Just looking for some input

Im just looking for input just anyone thats been there before since I have no one to talk to on the subject.

Ive been seeing someone for about 2 months now and she is very heavy on the whole getting married thing, getting a ring and saying how she loves me, etc. I like her very much and care about her a lot but everythings going way too fast, yet everything is going way too well also. Everything seems perfect and its scary really. To be completely honest I never even cared about getting married or having kids before, so never paid attention to it. Im not saying I dont want it just I want it at the right time when I want it. But I do feel like she could make me want it and its probably already happened.

Im actually in a different state than her right now. We had met at end of March because she came down to visit her dad for spring break (lives with mom). Shes already moving down here by end of June which means we would be seeing a lot of each other. We talk nearly everyday, not just what you normally do with girls and talk for 5-15mins... but hours, like 1-3 hours a day. Im sure thats mostly because of the distance but Ive never been able to talk to someone like that before. She says she dont talk on the phone much with anyone, she is more of the texting type. Im more of the quiet type but she is really chatty and playful to me but I have no problem talking to her its just very soothing to me. Theres a lot that I like about her but anyway.

Im 6 years older and have my own business so Im thinking alot of that may play in the part of how she feels about me. Im probably looking into it too much but shes told me 1) she wants to get a ring 2) wants us to make lots of money 3) have no kids. In that exact order. And that I have nothing to worry about... which almost makes me want to think the opposite. Ive also thought that she just wants to keep me around just so she has someone to talk and hang out with when she comes down here so shes not alone. Which is understandable.. but a little wrong too.

I know girls just want to be affectionate and want to feel loved. She is definently needy, immature, irresponsible, no self-control, unappreciative. She doesnt look at price tags, does not understand money, and is lazy. A lot of this isnt too big of a deal just set some rules. Ive told her some things she will have to do to keep me around which she seems like she will do the right thing -- but of course she could just be telling me what I want to hear. Thats about all I got if I think of something may add later.

There's a problem here, so it's right that you've come here. Girls aren't normally like this, as far as I know, and I think it boils down to her having a security issue. For whatever reason, she might feel terrified of losing you, but ironically it's this fear itself which might end up being the exact cause of you two breaking up. My first partner was very much like her, talking about marriage and kids after only a month. I thought it was innocent-enough at first, and so I said 'yes' I'll marry you some day. However, she then began asking me it everyday and if I failed to answer quickly, then she'd become upset and would walk away in a huff. What a *bleep*... ...

Anyway, something will have to 'give' shortly, or else this whole thing will result in a big argument i suspect. The way everything is going right now must end. Whether she likes it or not, she cannot keep talking about marriage if it is just going to make you angry.

Kevin

she sounds quite manipulative/controlling. like someone who has been spoiled (not rare for a father who is divorced to spoil their child who lives with the mother, its happened to me to some extent).

by you coming here, you are already having doubts. you are right to have doubts, I don't like being direct under these circumstances - but I think if you make commitment here then it could lead to a very frustrating future.

can you imagine being with her for the rest of your life? yes.. i mean THE REST OF YOUR LIFE - I don't know how old you are, but unless you are hagged and old then you should think about what you can expect on a day to day basis in 10-15-20 years.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision, maybe it does not mean breaking up but maybe slowing things down with her. Get to know her more. I've had long distance relationships, a few in fact.. 2 months is too little time to decide serious things given the circumstances.

Chucky, Im definently seeing a lot of what your saying there.

xleod,

You hit it on the spot talking about her being spoiled. Her mom just recently divorced about a year ago and the dad would buy them anything they wanted. Now theyre barely making their rent, have no food, and cant buy anything. I think its normal for girls to have lots of clothes... but Ive seen her room and its mountains of clothes and shoes. She says she has enough clothes that she could go a whole year without wearing the same thing. Anyway...

The thing thats really eating my brain right now is she will be here in 2 weeks, things will be good for at least a year. But. Shes going to university right here about 10 mins away, then transferring the next year to a school about 1.5 hours away. If things stay good Im just not sure Im strong enough to do that sure I get to see her on weekends, holidays, spring break and summer etc. but just dont know I can handle that. Of course there might be weekends she will probably just want to be with friends or something and dust me.

I am not needy, clingy or anything like that but I do care a lot. I want her to go out have fun see her friends and everything. I dont mind if she hangs out with guys long as she doesnt get too close. She seems like shes very respectful of what I want. The problem is I dont really want to drive all that way back n forth just to see someone like that. And then to have to have a wait the whole week... yea not what I want.

A lot could change in a year, maybe she wont want to goto that school and decide she just wants to stay at current school and do something else. I dont want to get in the way of any of her dreams though, I would like to be a part of her dreams and life but not get in the way. I dont want to be responsible for her not doing the things she dreamed to do.

