HELP im too jealous!

Hi.
When i read your post, i could relate so much to it. Im in a similar situation. Im with a guy at the moment. I have been with him for 18 months and we have a place together. Over the last 6 months, i have found myself to be jealous and paranoid. I never used to be like this. Everytime he mentions other girls i.e. who he works with, i get this feeling burning up inside and im jealous but have no reason to be. He has just started a new job as a fitness trainer. I feel that he has started a new life, meeting new people and slowly i have become insecure. Ive realised that over the last year i have not really make a effort in going out with my own friends and doing my own thing. I know that my own jealously comes from me being insecure and him not showing me enough attention. He does not however look at porn etc like your bloke. I dont think i would like that at all. I have very recently moved back to my mums as we both need our own space and its the only thing that will save our relationship. I need to make a life of my own and not depend on him. I have started to take part in classes at a gym and going out more with my friends. I figure, if i make a life of my own then i will become more confident and happy again. When i do see my man, it will be quality time together and something to look forward to. He will see me as a more bubbily and happy person instead of someone who is not happy and nagging. Its funny how quickly you can get used to someone and end up taking so much for granted.
Its hard to give you advice on the porn stuff and the things your bloke does cos i have not been through that. I know i would hate it though. Sometimes, i guess one is jealous because it comes from some insecurities within. This may not apply to you, im just going from what i find. If you spend a lot of time with your bloke then maybe spend less time with him and do more things of your own. I know you have said that you have spoken to him about how you feel about the porn and stuff but he still carries on ignoring your feelings. I do think this is a little inconsiderate and he is not thinking of your feelings. Maybe talking to him again about it and coming to some agreement like when he is around you not to mention the things he does or put it away. Do you think that if he carries on ignoring you about the way you feel about things, could you just continue the relationship and be happy? I probably have not been much of a help and im sorry if this is the case. I decided to reply because a lot of what you said, i felt exactly the same or was going through the same things as you.

Hi. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I was like you too, I got cheated on a number of times, even from the very beginning of dating. None of the reactions to that came out until my last boyfriend, something about him triggered all my past feelings which hadnt been expressed/explored. I became pyscotic with jealousy, if his head even turned towards any female I completely lost it. I got to the point where I began staying in coz couldnt stand going to clubs or anywhere social where there are plenty of girls, I couldnt handle watching television/Dvd's even, particularly the likes of Big Brother uncut and so on. I believe that this particular boyfriend must have reminded me of my father (who was a slimy, charmer type too) and the other guys who had mistreated me so out it all came! The problem is, since then it has come up again in my current relationship. Once I started to fall for this person the insecurities got massive, particularly once I learnt that he habitually used porn to masturbate. I told him that within a relationship I dont believe that is acceptable, at least not to me anyway. He agreed and said he wouldnt do it!! Yea right. We've been together nearly a year and about 3 months ago I was using his computer and got tempted to go looking, sure enough I found traces of porn on his hardrive (he thought he'd deleted it!!!) to the point where he even denied it black and blue until I physically showed him! So now there is serious trust issues too. It is a hard one, I am always unsure about whether it is possible to find a guy who doesnt use porn or love looking at other women, flirting etc. I have had a couple of people say to me that even if there is only 20% of the male population who dont use porn and are more respectful of their women, then hold out for them, dont settle for the other 80%, if that is not ok with your inner self. I have stayed in this relationship because I havent been sure enough of my 'self' and being true to myself (lacking self esteem). My boyfriend agreed to try and stop the porn thing if I could do something that would even the score (so he didnt feel like the only one being restricted or having expectations put on him), we agreed I'd cook dinner for him regularly (tho I'm no cook believe me!!!), he says it has been working and he has staved off temptation, but due to being lied to already, I dont believe him! I admit he really does try to accommodate me and what I can and cant handle but it has been at our relationships detriment too. We used to go ballroom dancing together (thats where we met) but due to me having major hissy fits at him ogling pretty girls dancing sexily or whatever, he no longer comes along, says cant enjoy himself anymore and due to that we have lost the one thing that we really did have in common. Forgive the rambling, I have far much too say on this issue, but bottom line I reckon is... you have to be true to yourself, what does your heart say? Not your head (it just confuses the real issue). Building your self-esteem is important because then you can express what you need for you in a healthy way. I understand the frustration coz you never used to be like this, me too!! Obviously the past history of being cheated on/disrespected has come out in you now. I'd get help with it if i was you coz it is so unhealthy and destructive. I'm seeing a counsellor to try and understand what happened in the past that is causing my reactions today. I also believe that there are some people that we are more suited to and the better we know ourselves, the better the choice we make and therefore what we accept. Forgive if this just sounds like physco-babble but its so true. I wish you the best of luck coz I know how horrible jealousy feels, you just want to be normal again. I also think just as part of society, we females do rely on our man too much and make him our whole life, letting what they do/say affect our own experiences/happiness etc. I agree with the post from 'rac' we have to have our own stuff too. So we can rely on ourselves regardless of whats going on within the relationship. If your boyfriend is compassionate and understanding about your feelings and really works hard at accommodating you and being more considerate then maybe you will feel a little more secure. If he shows the effort then you know he really cares for you and about how you feel. You didnt say how old you were?? The younger the guy, or the less life experience he has had, he may not have learnt how to do those things. You'll know in your heart if he's worth it, but getting yourself right is number 1. I've spent too many years on relationships that werent right for me. I'm going on 32 and my priority now is to get right within myself so I can make the right choices now! Its a tricky journey, but worth it! All the best!

