End of a relationship, that feels like the end of the world

I’m sorry this is so long. I tried my best to condense it but I had so much to get off my chest. It would mean a lot to me if someone would read and respond.
My high school boyfriend and I had the closest relationship, sharing so many special experiences and growing together. I could go on forever about how great together we once were and what he means to me. But over time he seemed to lose interest to an extent and I wasn’t a high priority anymore, and finally we broke up the summer after graduation. Now we go to the same college, and when we got there he still never stopped talking to me or trying to fix things with me. I took my friends' advice and became busy, joined a sorority, and met lots of new people. After awhile, I met a new guy, and although it was nothing too serious, we began spending lots of time together. When my ex boyfriend found out, he was crushed. He became emotionally unstable, and at one point he begged to talk to me and waited for an hour by my dorm room until I came out to talk to him. Over the next couple months, I moved on. and he sent me letters, called, texted, etc. telling me how he’d never been more sure that I am the only girl for him and he’d wait as long as it takes. I couldn’t help but see how serious he was about me and I let the new guy go. After a couple more months of him being so attentive and treating me so well, I agreed to get back together with him. He was ecstatic and for the first few months it was everything I had hoped. He held my hand in public again, loved spending time with me, and talked about how he could see us together in his future. Then, sure enough, he became distracted by other things. He was so busy with his fraternity, clubs and organizations, and friends. He would sometimes make plans with me and then fall asleep and miss them. Basically, all the same things began to happen again and I slipped back down on his priority list. Then this month, he went on a two week trip out of the country. While he was gone, he found time to get on facebook and talk to friends, but he sent short, impersonal responses to my messages or nothing at all. He even posted pictures with his arm around another girl on his trip, and when I asked who she was, he only said, “just a girl from the trip, I took pictures with lots of others too, why are you worried about that?” When we got back, he didn’t seem to be in a huge rush to see me. When we finally met up and talked, I asked him why he’d been acting so different. He said that he’d been thinking about life, and how we’d dated for such a long time, and we are so young. He said even if we dated for the rest of college, what if we went off to different grad schools or got jobs far away from each other? He is very ambitious and dreams of having a big name in politics, traveling a lot, etc. He said while I’m not holding him back, he doesn’t know if he’s ready for something this serious. He still admitted that he wasn’t sure that he wanted to break up, that he loved our relationship and didn’t regret a second of it, but he just didn’t know. I said it was probably best that we just break up, even though it hurt me so deeply. He seemed at the time to be very hurt by my decision too. Now, he seems to have moved on with practically no effort, hanging out with lots of friends, different girls, enjoying life and not looking back. I am crushed. I can’t stop thinking about him even for a minute no matter how hard I try. He is my first thought when I wake up and he never goes away. I guess I closed myself off from friends to an extent while we were together because I seem to have nothing to do and no one to talk to now. It’s even harder because it seems that the world is just opening up to him. He is possibly going to be the next president of his fraternity, he is looking into amazing internships abroad, and he has countless friends and things to do. He is always with someone different and busy with something. I appear to have had absolutely no meaningful impact on his life, like I was no loss to him at all, while my whole life for the past two and a half years is filled with memories of him and dreams that we once had for a future together…or maybe only I had them. How do I move on when his life seems so exciting and wonderful without me, while mine feels dismal and meaningless?
For me, every part of my life has been affected, but he has so many more important things on his mind.

Summergirl,

That is a bummer! Sounds like to me that he only wanted you back when he saw that you were about to become "unavailable". Someone once had a great term for this, i cannot remember but it has something to do with wanting what you cannot have, once he has you the "conquest" is over and he moves on.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but my opinion nonetheless. You seem very nice and caring, someone will appreciate that, it would be a shame if you tried to stay with someone who does not...

-Corey

Corey,
thank you very much for responding! I'm sure my post sounded completely pathetic, I hope it didn't seem like I was whining and going on and on. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, and either today is just one of my up days or it's starting to get a little better.

