Loooong, but please help? long distance gone bad

Hi. I'm Tonya, 22, Uni student.

This is looong. So I guess only read [b]Part 1 if you don't like long reads.[/b] ALSO can I specify that telling me to "move on" is a bit redundant. I'm aware I have to get on with my life, but respect that I'm really looking for hope or at least ideas on salvaging whatever I can. This means a lot to me so I'll appreciate it a lot. So if you read, you're a true angel.

PART 1 [short-ish and sweet err sour]: Basically, guy friend [23] liked me [22] for over two years, I start liking him back after a couple of years, we decided to give a relationship a go but before that can happen he got deported to china and needs a job/money to get back into the UK (lives ten minute from me). Things went well in the relationship for the first few months, we gamed together, talked lots about more intimate stuff and I was even interested in learning mandarin. He seemed more irritable since being there though, increasingly so. Then lots of drama happened, somewhat my insecurity/expectations but also his stubbornness and lack of communication skills as well as his general superiority/hypocrisy traits. I'm not kidding, he is the embodiment of stubborn. He's soft on the outside, hard on the inside, I'm apparently hard on the outside with a soft centre. x_X

Note: This was always long distance, but we talked a LOT and over a long time, as well as on Skype/etc lots. He was always all over me, wanted me to go to visit him there after deportation, talking into early hours of the morning, we really got close [more than friends] since September shortly before he was deported. Guess he got under my skin, and I was already well under his. He was almost obsessed with me. But... I was so casual in the early days, and more so during friendship years.


To cut a long story short, from December when he got stressed from my nitpicking/overreactions he basically needed space so I respected that, despite not understanding. He said I should make myself vulnerable, not be guarded, yet at the same time he said I was "too serious too soon" despite that I don't think I said/did anything he didn't. o.O

We did better in January, gaming together and talking/etc, but another little fight ruined that, and he became distant again, despite a couple of days a week later where we Skype/cam'd and he was all over me some more. Then another little argument, more him being distant. Feeling ignored one day before Valentines, I emailed him, pouring my heart out about my frustrations, didn't go down well since he claimed those messages only repel people, and how he's already said about distance and how I can't expect him to want to "jump into" something like what we were before space ordeal. We were still talking, albeit casual. -_- Mid-February we argued more [silly little fights he initiated] he started giving me the silent treatment (well, neither spoke)... for a month, with my MSN showing that he's deleted me (I asked about it, he was like "*confused emote* So what now?"). So yes. I messaged him yesterday, sick of not knowing what's up, and he replied...

He said that it wasn't one huge pull, it was a massive list of little things. He compared it all to a rubber band, saying how with no time to recover from the little fights and general problems [explained in later part of this message, if you could at least glimpse through] that elastic band snapped. Said that he knows he tried hard because I put him back on his headache medication (December), (yeah, like taking up smoking again and change in diet can't possibly be the reason. -_- He ALSO said that no matter what he does it won't help, and that he doesn't know what he can do, or what can be done.


So all in all: he's deleted me on MSN [not blocked] and after above message, he deleted me on Skype. -__- However he's not [yet] deleted me anywhere else, FB, MS, YT, etc. So I guess what I'm asking is, well I'm not entirely sure. I miss him. After over two years of not caring much for him except as a casual friend, he became a lot more and I feel so stupid for letting myself feel that way again after the last heartbreak. Am I wrong to hope that when he gets back home that things might get better? Is space really make or break? He's really hurt me, though. I must be mad for not hating him. -_-

I'm guessing... I just give him space, or at least don't contact him at all. Which I don't plan on doing again. Guess that's his place. Plus what could I say to how he's been acting since February. -__-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PART 2: Extended version... [if you can stomach confusing reads!]
I've known this guy for two years, he always liked me, always been flirty and let me know he likes me but I never felt the same. So we were casual gaming buddies although he helped me through a tough times with an "ex", who perpetually let me down, ran off and hurt me. Anyway I guess I really did get over my ex because I started liking this guy, so we started dating, but it was long distance because he was to be deported to HK before we got to make anything happen. He needs money before he can get back. Sooo, late October and November we were good, we even sent each other stuff. December went bad...

