I hate my girlfriend so much (venting)

yes i have been in love before. It was the worst experience of my life and I still suffer from it.
remember humans are still animals, and men especially can have near insatiable sex drives which they would rather satisfy themselves than use another person for. Many would resort to using their imagination if pornography was unavailable - would that still be pathological? And what if they had sex dreams, would that too be disallowed? Their animalistic need for sex is completely different to your romanticised idea of it which, while possible for some, is unrealistic for many. And while your male friend is one who can connect sexual desire and love, this still does not apply to all men or all women for that matter. For me, love and sex are extremely disconnected and while I would accommodate my partner (by having sex with her) I'd expect her to accommodate my needs by at least letting me have an orgasm when she isn't around. I guess I couldn't respect a woman who doesn't understand that two people do not have to have identical feelings and values to be in a relationship.
Love does oftentimes become a case of comfort, convenience and security, it has remained throughout our evolution to those ends. Many couples have less sex the longer they stay together but does that mean they don't love each other? of course not.

Don't get angry...getting angry means that there is truth in what I've said, otherwise you wouldn't react.
We only get angry at things because there is truth in it.

disagree. we might get angry because of the truth, but we can also get angry because of outright lies (not that what you said is a lie). we get angry for all sorts of random reasons. It was your idealistic view of love that angered me because I have never experienced it.

(and why does Manic keep hurling abuse at you? you can PM me a response to avoid this thread being lead astray)

It was the worst experience of my life and I still suffer from it.

Oh God...you're no different to me. That explains what you said in the other thread about love.
So tell us your story. I'd love to hear it.

Yes, I've heard a number of guys say that love and sex are two totally different things. In fact I was banging on to a friend about it earlier this evening. She is of the same opinion as me...guys who need to look at porn once a day are addicted and it's not normal. Sorry, but that's the opinion of a number of women actually.

You know what I think? You've been very hurt and so you're using sex for therapy. That's understandable. I've tried to do this too, but I have to say...it doesn't work for me: in fact...it just makes me want the guy that I DO want even more. It's so unfair if you ask me.

BTW, I'm not saying that both parties have to have identical feelings at the same time, that's impossible. However, I think that respect is an absolute KEY to happiness. You know, sometimes when I'm working (I'm a teacher)...I'd love to just leave the classroom because I've had enough of the kids, but I don't because it breaks the contract. Marriage is a contract right? The terms of the contract are what you're talking about, and sure...if both parties agree then that's O.K.

I do think very few men are really in touch with their inner beings and emotions. Many are very disconnected from their emotions, which is why I think they are SO focused on sex. Women have no trouble expressing their feelings, where as men can't do that in the same way. Therefore, they let out their expression physically because they're so verbally paralysed. Every guy I've been with is the same. I've yet to meet just ONE man who can actually express his feelings. They usually have to be stoned or drunk before they let it out. Not all, but many, and as I've said..I have NEVER met a guy who can verbalise their feelings. They take out the rubbish and you're supposed to take that as a "I love you".

As for manic...don't worry about it. He started a thread on 'how to score as many women as possible', referring to them as mere objects. Many of the posters didn't like it, but he was O.K with that. I, on the other hand, asked him if his wife has cheated given he said that he in fact cheated on her. A reasonable question, but NO...he doesn't like reflective questions at all. He clearly doesn't like who he is inside and so me asking him questions that reflect his behaviours is too painful. So...he hasn't stopped abusing me since. This is what emotionally dumb people do, but hey...we can't all be smart right?

And I know he'll jump in on this, you watch.

@OP

I'm not going to read all the other posts inbetween but my question is: what's the issue with quit looking at porn?

it seems a reasonable enough request to me..... I mean your getting laid on a daily basis anyways, right? i mean you do live with her...

I can't tell the story. I can only say that in the end it made me hate myself and I never really stopped.

I do think very few men are really in touch with their inner beings and emotions. Many are very disconnected from their emotions, which is why I think they are SO focused on sex. Women have no trouble expressing their feelings, where as men can't do that in the same way. Therefore, they let out their expression physically because they're so verbally paralysed. Every guy I've been with is the same. I've yet to meet just ONE man who can actually express his feelings. They usually have to be stoned or drunk before they let it out. Not all, but many, and as I've said..I have NEVER met a guy who can verbalise their feelings. They take out the rubbish and you're supposed to take that as a "I love you".

i agree I guess. The last time I really expressed my feelings was when I had drunk a good amount of vodka. I can honestly say that it didn't end well; that night was something I'm glad I don't fully remember.
It starts out as being socially unacceptable for men to express deep emotions. And then in some cases men become alienated from their emotions except perhaps anger and hatred which they may try to smother unhealthily. I am having this exact problem at the moment, of not knowing who I am and how I feel. I have to just go with a buddhist belief that we ought not to cling to identity, that we are many manifestations of a whole, we are non-identities. It's important to understand though that men often do not express emotions because they really don't want to. What I think is unfair is that there is an incongruity between what you portray as a female ideal of men and men as they actually are. That being said, the inherent nature of a great many men disgusts me. By all means, seek your ideal man, but do not expect men to conform to that ideal.