I know that he wasn't right for me and doesn't appreciate me, but it's still hard. I wouldn't get back together with him now even if he came begging for me to come back, but I just want to get to the point that it won't kill me if I see pictures of him with a new girl or see him on campus. I am dreading that day and it causes me a lot of anxiety.

I understand what you mean. Despite the lack of desire to even get together again if he tried, the thought of him being with someone else is like a personal hit, displaying his complete detachment from you and ability to initiate a relationship with someone else pretty much carefree. Some may view this as "obviously you are still somewhat attached", but i can see the other possibility that it may affect your self-esteem?

Either way, im sure you can justify this as it is his behavior that may continue with whatever future relationships he has, so dont take it personally =)

Or i have no idea what i am talking about, but it sounded good!

Yeah exactly. I definitely think it affects my self-esteem, although being in our relationship when he wasn't all that concerned with keeping me around affected my self-esteem too, so no major loss there. Even if it's not a new "relationship," just knowing that he is seeing or even just talking to and texting other girls as friends regularly really gets under my skin. It just seems unfair, that I gave almost 3 years of my life loving him and being there for him, and now I am the one person that doesn't even get to speak to him or be around him. Not that I really WANT him to start talking to me, I don't think I could handle that. It's all so confusing.

P.S. Corey: have you been in a similar situation or ever suffered the loss of a serious relationship? You seem very knowledgable about this. Then again, it seems to me that I felt like I had a better understanding of relationships before I was ever in this situation. When it's not personal to you, it's obvious. If you want to be together and treat each other right, you stay together, and if either person is not pulling their weight, you move on. I always felt like I was more "mature" and could easily see the solution when my friends had relationship problems. But then once you get your own emotions caught up in it, it seems like there is no clear cut answer.

Funny, i know what you mean. I always felt more than capable of identifying issues and addressing them, but i have indeed gotten burned before, long story but mostly my fault! It is fairly easy to see problems and solutions in other relationships as a somewhat un-biased observer, but under the veil of emotion our own insight blurs...

To be honest, i was the guy who who emotionally ignored his woman, not intentionally or to be hurtful or anything like that, just married a woman i did not love (young and i did not know what love was). My cold behavior was not obvious, but the effects were felt, ending with my ex leaving me for someone else. If this makes any sense, there is a bit of irony as i experienced both sides of your problem For the most part i was not too concerned with my ex when we were together, but if another man tried to flirt with her i immediately because jealous or something.

Really not sure where i was going with that, it made sense at the time, lol!

Ahh okay, it always seems like the young relationships don't work out in the end. I've heard that you change the most between the ages of around 18 and your mid twenties. It really makes me wonder if college-age relationships are worth pursuing. A little part of me feels relieved that now I can do anything I want, study abroad if I feel like it, and when I graduate from college I could accept a job across the country if that comes along without feeling like I have another person to consider and work into the equation. In that way, I really understand where he was coming from. It almost makes me want to avoid getting emotionally attached to anyone else for the next few years. But a lot of married couples meet in college, so I don't want to shut myself off and then regret it when I'm all settled into a job and still haven't met anyone.

Sunshine,

Your post was very touching and one which I can relate to. It seems, like myself, you're more of a giver and were the stimulus to your ex's self esteem. I put up with years of empty promises and time and time again when I was in a prominent position to move on, I was pegged back with ambitious vows of change that very rarely came to fruition. All the same underlying issues remained and I kept getting less and less back as a result.

Yet, I digress; take solace in the fact that you did what you thought was right at the time and pledged yourself wholeheartedly in the name of love for this ungrateful person. Yes it's all well and good saying that but time is a great healer and think of it as a test bestowed upon you. I promise you'll come out stronger on the other side. And for some reason I have an inkling he will realize he made a mistake and return - albeit to clear his conscience.

Stay busy, discover and appreciate yourself for you are a true, honest and sincere person and there's millions out there that would surpass the love he had for you.

I felt like a loser too and felt short changed after waiting for years to marry this person who failed to deliver on the essential aspects of a relationship. One day you'll look back and laugh.