Sidenote: He's managed to break down a lot of barriers I'd put up since the last guy. But I've got issues.
1. I tend to get paranoid, read into things and all that stuff.
2. I apparently give off mixed messages. Getting back from December surgery I said to him "I may have missed you", and he was like "You either did or you didn't" in an amused way, but eventually he was irked: "ugh you can't expect me to get your mixed messages if you think we're something" then came massive revealing of his frustration and the fact he was put on old headache meds that coincide with my spazzes. [He put that on me and my drama]
3. For some reason I fail at starting conversations, it's like I'm guarded or something. I didn't prompt him to get on Skype, or seem capable of approaching issues the right way.
4. A couple of his comments: "You know if you're going to be someone's gf/bf then you're supposed to make yourself vulnerable so that person can see who you really are." and "Sometimes you say things like I'm gonna take the piss out of you." [no idea wtf that all meant]

Background
? In December I was getting stressed/issue-y. I get aggravated over nothing, and we had a few arguments/misunderstandings. He's usually such a sweet and friendly guy but it's like I bring out an irritable defensive jerk sometimes.

? Night before my minor surgery [mid Dec], I ran off without saying bye or anything because I thought he was ignoring me to talk to his friends [stupid, I know, he was helping a friend with his business]. It must have effected him because when I got back on the 17th said I'd helped put him back on his old headache meds. I think I got paranoid because he kinda stopped calling me "babe", or when I think he's ignoring me [which he's pointed out a few times, frustrates him] which all stemmed from more miscommunication [thanks MSN -_-]. I just get so possessive, ahead of myself. He already said in early relationship that he was hesitant about me because virgins usually get clingy or something so he usually runs off from them. Saying that, I did nothing he didn't do! So chasing seems detrimental.


? He said he "needed space" so I gave it, albeit with hiccups at first. This happened at Christmas, we did talk but it was brief every so many days and he initiated conversation. He did the whole happy Christmas thing and we chatted. His FB statuses were odd, like "wonder if it will happen again this year" [previously he gets ditched on NewYear]. On New Years he mentioned the ring I gave him [he gave me one, too, non-marriage btw] He said that his friend's psychic mother [wtf] said "That's really nice, the girl who gave you that must really like you." and went on to describe me physically, and said that I was in pain. Not sure if he was using her as a cover for himself.


? So we were talking more, gaming, back to normal-ish, though with his irritability still mildly there. To try to help matters, I sent him a letter in mid Jan with some things, nice, non-whiny sort of "I understand and I'm sorry" thing. He seemed to like it but he really didn't respond to points I hoped he would. Silly of me to expect anything, I know.

? We got really friendly again in January and spent more and more time together like before, but I seemed to become demanding again and he pulled away at the end of January after a fight. See, I was stressed about Uni and he wanted me to download some online private server game so we could play together. Anyway I it came to this: "I know. I'm not stupid" -me, to something he kept pestering about... He replied, "If you're going to take your stress out on me, watch for the backlash" even though HE always took stress out on me. x_X So past issues were brought up, and finally he said, "If I were to be whoever I am instead of a nicer person as to who you'd like me to be with your 'feedbacks', I don't think anything will go far." and he went offline. -_- The irony here is he's the one saying I should be less opinionated, and basically to not try helping. We didn't talk for 6 days until I spoke to him first.

? A week later we got back on track again and we were Skyping as normal, then ANOTHER little argument on MSN [as always]. This time ending a bit like "I didn't mean it like that, but ok" - me. "ok" -him.

? So! Next day his Facebook status reads "afk for a few days, back soon". When he got back, he didn't say anything to me, just poked me back [we perpetually do that] and was posting YouTube links on there. I get upset over things like that... admitedly I'm really clingy or rather I take it as a personal snub. -_-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PART 3 [End bit - feel free to skip gruelling above details]
Know what there's just so much stuff. Him and I are admittedly quite extreme "characters", me somewhat fiery and him more subtly so but with a kind of superiority thing going on.

1) Because he was acting so distant after the "ok" shrug-off, I emailed him. It was a drunk email but it did make sense, apparently not to him though. I pointed out how I didn't like the fact that if we're not "proper gf/bf" yet [his words] until he gets back to the UK, why is it he keeps wanting phone sex, and WHY does he act so hot and cold. =/

2) Didn't go down well either. I yet again initiated talk [stupid, I know]. He said messages like that only repel people, because what can anyone do to messages like that where he doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. [I suspect think in late January he may have seen rant on a site we both use, but they weren't harsh ones, more like "wtf is going ON"] I'm stupid for doing that stuff, I know. Maybe it really does throw people off?

3) Mid February: MSN Plus says I'm not on his MSN, I ask what's up [panicked when he was offline and typed "=/"] and he was like "*confused emote*" so I showed him a screenshot of it and he said "So what now?" and I replied "Nothing. Was looking to see if someone still had me on their list and noticed it said you don't." and he didn't reply. Then month of silence. Nasty much. =(

4) Him deleting my old MSN deletions did it. Yesterday I emailed him asking what was going on, saying how unlike him this was, etc. ... He replied saying it wasn't one giant thing, it was little things over all this time that finally nudged him to this, and he doesn't know what he can do or what can be done, that "that rubber band snapped". -_- So I noticed then he'd deleted me from Skype after. Guess he really hates me to be that vindictive. Seems vindictive anyway. Certainly wouldn't be so he didn't have to see my name, I know him.