Yes, I've heard a number of guys say that love and sex are two totally different things. In fact I was banging on to a friend about it earlier this evening. She is of the same opinion as me...guys who need to look at porn once a day are addicted and it's not normal. Sorry, but that's the opinion of a number of women actually.

I beg to differ. I think it is fairly normal, or at least not worrying among men depending on their age and access to it. In fact many men are unable to function without having regular orgasms (by regular I mean about twice a week). What would they do if they had to stay away from their partner for an extended period of time? It's like saying someone is addicted to food because they eat regularly. I agree NEEDING to have an orgasm once a day might be on the excessive side, but it would rarely impede on other activities. It would be unfair imo to say that there is a limit on how many orgasms it is acceptable to have (provided they do not impede on other activities). So while it is an addiction, I don't think it is abnormal and definitely don't think it should be stigmatised.

BTW, I'm not saying that both parties have to have identical feelings at the same time, that's impossible. However, I think that respect is an absolute KEY to happiness. You know, sometimes when I'm working (I'm a teacher)...I'd love to just leave the classroom because I've had enough of the kids, but I don't because it breaks the contract. Marriage is a contract right? The terms of the contract are what you're talking about, and sure...if both parties agree then that's O.K.

I agree with that. But if you hated your job you would quit right? And if you hate your partner you'd get rid of them. That's what the OP's issue was. And I honestly believe that it is fair that someone should respect the fact that their partner might need to sometimes satisfy their sexual desires without them, perhaps not physically with another person, but mentally. And therefore, I believe the OP has a valid reason to dump his girlfriend. To you, it may seem that he is choosing pornography over his girlfriend, but I would say he is choosing pornography and a future girlfriend that doesn't mind over an insecure girlfriend that does mind.

You know what I think? You've been very hurt and so you're using sex for therapy. That's understandable. I've tried to do this too, but I have to say...it doesn't work for me: in fact...it just makes me want the guy that I DO want even more. It's so unfair if you ask me.

I watched pornography regularly long before I was ever hurt. It's just something that guys do. It has no relation to my feelings about who I am attracted to. I guess its unfortunate that it makes it harder for you.

If Manic keeps giving you trouble you might want to tell an admin. Or I can get one to quickly sort it out for you if they have good reason.

P.S. my replies are getting too long on this thread which isn't even about me so this will be my last post here. hopefully people will see some validity in my views.

I can only say that in the end it made me hate myself and I never really stopped.

Vwalla....I knew this was the case. Sticks out a mile in what you write. I'm sorry to hear this.

Dare I ask why you hate yourself? It's obvious that you feel you are the one who stuffed it up, right?
I sometimes wonder if this is how X feels. He isn't stupid and he is intelligent enough to know that my going to him all the time is so wrong. He knows perfectly well, that it's his turn (loooooooong over due actually) to come to me and show me that I am in fact worthy of having a relationship with. He always does the opposite though. He makes me feel like I'm not worth bothering with. He actually makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, which is why I'm always wondering whether I'm too fat, too old, too stupid, too boring...too EVERYTHING. I know logically this isn't true, but emotionally, this is how he makes me feel.

Men who engage in whores and playboy magazines are doing nothing other than killing their sense of esteem, and sex lives. This WILL impact on your relationships. The fact you don't agree is simply because you're not prepared to go on a sex diet. It's like loosing weight. If you have to loose weight, it's hard but if you don't stop eating, then you only have yourself to blame when you feel like crap when you can't fit into your clothes. Another analogy: you know yourself...that once you've eaten prawns, sardines just don't cut it. And so, the more prawns you eat, the less attractive sardines actually look and taste right? Find one psychologist that would argue differently! ....NOT

I am having this exact problem at the moment, of not knowing who I am and how I feel

So, given this is the case...then it's no wonder you look at porn. You can't possibly connect to a REAL woman with substance because you're unable to connect to your own. Therein, I rest my case. While ever you defend pornography and keep justifying it at the expense of female emotion - you're only being dishonest with yourself because you're fighting your inner demons. You do know how you feel from what you've said...ANGRY and HURT. Sticks out like a siamese nose. It sounds to me like you're battling the idea of doing something about getting rid of the anger and the behaviours that have led to the anger. You know, you can blame yourself til the cows come home, but don't expect to move on until you do SOMETHING about it!
This is what the guy I want is doing, I suspect. He lashes out at me every time to go to see him. He isn't angry at me...my god, I ADORE him, he is the loveliest thing nature ever put breath into. BUT...he clearly doesn't think so. I know he wants me to have a good opinion of him, but he does everything to make me hate him. Why? Because like you...I think he hates himself. Unfortunately, he is addicted to pain and fear: it's his best friend, or one would think so anyway. In reality, I think he hates it and that's why he keeps getting angry at me. He wants 'freedom' from fear and conformity (his favourite word BTW, I think).

He is afraid of everything he does himself: make judgements, live on assumptions, predict catastrophe. Because he does this, he assumes that this is who I am. NOT. Anyway...sorry, back to you.

As for the porn addiction....looks like we will agree to disagree. A couple of questions though....

