Is it over, or am I just depressed?

Struggling here, really struggling. By some distance, this have been the most agonising period of my 47 year-old life, riddled with grief, confusion, frustration, loneliness and despair. Days have become things to get through; nights can last forever. At worst, I go to bed hoping never to wake up; at best I can see threads of light that suggest things won’t always be so unbearable. I am desperate for some more illumination.

My wife (A) and I are seeing a relationship therapist, one who specialises in sexual difficulties in couples. Both A and I really like her, and I in particular have been mightily impressed with what she's had to say about us - and me.

I say "me" because I am struggling with depression. The therapist has surmised that this probably stems from the fact that, as the eldest of three children, I had to grow up in a hurry and took on responsibility from a very early age. I lost out on an important part of my childhood. It's her belief that I have carried a degree of depression with me ever since adolescence (A believes I have been more or less depressed ever since she's known me). Recently, though, it's flared up into a major depressive episode, and one that has led me to think of abandoning our 15-year marriage. I seem to have lost almost all my feelings of affection for A. There is a huge disconnect in my brain just now, as if a switch has been turned off. Lately I have come home from work, removed my coat, walked up the stairs and cried like a child. It's an emptiness I have never felt before, in all my life. At various times, A has accused me of lacking in kindness and tenderness, of ignoring her, and of barely tolerating her. She has made efforts to kiss me and I have pulled away, sometimes in tears. I don't understand why this is happening, and at this point I don't believe it will go away. It is excruciating.

I believe the root cause of this problem is sexual incompatability. We have not had intercourse in years. I am not interested in A and and don't find her or her approach to sex at all enticing. Perhaps as a result of this - or is it because of my depression? - I have become impotent. The therapist pointed out it’s very difficult for two people with low self-esteem (and good grief that's us) to sustain a healthy relationship. She'll try to help us address this, of course. But I don’t know whether she can make me desire A again. I’m also worried that we could spend many months trying to come to terms with this and end up making things worse. A is convinced I have already decided on ending the relationship and am just going through the motions with the therapy. Perhaps I am - I don't even know for myself. But I'd like to believe I still care.

Sex is a topic I have always found difficult to discuss with A (indeed, I think talking about sex has always been difficult for us) and I’m not sure the therapy will make it any easier. But I am beginning to realise that I am desirable and entitled to a fulfilling sex life, with someone who is comfortable in providing it. And the feeling I am left with – 15 years too late, perhaps – is that this person is not A.

At the same time, though, I am not sure whether this depressive episode is being caused by the lack of sexual fulfilment, or whether sex has not been fulfilling because I have been depressed. The therapist isn't sure, either. But I'm not sure I can bear another year of this. I have also started to worry about how this continued lack of interest toward A might be affecting her – and how my lack of desire could be eating away at her own sense of self-worth. Whatever happens, I think it’s important that she carries on confident as she can be in who she is and what she has to offer. I don’t want her to feel she is worthless as a person.

I have written A a letter but am in two minds as to whether to send it to her. Would it be appropriate to post it here?

I don't understand why this is happening, and at this point I don't believe it will go away.

When in the midst of depression, one cannot see a way out of it, even though that is unlikely that there is not way out.

Does your therapist know you are not interested in your wife? Do you find her physically attractive at all?

Feel free to post the letter if you think that will help.

Thanks for this. My therapist does know that I'm not interested in my wife. I do not find her physically attractive. Whether this has anything to do with the fact that she is ten years older than I am - and is now about the same age my mother was when she died - I have no idea.

I won't post the letter just yet as I had second thoughts about sending it. But thanks for your interest.

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Never trust your feelings towards anyone while you are extremely depressed, I'd say. I always found when I came out of it, I felt entirely different. So I'd suggest not breaking up with your wife until you are much more mildly depressed, as you'll find it's a mistake, I believe.

Best wishes with it all, keep going with the counselling - I hope it helps, it did help me. Maybe you could try individual counselling as well, it might helps more than just couples counselling.

Cruisy

Not Jaco,

I don't see why it is necessary to give a letter like this to "A."

It's good sometimes to write things down so we can distance ourselves from some muddled thoughts and feelings but I don't know what you're accomplishing by informing "A" about all of your feelings towards her.

If I were you, I'd keep the letter in a safe place and don't give it to her.

And, like Cruisy said, if you're depressed, then you really can't figure out too much about your feelings. However, if you're depressed because you're repressing some sadness and/or anger then you need to express it, get it out and move forward in a happier way.

If you're depressed because your nuerons in your brain aren't firing properly because of a lack of seratonin, then you need to drink more water, take essential fatty acids, vitamins and get some exercise until you stabilize your brain chemistry, ok?

Then, if you clear some of your emotions, you'll be in a better place to sort things out.

Thanks for this. I am wondering, though, whether the difficulties in this relationship haven't brought about my depression. The therapist says I am going through a major depressive episode, and it may get worse before it gets better.