This is messing me up, I feel like it's gonna explode or that he'll run off like the last guy or something.
I really like him, we click so well but seem to have such different communication styles and issues. [Me Libra, he Scorpio, if you're into starsigns] In short... I do want him back, but more than that I want him to want me back. I just, want the guy I've known these years back, not this person who's crept in somewhere along the time of us being "together" and yet "apart".

Anyone have opinion on this? Experience with it? Ideas for if/when he gets back to the UK? And just... is it hopeless?

I'm sorry you are facing such difficult times.. I've had experiences of insecurity in a relationship too but on the receiving end. Being accused by my bf for past 18 months has been pretty difficult to me and I can imagine, from what I assume from what you wrote, that he may be having a difficult time accepting your behaviour and trying to understand.

It seems though that there is a lack of communication between you both and conversing online is not the best way from experience - with the same bf I mentioned above I had lots and lots of arguments because of misunderstanding over written words - it's sometimes hard to express yourself fully online (this was when we didn't live together). We then decided we won't talk online anymore...

But I think underlying the issues you and he are having, seem to be deeper issues about insecurity/confidence. Being far apart does not help I guess but seems that time and space for each other is a good thing. It would be destructive to keep attemping to communicate with him if he is not responding and it makes things harder for you too if you are refused.

I know it is probably a real hard time for you now but it might be for the best to leave it for a bit until he contacts you? You may both realise something whilst not being in touch.

Two of you need to be willing to keep the relationship going and if there are problems both of you must admit that there are issues so you can both discuss things together to lay down boundaries that are acceptable for both.

It's easily said than done though... I'm considering goign therapy myself . It could be a good option for you too maybe?

Thank you. Unfortunately I don't think I'd be comfortable with therapy, not even sure what it could do for me.

But I am going to leave it for him to contact me. So far he's not deleted me anywhere but MSN or Skype, but maybe that's not saying alot. MSN was mostly where our misunderstandings went on, so you're right. I keep worrying he'll just disappear, hence why I'm quite upset about that month where he said nothing about that whole "rubber band snapping" thing. I've been through this sort of thing before and he knows it. He's always been such a sweet guy, so I dunno where this is coming from... build-up, maybe. He seems so cold and angry.

Yes, he has said before he doesn't understand my behaviour, and his first language isn't English (it's chinese) so I doubt that helps. I guess... hopefully he'll miss me, or we can at least start talking again when he's back. If not then maybe he never really cared about me as much as he said.

Ok, a couple of things come to mind. Online relationships can be a nightmare! If you're only communicating in written text, things can be misunderstood very easily.

Also, you have to give him a chance to miss you. So stop all communication for a while and see what happens. Believe me, if he's interested, he WILL get in contact.

Take care

Thanks. True... the arguments happened over text, miscommunication, like I'd assume he was being aggressive or he'd assume I was being annoying on purpose, etc.

I definitely won't speak to him first. I think I've been a bit too keen, that with the drama has clouded the good stuff. It's just tough missing him, and being angry about all this, then his deleting me on Skype... that just really hurts, seems final somehow. I dunno. This was so unexpected.

And I guess that's possible that he'll get in contact if he still likes me... but he's the most stubborn (and righteous) guy sometimes.

Sorry to bump this.

Well, he finally got in touch, mid-September, on a site I use regularly which he only signed up to last year because I use it. Not sure why he chose it. He'd actually logged in a few months before that but said nothing.
His first line was a link to something we're both fans of.
Second said how I should have known he would talk to me again hence not deleting me on friend lists. The last was a simple explanation for the silence, saying how he had needed a lot more space than before (xmas) and couldn't see things working out between us if we kept going as we were, and if I wanted to talk then I knew how to find him, if not then he would disappear if that's what I want.

He'd been talking to me regularly these past couple of weeks, pretty much every day. I thought things looked alright. He was showing me vids of him at work, not even particularly interesting ones. Seems more sadistic somehow...

I did confront him a couple days ago, only after he was so kind as to let me see he was in a new relationship over there through his Facebook picture and relationship status.

Convo...

