Looking for advice on my dysfunctional family!

Hi first of all I would appreciate if you were kind because I do realize I should just move out of my home but at this point it's not an option. So, if you could offer your understanding I would very much appreciate that.

Anyway about a year ago I came to this huge realization after a break up with an ex boyfriend and I became fully aware of myself and my family situation, so I did a lot changing. I was always without myself so to speak and I was a needy person looking for self fulfillment. I really commend anyone that can change their thoughts because it's not always easy but underneath my old negative self their was a very positive/loving person, so I was able to change all my inner dialogue to a positive one and love myself. I realized that I had many great qualities about me and that I am rather unique. I just think I inherited the emotional state of my mother. It truly wasn't a long journey at all and I honestly did it over a period of two months,(I'm truly someone who seeks self improvement) which I am extremely grateful for. However, after this change I realized how different I was to my family and how many problems actually exist. I feel like an outsider and I have actually asked my mom to go see a psychologist with me at one point but she refused. I feel like all the issues that exist are never going to change because there is absolutely no communication what so ever. The issues are these and as much as I forgive on a daily basis, some of the problems still play in my mind.

My parents both grew up in dysfunctional families and I would say they both don't have great judgment, even given the circumstances they were brought up in. No one in my family has a back bone and I think they are all truly enablers, which bothers me because my one brother married a manipulating/controlling wife. She has done nothing but caused more havok in my family and she's one of those people that makes problems up, so she can gain attention. When her and my brother started dating she accused my brother of hitting her just to get attention but he still married her. She also use to say stuff like I was obsessed with my brother and that it wasn't right we were so close. I use to go to my brothers bands concerts and she use to be there sometimes and she use to tell my brother after the show that I gave her dirty looks and so forth when I did nothing of the sort. I have never been able to hang out with my brother for more then half an hour because she's always calling him 20 times on the phone to see where he is, what he's doing etc etc. She even made stuff up about my other brothers wife and screwed them over. However, my family has done nothing but acomodate her and her insecure/jealous ways. My brother has never taken a stand and has always sided with her and I feel betrayed by my brother that he could treat me like that. So that's one problem there. My mom is pretty messed up too and I don't think I even know my mom as she has many faces to who she is. Sometimes I see this sweet giving lady and then other times I experience this hateful insecure/jealous women who seems she is trying to punish me and get revenge. I get along with my other brothers wife just fine and I have discussed my other brothers wife with her at times just because I don't how to handle the situation because she experienced her manipulating ways too. So, my mom I think has some resentment towards me that I can get along with the one wife and not the other. My mom actually acts like my one sister in law is her daughter. She always sides with her even after everything she has done to me and my family, which I think is pathetic. I have never done my mother wrong and I'm always looking out for my family's best interest but it seems I am the bad person for standing up for what I believe is important. My mom always listens to my sister in law and thinks I'm a liar, which disgusts me. I had to start my life over after I changed myself around because I realized I deserved better and now I have more positive, uplifting and supportive friends where as before I was in co-dependent relationships with friends because I think that's a trait I learned from being in my family. So, at one point my mom said to me at least "so and so" has friends. Also whenever I confide in my mom it always seems like she's going to come back and throw it in my face. I have tried to communicate with my mother about this but she has so many defense mechanism, she lies and she's in denial. She uses anger towards me and she reacts in irrational ways. She never wants to deal with anything and she just smooths it over and pretends its all good. My dad plays absolutely no role and I for one have never had a relationship with him. I can not communicate with him because his views are completely not rational. He thinks everything is negative and nothing is good, so I don't talk to him anymore because everything is bad in his eyes plus he can't talk about anything real anyway. Mental illness runs in his side of the family and I have often thought that he is dillusional because he does strange things sometimes but people just accept it as him.

Anyway, I know what the main issues I'm dealing with are but how can I get over them if no one communicates? I wish it would get better but it seems I'm the only one who strives for change. I honestly have felt at times that I don't even have a family because I'm viewed as the bad person who sticks up for her family but that's considered wrong because my family doesn't even support me in my choices. Heck I don't have support either way. I'm 24 by the way.

Is my only option to move out and just stay away from them or what? I feel sick when I think of their behavior and it brings me down emotionally.

I would appreciate your opinions and insight. Thanks.

Hi,

Everything you've written here has been negative, but Im' sure that there are positives about your family too, right? I know that's not why you came here, but trying to find some positives might be worthwhile. For example, your parents support you with money issues, for exdample, and they pay for your food and accomodation, effectively. Anyway, I was in your situation before summer this year and I moved out. However, I had been in that position for a few yeasrs before I moved out, and I eventually just had to accept my family for the way they are; and this is what you must do too. Trying (or even merely wishing/longing) for them to change is killing you inside, and so trying to just accept things the way they are might be easier for you. Regard the house as not yours anymore - it's just a temporary place for you to stay, but you should stay there until you are certain that you can leave and live on your own comfortably.

So, I don't think that you should leave now, as it would be in very bad circumstances. Family life is important, even if the said family are a bunch of idiots. You're the intelligent one here, so use that intelligence to learn to get along with thrm. What they do doesn't have to be fair, moral, etc, but you will just have to accept it. If you can do that, then you will actually b happier. They certainly aren't going to change because it's their home... ...Why would anyone want to change the way they behave in their own home? This is especially true for your parents.

Kevin

Thanks Kevin. Oh there are certainly positive aspects sure and I have recognized those aspects but I just feel hurt sometimes. My family is emotionally disconnected that's all and they don't see you as a person, it's more less what you do then who you are. They just carry that empty feeling and I think if it weren't for me teaching my mom how to better her judgmental behavior she wouldn't be where she is now. Sometimes I will just do my own thing and then my mom will complain about it...so, it's messed. I also usually do accept them as is and I've gone out of my way to show my love...just lately it's really bothering me. I don't think I really care anymore to be honest...it's just gotten to that point but I guess that's not really true or else I wouldn't be writing this.

The one thing that I tell myself is that I was born here for a reason and if I wasn't brought up in this family I certainly wouldn't be who I am today that's for sure. So, even with all the khoas their it totally an upside to the wisdom I've gained, I know.

Hi,

There's a huge contrast between your first post and this one just now (this one being much more positive, but more understanding too). You've reached a good point though: the 'non-caring' point. You can use this to get along with them, ironically enough. Like, the fact that you no longer care about the situation should mean that you can expose yourself to it freely without becoming too upset. I know that it's hard - yes - and that the way they behave isn't moral as far as you're concerned, but we'll just have to sit tight and wait for that day when moving out is right.

Kevin

Well, to be honest I was focusing on the problems, so I wasn't about to sound all optimistic. I do understand and I am a compassionate person but I guess in a way I feel as though I deserve more then what I'm getting but I realize that this is life nobody said it was easy. I do understand however I'm just conflicted. But trust me I know that acceptance is the only option if others aren't willing to budge. I really know the answers to my own problems but sometimes its just nice to have a little sympathy and reassurance I suppose. I know if I'm fighting the problem I'm only hurting myself, so that's why acceptance is key because then it doesn't bother you. Easier said then done some days.

I think I struggle with not having others understand me and being criticized as well as judged for being indifferent. That's my struggle I think. I'm a deep person by nature and relating to people through that emotional connection is what I look for. Communication is key for me and I guess that sounds rather selfish in some ways but you can't judg until you understand what it feels like.

Anyway thanks.