high school flame

about a year ago I met an ex back from high school, we dated briefly about 10 years ago. She had been seeing a cop since we broke up and they lived together. we sat around on breaks and chatted and caught up and I was surprised how much she's learned and her take on a lot of world matters and enjoyed talking to her. Not long after I left they broke up, I don't know the circumstances and never really asked but we started hanging out after seeing each other on the bus.

I asked her then if there was a chance for us and she was awekward and said that our time had passed but that we'd see if there was anything as time went on. I left it alone for a long time. We've done alot of activities together, like skating which I'm terrible at so she guides me along holding my hand or arm-in-arm. So while she was in a more favorable mood I asked her again and she said 'i don't know.' very vague. But there was no awekardness at all, and she seemed completley comfortable talking about it this time.

So I took a friends advice a few weeks later from this and just took a step back. I decieded to spent time at the library doing my writing and working out at the gym which I hadn't in ages to get back more in touch with myself and said I still had feelings and maybe i should immerse myself into those things for a while. I miss her though, but my friends seem to think I did the right thing.

I havn't talked to her in about two weeks and wonder if I should wait for her to get in touch or just keep doing my thing for a while and wait to it feels more natural to get in touch.

At this point, she knows what you want. She doesn't know what she wants according to your last conversation.

So, at this point, I'd say something like:

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable by putting you on the spot last time we spoke, however, I'd like to hang out sometime soon, no strings attached. I found our conversations really interesting."

I think there are two key elements to this:
1) You say "no strings attached" which means although you may be interested in being her lover, you're OK with just hanging out in a platonic way.
2) You say you "found our conversations interesting" which gives the whole focus of your contacting her simply for good conversation (of course, if she wants more, in the future, great, but if not, no big deal, they're plenty of fish in the sea, my friend).

Then, if she hums and haws or gives you the cold shoulder, then I'd reply with: "Well, I'm around if you ever want to hang out, just give me a call."

This way, you're making yourself available, you're not being needy, and you're making her know that you'll move on and find someone else to spend time with if she's not keen on it. I hope you do move on if she's not really interested. Otherwise, unrequited love is a bummer, man, a real drain and a waste of time. Of course, it's fine for you to stay friends and that can be great and, who knows, maybe she's got a girlfriend who she can introduce you to.

I think you're doing the right thing by paying attention to yourself and doing things that make you feel good. Probably wise to continue them; those are the things that make us attractive to others, when we're true to ourselves and feeling proud of ourselves.

One of the smartest things anyone said to me was: If you want a relationship work on yourself. And that can mean doing things you don't want to do or are weak areas for you. Say, for instance, you are starting a small business. You hate the paperwork, you're not used to it, and it takes a long time so you've been ignoring it, for the most part. Well, if you take a course on bookkeeping (even though it's like pulling teeth), learn spreadsheets, cash flow projections, work on your weak areas then that is attractive to others; when we have the ability to become well-rounded and boost our weaknesses. Then, our strengths can really come to fruition.

I mean, it's one thing to be really excellent at something, whatever (tile setter, antique furniture restorer, dog trainer, I don't know) but if you can't do the things that support that endeavour it's not good. I think the same thing is true for the rest of our lives. I could have a job I don't mind, and that's OK, but I really want to do something else like (whatever, learning to hang glide, built model ships or play an instrument) but I don't do the things to support it, like making efforts to learn new things, then I'm not working with myself to discover, work, or play in new areas which means I'm a bit stagnant.

What I'm getting at is to have a good relationship, I think we need to be really self-supporting first, in many ways. Emotionally, financially, intellectually, etc.

I think this approach also means that we don't get hung up over one person thinking they're the only one for us. They might be special and maybe a good match, but there always can be another. That's hard to say when we're in love or think about someone a lot but it's true.

All the best, Jerril

If you want a relationship work on yourself.

This is a brilliant quote. Hope you don't mind, but I'll borrow this one.

To be honest, if she says "I don't know"....it means you are NOT 'the one' for her. If you were - she'd KNOW IT!
AND...even if she does want you, the fact she can't or won't acknowledge it, suggests that she isn't being honest with herself. If she isn't prepared to be honest with herself...then she'll NEVER be honest with you. It's a lose, lose situation all round.

You've done enough now...it's her turn. If she wants you, then it's up to her to come to you.

Don't do what I did for a long time and chase. It takes two to tango...not one. Besides, if you were really worth something to her, she would take the necessary risks: if she doesn't...then she doesn't actually want you to the degree necessary for longevity. If you keep chasing her, trust me...you'll be doing the tango ALL ON YOUR OWN, if not straight away...then later (and I mean 5, 10 or more years later).

All the best.