Me: why did you start talking to me again?
Him: because it was not my intention to completely blank you out forever
Him: was i not supposed to talk to you again? i'll ask you this again like i did when i talked to you again this time... do you want me to disappear?
Me: No I don't, but you showed up saying "talk if you want" instead of saying what you want
Him: eh?
Me: "if you're still good to talk" and "I'll just disappear if that's what you want"
Him: i asked if it's a good time to talk because your msn name says 'god i am so sick of everyone'
Me: put simply without poetic crud, you left things for 6 months and now you return which great, but I find out you're seeing someone through FB
Him: if you're being hostile to me. it's also not my intention to make things worse. so if you want me to go. i'll make it easy
Me: I'm not trying to be hostile
Me: and I've said several times I don't want you to go
Him: so if you dont want me to disappear, please dont be hostile. i find it quite aggressive and i'm also not here to wave the gf card infront of you to rub it in
Him: i just thought you could understand that i want someone close to me physically as well... i've had my fair share of long distances and with me not knowing how long i'd take to get back to england... you'll be waiting indefinately and it wont be fair on you too
Me: sec
Me: it's ironic that the day you stopped talking to me I got my passport application really
Me: but hey. If I weren't such a sucker for feelings. but not much to be done if that's how you feel, and if you felt the same you'd not be with her. I know this
Him: i dont know what you want me to say, you werent up for meeting up all that time. you didnt even have a passport or it expired or whatever... didnt tell me anything about that
Me: I know how I was being at the time. 6 months gives you time to realise crud
Him: so why are you saying if that's how you feel you'd not be with her?
Me: I meant if you felt strong as I did you'd not be with her, but I suppose 6 months of silence should have given me a clue. It's fine if you don't want to talk about it. not your problem
Me: just would have been nice to have been told that. or gotten better closure if you lost interest
Him: sec
Him: well i did feel strong. have been for more than the 6months of us not talking. you should know too but you ended up pushing me away. what was i supposed to do or think?
Him: and those 6months ago, if we spoke of anything related to me and you, it mostly ended up with arguments or some sort of bollocks
Me: I know how I was acting.
Him: so why do you keep saying if i felt strong or whatever i wont be with her?
Me: What I mean (try without my usual bs since I'm too held back I suppose) is that when you feel strongly for someone, or at least when I do, other people don't come close to that feeling
Me: but hold on a sec. Didn't get what you meant in your "wwell i did feel strong. have been for more than the 6months of us not talking."
Me: and I've apologised before for pushing you away. putting my heart out on my sleeve here, perhaps a bit ghey-ly, I needed to see someone 'cause of past stuff.
Him: i've told you for over a year i liked you and if you dont think that was strong enough without getting **** all
Him: what is?
Me: No I follow that, what I'm asking if the part about six months talking. Are you saying you still feel that way?
Me: and FTR: I know those ranty things I did were retarded as hell. x_x
Him: no i dont feel like i did before sorry. not something you want to know i can understand but you should also know i'm the type that once i've made my mind up i'm sticking to it
Him: spoken to some of my friends... she told me after all this time i've given myself and you enough chances to work things out but it really didnt to be fair
Him: and if you're telling me about the whole passport thing now, i dont know if it's a wise idea to take that risk. for both of us... what if we did get together when you came to visit and then broke up after? you'd be in a new world of messed up and what about me? i dont think i'd be in the position to say i feel good about dropping someone in an emotional rollercoaster 5k+ miles away from home
Me: I'd not take that risk purely because you're said you don't feel the same now. I guess it's just tough thinking all that chance we had and the deportation thing made things hard for us, and just all that time for me to fall for you and the opposite happened for you.
Me: oh this wine's too good.
Him: dont drink crazy because of me
Him: look... lets be frank... if you're upset about this i can totally understand but i dont wanna see or hear you drinking yourself crazy. i was helping you through when you got hurt by that other kid and i know you didnt go through a nice experience
Him: i'd like to be able to tell myself i'm a nice guy, but i'm not sure if that's the case from your perspective anymore. although if you can accept things didnt work out between us and stay friends i will really appreciate it and i'd also respect your decision if you choose not to because you feel so strong you want me as somebody more than just a friend
Him: afk again
Me: *frank too for a sec* I just often think think nice guys would let someone sit for 6 months like that, then not even talk things out once they decided to get back in touch, or even remotely apologise. I accept things didn't work out, and it's not like I'm keen for you to disappear like that. I don't want you out of my life but those 6 months didn't seem to bother you. Now I'm just dealing with all that stupid feeling and stupid hope and this stupid wine
Him: look if you gave me the time and the chance to say it i would have. just because i didnt bring it up it doesnt mean i didnt think of apologising for disappearing. i really needed that space to go away and relax and cool off. we argued way too often back then... even if i did come back and apologise and tell you everything
Him: how does hi, sorry for not talking for 6months and i'm back now
Him: by the way i have a gf now and i think she's amazing?
Him: how does that sound? i dont wanna rub it in and this is the second time i mentioned her since we spoke
Him: first time was earlier tonight
Him: or this afternoon for you
Me: I'm sorry. I really did fall for you, and we really did get a rough hand deals. I'll say it now since I'm about to do what it's felt like you wanted to do for 6 months or so leaving me in the dark like, because loving someone and watching them love someone else is enough to make people go crazy. Think I already have done hoping on you and exvcusing you for ripping me apart like that. So that's it said. I do love you, as much possible in circumstances, but I don't think you really "get" what you did and how you didn't handle things well yourself. So hearing you make out that you care about me when you treated me that way... and how you think this girl is amazing when you spat on me like that for being in as much difficulty as you with the deportation. Just... I can't handle it. again. Love you, wish things were as they were but I'm not quite able to switch off like that. Maybe I need time. -_-