I like her lot, more than anyone else I have been with dont know how to explain it really. Ive just never been able to talk to someone like that before, and its just always fun when were together. The part that pains me the most is I think the right thing to do is ditch her because it probably will get worse. I dont know what to do about it really. If this does not work out it will surely reaffirm my belief that I probably will be alone for a long time. Just bouncing back and forth between girls because finding someone else I can talk to like that will likely not happen again.

You do'nt have to break-up necessarily, Chase, but could instead do with taking a few steps back and not giving as much efffort into the relationship as you had been. You seem entirely pessimisti about the future, but I still do'nt believe this warrants a break-up just yet. If you could even just focus on her as being a great friend more than anything else, then you might ironically do better in a relationshop sense. Also - and I know you said you can't do this - please try to talk about what's on your mind to her. You're worried about what will happen in a year or so, and so talk about this with her. You don't have to be the greatest poet/lecturer in the world to just talk about what's on your mind.

kevin

I get a big "red flag" when I hear about anyone who talks about marriage to someone else after only seeing them for a couple of months.

It's a bit nuts to think we might be compatible or know someone enough to commit to a marriage after only months of dating which can include a lot of infatuation and hormones.

Getting married to someone we're not compatible with or really like is a huge mistake in my mind.

Let me give you an example: I dated a woman for about six months before I found out more about her true self. She kept parts of herself hidden which later bothered me. I believe in egalitarianism but she was a social climber. One day we were grocery shopping and ran into someone we were both acquainted with. After we parted ways to go to the dairy section and he to the baked goods, I teased my girlfriend saying, "I think you might have a little crush on Bob. It's OK, you can have a crush on him."

She replied, "He's just a postie [postal worker]" with her little nose in the air.

I was disappointed to learn that she judged people based on socio-economic value scales. Would I want to be married to someone with such different values than me? No, not really.

Basically, she wanted to live an upper-middle class life with all the entrapments of the white picket fence large house, professional boring careers, etc, etc. I'm a bohemian! I love my low-maintenance lifestyle and it doesn't take much to make me happy. And, I hate a lot of the yuppy restaurants she wanted to go to.

Sure there was a lot there we found in common and enjoyed together but it wasn't enough.

If I jumped in to a more serious commitment with her, it would've been a bloody disaster. I'm glad I had the patience and knowledge to WAIT and SEE! Jeez, it takes a couple of years to get to know someone fairly well. Then more years to get a true lasting bond formed (in my mind, anyway).

Marriage is a huge industry. It sucks in millions of people into believing they're really "in love." So many people marry without even really knowing the other person. Then, they're saddled with expensive and emotionally draining divorces especially if there are kids involved. Yuck.

I think the same should apply to dating. I've watched a lot of friends jump in and out of relationships, short term love liasons, that really don't pan out because they don't spend the time to be patient and get to know someone before sleeping with them. Then, they go through all kinds of heartbreak and turbulence post-breakup. They do this over and over again, many of them.

It's seen as old-fashioned or prudish to take our time getting to know someone before committing to being lovers. However, I see the wisdom in it.

I know this thread is old... but Im here to give an update. Of course Im only here because theres a problem.

Lets see I dont even know where to start. We actually ended up staying in her state but about 1.5hours from where she was. Shes had a tough time making friends.. she says she does not fit in and they dress so much differently. Shes very outgoing, funny and says the people here are not very fun, they just want to do school work. She says they dress boring while she dresses flashy. She says shes so much different than the people at school that shes stared at. She does not want to dress like them at all. Someone told her she needs to dress more appropriately and stop playing around.

Shes also having a hard time finding a job, shes applied to so many different places and no calls. I know shes bummed about that. Shes applying to places at the mall that want more experience. I tell her since she has hardly any work experience she should try working at a grocery store or fast food but she doesnt want to.

A mistake I made was spoiling her too much on the shopping and eating out. I set the bar way too high.. it was dumb but you know since I havent seen her so long during those months I wanted to make her feel special. Then I realized what I had done and I gradually started to ease off a bit. She noticed and complained which is typical but the eating out wasnt too big of a deal because I showed her eating in can be just as good and cheaper.

Now comes November and I have no idea whats going on. Prior to November she would burn my phone up everyday texting whether she was at school, with her mom or where ever. She barely texts me now and when I text her I feel like Im bothering her or something, like pulling teeth so I just leave her alone after couple texts. We live together and shes hardly talking to me. Ive asked her whats up and all I get is she misses her friends or shes sleepy or not feeling good. Its just way off and its getting really irritating. She made 1 or 2 friends while with her mom but theyre about 30mins away. She texts them all the time now and right in front of me it really bothers me. I mean a little bit is ok but all the time... but when she wants something from me she bounces back to her old self. I know she misses her friends and her old town... this is gotten to be a big issue since I hear it everyday.