Ladies,

Because we do live in a society that touts sex on billboards, magazine covers, the internet, and t.v. commercials, we are bombarded with the sensual. This isn't going to change, at least not soon, and not speedily. But it need not change, as you will see.

All of the sexual images we find in our media are geared toward stimulating our carnal and material cravings, assumptions, and beliefs. Sex is being used as a tool to coerce, influence, bribe, promote, and connect.

Most of us (certainly not all) come to a point at some time in our adult lives where we want the sexual intimacy like we see in the media, but we want it to come WITH exclusivity, commitment, emotional and financial security.

It sounds like you ladies are wanting this, because your talk about jealousy includes mention of wanting loyalty from your mate, wanting to feel secure in the knowledge that "His woman is ME, and nobody else. I don't have anything to worry about, and neither does he. We satisfy EACH OTHER'S needs, and there's no reason either of us would go outside the relationship."

And, in a healthy, mature relationship this is the case. Two people make the commitment, are open and honest about their insecurities and their behavioral expectations of their partners in terms of assuaging those insecurities, and are mature enough to follow through consistently, thereby reinforcing the relationship.

What do you need to have this? You need maturity on the part of both individuals. It's not enough if just one is mature, both have to be. You need honesty Have you caught him lying? Often? Does he admit it? And it needs to be a relationship in which he is getting all of his sexual needs met by you, and you by him.

Now, as for pornography, there are those whose view on the topic is an extreme, either for or against. What I would say is that men are very visually oriented. Most authorities on the subject will tell you that just because a man views an erotic internet video clip does not mean he is unsatisfied with you, nor necessarily that he is thinking about cheating on you. You may or may not also be surprised to learn that many men continue to masturbate privately, even when they are in a fulfilling and monogamous sexual relationship, and that it's normal.

Also, many couples watch pornographic video together as an aphrodisiac. In fact, the largest market in recent years for vendors of X-rated films is young to middle aged couples. Used for this purpose, if both are comfortable with it, it's not a bad thing, but each should be very sensitive to the other's feelings and internal dialogue before beginning this activity together.

The fact that your man "looks" at other women while you are out together doesn't mean that he doesn't find you attractive, or even "as" attractive. It is, however, rude of him, and not very considerate of your feelings. And you will probably find that if you engage in similar behavior very blatantly in his presence, he will voice his irritation.

How to combat jealousy, then? Be in a relationship with someone whose value system is such that he is less likely to cheat. Be with someone moderately to highly intelligent. Don't choose someone who is impulsive to be your mate. And choose someone with a strong sense of loyalty. I think probably maturity is the biggest factor. How many times have we heard someone in midlife tell us, "Yeah, I sowed my wild oats, but I finally realized what is really important in life, and now I'm in a committed relationship and we both work hard to make it successful."

In short, the particular person you choose to "be" with has a lot to do with how much jealousy you feel. Choose a very mature individual (emotionally and intellectually), and you'll save yourselves a lot of grief. Choose someone with values that are of a conservative enough bent that you feel secure about their predilections.

In the final analysis, though, jealousy is built-in to the human beast. It's adaptive. Jealousy historically, and even still today -- when not taken to an extreme -- helps keep relationships together, which in prehistoric times promoted your very survival.