Emotional dependency makes me weak

Hi, I'm new here.

As the youngest child of three, I've always felt safe to the extent of not having to have children. Things happened: my sister got lesbian, my brother became father but his ex told him goodbuy (long story short), AND MY PARENTS, don't see his daughter anymore.

Now comes the weak part: I've always felt that I've been my mother's favorite child. But I never really could love her the way so many others did. She is a good woman, but I always felt uneasy to for instance kiss her on her birthday. I have devoloped intimacy problems from early on. It was after my thirties that I had my first kind of serious relationship, but my mother didn''t approve this, because she had an anxiety disorder. For me, I had my doubts too, but the fact that my mother didn't approve the relationship made me have loyalty problems. Long story short, I ended the relationship.

I have to tell you, that all my mother's sisters and brothers got grandchildren. She has one, but is not allowed to see her granddaughter. Of course, it's a sad story. What makes is more sad, is that I feel as if I should make it all okay, that I should become father. It's not that I don't want to have kids, but not that I HAVE to either.

Now, in my mid-thirties I met a woman 10 years older than me. We could get along very very well, had great fun, good sex, but now come the mistakes: my brother told me to not to get too serious with her, because 'Hey, you're going to have kids, right?' And me, not being emotionally independent, thought about this and thought: well, yeah, you're right. But here's the problem: why can't I make my own proper decisions and let others decide what would be good for me? I have hurt this woman big time, she's been crying on the telephone when I told her about my doubts (continuing the relationship) and that I filled in for her that I presumed she wouldn't want/be able to have kids with me. I felt such a jerk. This was yesterday. One thing that should have mattered to me was that it felt right with her, that she respected me for who I am, we shared the same sense of humour.... I feel like a weak bastard. Can anyone relate, and what's your opinion on mmy story?

Try to distance yourself from your family a bit in order to arrive at life decisions which belong to you alone. Don't allow them to give you a guilty conscience in terms of children or anything else. Finding a woman first should be the first step, then the issue of children comes up. It sounds as though your family wants you to be sure that a woman is fertile and willing, paying little mind to her depth of character. That's what you call not having priorities straight. Do what makes you happy.

Black Dove wrote:Try to distance yourself from your family a bit in order to arrive at life decisions which belong to you alone. Don't allow them to give you a guilty conscience in terms of children or anything else. Finding a woman first should be the first step, then the issue of children comes up. It sounds as though your family wants you to be sure that a woman is fertile and willing, paying little mind to her depth of character. That's what you call not having priorities straight. Do what makes you happy.

Thanks Black Dove, very insightful. I will come back on this.

please try to distance your mother, it is not the healthy relationship, i know it from my aunt, she was 55 years old, never married and all of her life lived with her ma. my grandma died 5 years ago and she was like a fish out of water! because she did not know how to make a meal or ironing her clothes! and no one depended on her and she used to be depended on, she needs to be cling someone else and make my mother nearly crazy now! because my mother is her only sister and she wants to be guarding of a mother from her. take your life and be free.

Black Dove wrote:Try to distance yourself from your family a bit in order to arrive at life decisions which belong to you alone. Don't allow them to give you a guilty conscience in terms of children or anything else. Finding a woman first should be the first step, then the issue of children comes up. It sounds as though your family wants you to be sure that a woman is fertile and willing, paying little mind to her depth of character. That's what you call not having priorities straight. Do what makes you happy.

Well reading your post again, I can't agree more.

Let me first start by saying my relationship to my parents has not been quite healthy. You know, talking about things with your parents SHOULD be a common thing. It wasn't, and that's my bad too. Especially now, as adults we SHOULD talk about things important. I was afraid to, didn't feel safe to, on and on. I also had a childish dislike about my parents that went on till my twenties. And still, they have supported me materially, didn't disagree to me studying.. but the void comes in when it's about NOT discussing things important: I have never, never ever asked them what their childhood was like, about their most beautiful memory of their youth. I feel bad about not daring to. A good relationship with my parents is now more important to me than ever, because I feel worse than ever.

Now to my girlfriend family is very, very important. I know she feels sad about me not having good contact with my parents. The last couple of weeks I have felt bad, bad about myself. My girlfriend told me the importance of TALKING. And frankly, I'm not much of a talker. I have told her I know I have to love myself so I could love her more, I told her I really want to love her with my whole soul and heart, but that I can't completely. She was hurt by these words and mostly that made her break with me. I feel bad.

helix the felix wrote:please try to distance your mother, it is not the healthy relationship, i know it from my aunt, she was 55 years old, never married and all of her life lived with her ma. my grandma died 5 years ago and she was like a fish out of water! because she did not know how to make a meal or ironing her clothes! and no one depended on her and she used to be depended on, she needs to be cling someone else and make my mother nearly crazy now! because my mother is her only sister and she wants to be guarding of a mother from her. take your life and be free.

I've learned some really good things from my girlfriend. She said she didn't agree on me distancing from my mother, for it would make her not deserving me. Be free, yes, that's what I want. It takes courage to be free, and I'm a coward. I hope I have courage. What's making me not free is the poor relationship with my parents. And that's the main reason she broke up with me. Still, she says she will love me forever, but as friends.