Yesterday she left with her mom for thanksgiving and I only heard from her a couple times. I texted her that Im tired of this and that im guessing by youre silence were over. Her mom texts me and asked what was up with her and if we having a fight... I told her I dont know shes not talking to me. I dont know maybe I should have just waited it out... but Im seriously tired of it. Im pretty sure shes got something to do with one of those guys that lives 30 mins away. Im thinking shes got a lot of nice stuff now and wants to go have some fun elsewhere. Those guys still live at home with parents, not in school and theyre just not going anywhere in life.

It looks like a lot of things that were said earlier panned out to be true.

Ok another update.

We started talking early last week and we are good somewhat. I still feel like something is off. I feel like shes not telling me everything and that shes hiding something. Shes hardly touching me not like it used to be. We do kiss and she says she loves me, misses me but I dont know if she really means it. Ive tried to tell her how I feel about everything but she will hit back that Im ignoring her, Im too busy working etc, or shes not feeling good. Is it wrong to say that when she texts guys so much that it bothers me? As much as it pains me to say I keep thinking of reasons why I should leave her. A few times Ive gotten so close to wanting to just walk out on her and then all the sudden its like she knows that Im mad and will bounce me back. Im getting so frustrated. In fact Im not with her now, Im taking a break for myself... I told her I had to leave for work for a few days and I would let her know when Im coming back. Shes been texting me quite a bit asking repeatedly when Im coming back. She is extremely needy.

I dont know why I do this but whenever something 'bad' happens with someone Ifeel like I dont want nothing to do with them anymore... I guess its like resentment. Ive made some huge changes in my life to be with her and I feel like it would be so much easier if I could go back to what I had before. I feel like she sees me more like a father figure. I buy her food, clothes, makeup, jewelry and pretty much everything she doesnt need. I support her and I love her alot. I have a very hard time saying No. Im just too nice of a guy which isnt necessarily a bad thing.

I also cant help but think why shes even into me. Why not go with the other guys? Im not a supermodel or anything. Shes very pretty, funny, loud, outgoing fun and playful and I love that about her. Shes very popular... got a ton of friends... not many here at least right yet. I have friends just not many.. only close friends, Im just really quiet.

Im not sure what else to do any tips?

Hey again,


What happened here... Where did it all go wrong? I re-read your posts and one thing stood-out: You set the bar 'too high' initially. Plus, all of those texts that were sent created a problem, in that it set the relationship out of control. Things like that need to be managed... I mean, back then, you obviously had worries that you were spending too much money, but when a worry comes it has to be 'voiced'. In a successful relationship, honesty is important, or else cracks appear and grow.

I don't know how to rescue your relationship. It will be difficult, but are you 'up for it'? You hinted that you pull-out of things when they go wrong, but you cannot forever do this. You're faced with a big problem now, but are you prepared to fight this time? If things don't work, you will have to promise yourself that you'll learn from the entire situation. In life, I feel that the majority have to go through numerous relationships in order to learn the 'tricks of the trade'.

Take care,
Kevin

Hey Chucky I really appreciate your responses. Sorry for most of my posts being so long.

Firstly we got back together this week again things seem pretty good. She has always texted a lot its just I was usually busy at the time and didnt think about it or let it bother me. Now that things slowed down for me this past month I had just noticed it. So Im just going to ignore it like I had before. I think a big thing is I need to keep doing what I did in the beginning of the relationship.

Secondly we have fun and talk and everything. She says she misses me and loves me when Im away and that she doesnt like me being so far away. When were together she says she loves me, we kiss a lot and touch each other. She has told me a few times that she is worried about me and that shes sometimes stresses about me. The problem is its not the same as it used to be the intimacy seems gone. Were currently not having sex for the past month or so we use to do it several times a week.

I care for her very much Ive asked whats up and she would hit back that shes busy, not feeling good, or tired. Okay she has been stressed lately alot of big changes have happened during these months. But theres just so many possibilities physically and emotionally. Shes sent me a bunch of sexy pics in texts this past week which is giving me the idea shes trying to lure me back.. like shes trying to be intimate again?

Im just getting this idea that maybe shes done with me but cant completely let me go and breakup. I feel like she needs me around but very possible isnt into me anymore.. maybe Im getting ahead of myself. I dont want to give up on her just yet. I never expect things to go over easy but it feels like theres a ton of work to be done. How do I know if shes really in this with me? How would you lower the bar? I want back the girl I fell in love with a few months ago.

Any suggestions?