After that, I blocked him on MSN (not delete), deleted him on all his Facebook accounts because I do not want to see him and her. Jesus.
His headline on there is something like: "keep yourself occupied while you wait. when it comes, it's worth it."

Later on that night his MSN name said "bollocks to it all". He'd removed me on there again, so I suppose that's that. Didn't wait for a response to my long splurge, doubt it'd be anything I want to hear. He's made his choice when he got with someone else. I got so angry at the last things he said, and the whole mixed messages of "strongly" yet he'd made up his mind and the distance... Duh... he'd not be with someone else if he wanted to invest in us. -_- I'm so confused and lost.

Obviously now I'm in a state but I am so mad at him for coming back if he's already decided he doesn't want to reconcile. I don't know why he spoke to me. I don't know why the guy I knew for so long suddenly turned into this thing. Today his MSN at work says "patience is virtue" * * * .

Feel like such a fool, and still miss him so much but he's obviously done with the idea of us, even if he said he still feels strongly after all these months.
I'm wrecked. Feel sick and angry and hurt and god knows what else. I care about this guy so much, and hoped he'd take the chance to see I've actually dealt with my issues that were causing problems with us before.

Wow, you sure you didn't simply paraphrase some of the conversations me and my gf used to have? I also have an online relationship, btw. I am sorry that it has come to this for you guys. As much as i'm on this particular board, its beyond amazing I didn't see this post originally.

Tit for tat, you sound exactly like my girlfriend when I brought up problems and i'd always ask her to change aspects of her behavior. Here's the thing tho, in a relationship there is NEVER just one person with things to work on. Even if your problem was bigger than his, there were ways he could've improved by trying to flexibly be more understanding.

I know this could never be easy for you... break ups are beyond painful. Me and my girlfriend have broken up twice and gotten back together since and still put in effort to make it work. Crying, screaming, saying things you don't mean or necessarily want to express happen all the time. I don't believe he was blameless, his demeanor didn't come off that way and thats me trying to be as non biased as possible. While you may have been insecure, he sometimes in your posts came off as confrontational as opposed to being solution oriented where he could've been. Also I think it'd be a REALLY good idea if the person who suggests taking a timeout doesn't be given a freepass, in any relationship. Literally, ask them how long and set a time and if nothing happens then you guys should go your separate ways.

I know a lot of this isn't what you want to hear, but you're young, smart and in your prime, there will be other people. Take some time to chill and appreciate yourself, take some time to vent.. it is very hard to let go of feelings after 3+ years no matter how it ended. Talk to people, outside, here on psychforms. Do whatever you need.

If it makes a difference, I think from any case you've grown from this experience, but I guarantee you're almost certain to find someone who you click with more and who will make more time for you.

Thank you for your words.

Yeah that's the thing, he doesn't seem to recognise his own faults. He makes out that he's self-sacrificing, but his idea of communicating is so vague and he rarely takes criticism. It's all "do as I say not as I do".

I'm just confused by everything he said. If he still has those "strong feelings" then well it's hard to buy that when he chose someone over there. Then him going on about the passport thing, which was mentioned in passing. Suppose it at least brought up how angry he was about me not going to see him. ... I wish I had. Now we're just... nothing.

I hate not being in each other's lives [we were] non-stop talking in the past but after what he did and the way he dealt with things, I barely recognise him. I wish I'd have spoken to him sooner, that he had spoken. Christ just thinking about how we might never speak again, all our good times, or how he's there with her... rips me up. I really thought he felt the same as me.

Plus I told him how I feel in my last PM. Guess it didn't mean much.