To what degree did your porn behaviour contribute to the fall of your relationship?
Would you say your porn hobby created certain expectations of your partner? If so, what were they?
How did YOU contribute to the demise of your relationship?
What did you expect from your partner that you didn't get?
What did you expect from her that you, yourself did not deliver?
How often did you communicate your feelings with her?
To what degree did you tailor your behaviour according to assumptions you might have made about her, or the relationship?

I could ask a whole heap of questions, but I won't.

Sorry, I'm a trained coach and finishing off a master's in psych at the moment. Almost finished it. I think that's why I'm addicted to these forums. Love getting input and hearing stories, and actually helping people. BTW...I used to think that LOADS of empathy was a good thing. Like everything else...it's only good in very small doses.

I watched pornography regularly long before I was ever hurt.

Hate to say it, but maybe, JUST MAYBE...this is why the relationship failed. Of course, I wouldn't have a clue, just asking or being devil's advocate. It may well not be apparent, and won't be if you are looking for justification for the porn. At some point in our lives, we need to dig deep and get honest with ourselves if we want to move to higher ground. As Einstein said..."You can't fix a problem with the same mind that created it." ...

Ciao.

I know you said you won't be back, but of course...can't help myself. I'm addicted to blogging.

Not for too much longer though. I have to get on with things that should be more important.

I've got one more thing to add....I studied sexology during my undergraduate degree many moons ago, so for what it's worth...

Just as playboy mags are unhealthy for men, so too are romance novels (Mills and Boon) for women.

Whilst men engage in sex mags, many women engage in romance novels, based on complete #######4 about what a man is supposed to be like. I've never read a romance novel, only a couple of romance articles in mags when I was a teen. Personally, I find them boring, but clearly, their purpose is to have a woman 'get off' on emotion. Men get off on sex, women get off on emotion. That's fact.

Mind you, women are lucky in that they can get off on both sex and emotion, whereas men only seem to get off on sex. Sad really. Having said that...if there's no emotion than it's pretty hard to get off on sex (for females anyway).

I had a friend of 35 years, but ended it a few years ago. She was a victim of romance novels. She is now my age, 49 and has NEVER had a relationship. She's only ever dated with the longest being 9 months, on and off. She has NO IDEA what men are really about. She expects to find someone who is wealthy, good looking, intelligent, emotionally talented, creative, funny, sensitive, kind...the list goes on. I said to her once....yeah, you reckon this exists in one body? Her answer was...YES...he is out there waiting to find me. As Maryanne Williamson says...if you find him, would he really want you?

So, as much as sex mags are detrimental to relationships, so are romance novels. All these things do is set you up for major dissapointment.

Ciao.

The OP's experience sounds exactly like the first 6 months of my relationship (though the violent exes were physically gone they were in our conversation always). It only got worse. i wish i had ran.

I seriously hate my girlfriend. The only reason I am still with her is because we live together. She doesnt know, but I want to dump her so badly when we move out of our current place. I am a passive guy and shy at times. I feel like she took advantage of my fear of not finding someone and my insecurity in order to manipulate me into being into her. She is fairly attractive. But nothing special. Since being with her I have been hit on by plenty of people at the bar or random parties. Also, since being with her the more she gets to know me the more she seriously likes me, ALOT. However, the more I get to know her, the more I ######6 hate her. I was more into her when we first met, but now its completely the opposite. Like I said she is attractive so that was hard to pass up at first, however everyday it becomes more and more irrelevant. She use to be a huge slut. I can not tell you the things she has done in the past because they are so disgusting. Of course these things didnt come out until after we had slept together. Until she met me she admitted that she was too crazy and insane to understand how to respect herself. Whether thats true or not I cant live with her, because she is disgusting. At times she makes me hate her so much that my brain generalizes woman to all be that way and makes me want to be A-sexual or gay. She even has been a groupie for a disgusting artist before, gave him head and all and im suppose to be ok with the fact that she is still obssesed. just settling for me instead of her childish fantasy. ###$ that, im no second choice. i dont care if your attractive, i am way smarter than you, more attractive and I know what im worth and its more than a filthy, lying slut. Hope you have with me until september first, cause after that im out this bitch!

Apparently this topic and one of my other topics are ranked high on Google, and I've been receiving PM's about them off and on now for some time, so I figure it only appropriate to provide an update for this one.

In March of 2010, I left this woman. She begged me on her hands and knees with tears in her eyes to give her a second chance, admitting all of her mistakes (most of the stuff in my OP, along with a VERY big incident where she read a personal journal of mine). She seemed sincere enough, so I agreed to try to rebuild our relationship, albeit from a distance (2 hours away from each other). In September of 2010, I realized it wasn't going to work out, so I broke it off with her for good. Since then I haven't been able to form a meaningful relationship with anyone. I've also made several realizations regarding my time with her, including one I really didn't want to make involving her faithfulness to me. I still don't know how much of my relationship with this woman was true and how much of it was just her lie.

My advice to anyone in a similar situation would be to get out now while you can. It might be taxing on you for a small time, but in the long run it will be for the better.

Also, in reply to that person who said I'm wrong for looking at porn: Please tell me you aren't serious?