Anyone else here relate to this?

Hello,

I just stumbled across this board today and only wish I had found it sooner. Anyway, I seem to have some sort of difficulty getting into relationships. I briefly dated a couple of times in high school but nothing serious and haven't dated/been intimate/done anything at all since then. I think part of the problem is I had a rather extended bout with depression in college that made me sort of antisocial at the time; I got through it somehow, but feel like I missed out on a lot of opportunities to make connections with other people. The weird thing is I'm actually deep down an outgoing person who hates conflict and only wants to do good, but I feel like I've only recently come to realize that.

It doesn't help that everyone else in my family married young, so I hear a lot of "what's he waiting for/what's wrong with him" from relatives. I don't know why I'm thinking about this so much right now - I have much bigger career and financial issues I should be dealing with - maybe I'm just getting tired of feeling like I never have anyone to relate to.

Sorry if I rambled a bit

Hi Photoguy,

How old are you? You’re situation doesn’t sound all that uncommon. I understand what you mean about missing opportunities to connect with people. I feel that way a lot myself. Obviously we can’t change the past, but we can focus on the present. What’s holding you back from making those connections now?

Don’t compare yourself to friends and family who married young. I see no advantage to marrying young. I also don’t perceive it as marker of success or a measure of status. I’m actually more concerned for those who married young than I am for someone like yourself who didn’t rush into settling down. The odds of them going through a divorce are probably a lot higher.

Thanks for the reply. I'm 28, although sometimes I feel like I'm still in my early 20s. I'm trying to build those sort of relationships now, but I've have so much instability in my life lately that I feel is making it harder at a time when, ironically enough, I really need those sort of connections. I keep reminding myself that I shouldn't worry about such things right now, that I should concentrate on myself, on getting my career figured out and the like, but it sometimes feels like I'm missing out.

Hi Photoguy,

I think you are right, in stating that you do need some kind of connection. The connection you need to make though is with yourself.

I spent a great deal of my life yo yoing between illness and recovery and the feeling of unrealised plans- but finally I realised that I have done the best I could for my situation. I worked hard and established a successful career, but everyday something inside me cried out that there is something missing- I made my self available to love, in that I felt attractive and thus people were attracted to me, and had a relationship but ended up pushing it away- because inside me- I had serious issues of trust.

I did not need to make accomplishments outside to make me feel whole inside, but I needed to look inside me, make myself whole and then the world would just open up and accept me. Just the way I am

Take care of you

photoguy wrote:Thanks for the reply. I'm 28, although sometimes I feel like I'm still in my early 20s. I'm trying to build those sort of relationships now, but I've have so much instability in my life lately that I feel is making it harder at a time when, ironically enough, I really need those sort of connections. I keep reminding myself that I shouldn't worry about such things right now, that I should concentrate on myself, on getting my career figured out and the like, but it sometimes feels like I'm missing out.

You don’t need to cut yourself off from the outside world in order to address the instability in your life. In fact, making friends and having relationships might help you. Also, most of us are always going to have some kind of instability in our lives. It might be an issue with work, with money or school. If you keep putting off personal relationships to focus on other problems, it's never going to happen.

Thanks everyone. I have actually tried reaching out, it's just that there aren't that many people to reach out to. My family's kind of distant and hard to contact (my sister is literally impossible to call and it takes her over 2 weeks to answer an e-mail if that gives you an idea). I do have a few friends, but they're more like acquaintances; we might go out for drinks every once in a while but that's about it.

For the time being, I've decided to not even worry about this. I'm not actually sure why I originally brought it up, except that I guess I've been sort of depressed and stressed out lately and wish I had someone to help cushion the blow. I've had so many things happen this year; between my career failings, the house that might drain my savings if it doesn't sell soon, my overall financial situation, and other less tangible concerns, I really don't need another worry in my life. Not to worry though, I'm not cutting people out of my life. I've just decided to stop thinking about why my life doesn't measure up to everyone else I know.

Photoguy, I am having the same issues with money, self esteem and especially always trying to avoid conflict and "Do Good".
That "do good" mindset has been getting me nowhere in relationships and it NEVER results in ME being happy. I have always mistakenly thought that if I can MAKE a partner happy then I would be happy. I'm 43 never been married but have been in several long term relationships but I always seem to drive them and the "in between girls" away with my Mr. Nice Guy, always gotta help out attitude.
It's gotten me nowhere and I'm seeking help. The reason I'm responding is I accidently ran across an amazing article about "Nice Guys" or the "Do Gooders". You have to read it with an open mind and honestly look at yourself after you have read it TWICE. I was sooo shocked at how well it described me and how undesireable it is to women. Being too nice and kissing ass is a serious sign of weakness to women. I'm still having trouble grasping the concept and how to change but I am working on it. The article is here http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml

I would HIGHLY suggest you read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. You may be able to find it as an ebook on the web. It's actually not at all what the title suggests but a very informative look into the root of the "giver/caretaker" personality and it also touches on self esteem and meeting goals. I'm reading it again this weekend since I know I didn't catch everything!

Hello photoguy! You shouldn't delve into all the missed opportunities back in college. You'll just end up feeling bitter about it. I think that you're just the type of person who needs to focus on things one at a time. (Like you said, you have financial issues to face right now.) For what it's worth, being in a relationship at the stage you're in now can probably be a disadvantage. You'll just end up with way too many things on your hands.

GabrielFromAbove wrote:It's gotten me nowhere and I'm seeking help. The reason I'm responding is I accidently ran across an amazing article about "Nice Guys" or the "Do Gooders". You have to read it with an open mind and honestly look at yourself after you have read it TWICE. I was sooo shocked at how well it described me and how undesireable it is to women. Being too nice and kissing ass is a serious sign of weakness to women. I'm still having trouble grasping the concept and how to change but I am working on it. The article is here http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml

Just wanted to add how much I love that article. I remember reading it a few years ago and it spelled out everything I ever thought about the “nice guys” I’ve known in my life. I would add that the article isn’t so much about genuine nice guys, but about self-proclaimed nice guys who don’t realize that desperation and whining are not attractive to anyone; men or women.