave the room as soon as he was finished. In the last few weeks, however, he's been more cuddly and affectionate when we've seen each other. However, between every instance of us sleeping together, he'll say we're never going to be in a relationship again. My emotions would eventually peak, and I"d tell him to just call my mother to arrange visiting our son, and to talk to me if he changed his mind. Every time I'd say something along those lines...especially if I used the word "goodbye," he'd pull me back in somehow. "We'll always be friends." "I still care about you," etc... there was always that lingering "but..." in there.... Sadly, I reacted more to the actions than the words. He said even though he may want to be with me again, he knew deep down that it'd be an awful idea.... but then he'd kiss my neck and hug me... eventually working into sleeping together.

This happened a few days ago. He CHOSE to come hang out at my place with our son, instead of just visiting with him alone. We cuddled. We embraced. I wanted to cry because I was so happy. I felt so much love for him... And of course we slept together. I texted him last night asking if he wanted the details of the ultrasound I was getting today. I was finding out the gender. I didn't get much of a response. Then today I woke up at 7:30am because I just received an extremely lengthy text...

"We are never going to be together again, ever. That is my final decision. You are so immature that you think keeping this baby is a good idea, and so ambitionless that you have nothing better to do than raise it. I cannot be there for this child because you are a ruinous force in my life. It's not fair to the child. I stupidly missed some aspects of our life before, but I realize now that I may want that, but not with you. I can't waste my entire life playing house with you, and you shouldn't waste yours either. Give the baby to another family, go to school, make yourself and Christopher, and the new baby proud when it meets you again. I want to be a father to any of my kids and bond from birth, but I CANNOT AND WILL NOT with another child with you. We will never have what we did before. If that is making you act this insane, forget it. No more us."

We texted back and forth for awhile after that. No matter what I said, though, it didn't matter... 'cause he dismissed me as either pulling the "dramatic bitch card" when I said maybe he'd get lucky and we'd both die during labor... (I've seriously been feeling like killing myself for weeks now...) or laughing at me and saying he couldn't take me seriously because I just "feel sorry for myself." After that exchange... I wasn't expecting to hear from him. He didn't want to know anything about the baby, right?

I got the ultrasound and started feeling better emotionally. I had conversations on facebook with people about names, and eventually made a joke about the baby going, "THIS IS SPARTA -kick-" .... not too long after that exchange on facebook, I get a text from my ex, saying "You can't name a girl Leonidas! >:(" ...it just seems way too ridiculous to be a coincidence. We're not friends on facebook... He blocked me months ago. It really confuses me what the point of him even saying anything was....

Is he trying to tell me something?
Is he trying to say that he's reading discussions I have?
What's going on in his head? Why is he suddenly having a "friendly" conversation out of the blue after saying such things to me?

I tried not to respond... it's so hard though. I just handed power back over to him by doing that.... but I wanted to know if he's watching my facebook or something... I asked why he texted me that, and he just responded by saying, "Cause you can't name a girl Leonidas. Maybe, like, Boudica or something..."

.....
What does he want from me? Everything he does and says just confuses me more and more.

This playing with your emotions at a time when you are pregnant with his child is just... well, just seems plain cruel to me.

He is pushing you away and then pulling you back to him. It sounds like he wants you on his terms only and is being fairly controlling about that.

The other viewpoint could be fear: he is clear that he does not want to play happy families but doesn't want to lose the connection with you either.

This must be so hard for you to endure.

As for the facebook: that would make me think he is fairly obsessed with you and what you are talking about/doing/planning.

However hard it is, you need to start playing him at his own game. If he freaks out everytime you get close to him and/or he feels like he is losing control there is no point in letting him know how upset you are or how much you love him.

Withdraw from him and the situation. Once he saw you chatting on facebook and not 'obsessing' over him he started sending you friendly/jokey text's - at least, that is my take on it.

I know this is hard but try to fight the sadness... be strong. If nothing else, it would make him want you back and then the ball is back in your court.

topaz wrote:This playing with your emotions at a time when you are pregnant with his child is just... well, just seems plain cruel to me.

He is pushing you away and then pulling you back to him. It sounds like he wants you on his terms only and is being fairly controlling about that.

The other viewpoint could be fear: he is clear that he does not want to play happy families but doesn't want to lose the connection with you either.

This must be so hard for you to endure.

As for the facebook: that would make me think he is fairly obsessed with you and what you are talking about/doing/planning.

However hard it is, you need to start playing him at his own game. If he freaks out everytime you get close to him and/or he feels like he is losing control there is no point in letting him know how upset you are or how much you love him.

Withdraw from him and the situation. Once he saw you chatting on facebook and not 'obsessing' over him he started sending you friendly/jokey text's - at least, that is my take on it.

I know this is hard but try to fight the sadness... be strong. If nothing else, it would make him want you back and then the ball is back in your court.

It is definitely hard, and I keep replying to him even though I know it's going to make it harder for me. He texted me today asking to see our son in the morning, and I told him to talk to my mother. He apparently never called her though.

Thank you so much for your response. I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks that. I know he's not some evil mastermind that's planning every way to hurt me... so my take is more how he might have this fear that is making him act irrationally. He claims that he's completely over me though, so I've never understood his actions.

He keeps trying to joke around and be playful with me. It's hard for me to stand my ground when every time he acts that way, I want to believe he's trying to be close to me again. I don't know if it's because he wants to stay friends... or if he wants something in general... like to see his son, or for me not to push taking my things back... I'd like to think it's because he wants to stay friends...

I can only answer in relation to what I would do in your situation so.... obviously, not sure I am right.

If someone hurts me then I automatically distance myself. It is kind of my nature anyway to shut off. If they then start trying to get friendly again I still keep my distance and just let whatever is going to unfold...just unfold without any action on my part.

I think maybe you need to protect yourself a little more - emotionally at least. Sometimes doing the opposite of what you really want to do can work in your favour. He will have more respect for you too if he can see you are not going to take anymore of his BS. It may not be intentional to hurt you but his indecision is hurting you so that is why I would suggest you take back some control.

I know this is easier said than done. Your emotions are likely to be all over the place because of all those pregnancy hormones put in the mix so you are very vulnerable right now to have to deal with this.

Take care of yourself.

Yeah, it might be better for me to try to keep a distance more so than I have been. It's just really hard for me to do that when he's trying to joke with me and talk like nothing's wrong. He apparently messages my SN every time my sister logs onto my computer... and he's messaged me twice on my phone in the last two days.

Yeah.. my emotions are stupid. It doesn't help on top of being pregnant to have Borderline, where my emotions are crazy anyway... Blah!