I Think I Love Him...

Hi all!

this is a little complicated so I'll try to keep this as short as possible...

Recently a dear friend of mine, Tom, confessed that he loves me, and ever since then I've been at a complete loss.

I met Tom on a Forums board when I was about 17 (I'm almost 22 now) and with a few others, we became good friends. I was also in the middle of a long distance relationship with a guy called Rick from said forums board. Tom and Rick are both from The Netherlands, from different areas (I'm from Ireland). So during the bitter end of my relationship, I found that I had feelings for Tom because we have an amazing mental link with each other, we understand each other so well. After breaking up with Rick, we both confessed to each other that we likes each other (by the way, I have met both in person, several time. And stay in contact in every means possible).

The thing is Tom suffers from a terrible condition called Spinal Muscular Atrophy, a condition that slowly lets his muscles deteriorate, so he's currently in a wheelchair, which means his condition will worsen through the years. Before it didn't bother me so much(Though I cried to know someone so wonderful has such a cursed condition to live with), personality has always mattered more to me anyway. when I was 18 I spent my birthday in Amsterdam with him and his family, and though I had feelings for him, I didn't know how to cope with having a lover with such a condition, especially if you consider the long term relationship of this. I'm a physically demanding person, I enjoy sex with a partner, and I was just scared because I had no clue how to cope, so I ended up rejecting him by slowly distancing myself from him. Ever since then I've felt terrible and sickened at my selfishness.

After that we kind of grew apart as he was quite bitter with my silent decision(I don't blame him). I threw myself in a few stupid and hopeless relationships, and by the time I was 19 I realized I was hopelessly in love with him. Over MSN Messenger I confessed my feelings for him, but he rejected me because of what I had previously done (again, I don't blame him for that either). I was very upset and depressed for months as I had never dealt with unrequited love before, though I deserved every bit of it. After I pulled myself together and tried to move on I went on into another hopeless relationship and during then, he told me he regretted somewhat rejecting me, that he was sorry for being so bitter, but I thought that maybe this wouldn't have worked anyway, and that we should forget about it. I entered yet another stupid relationship (though he was the nicest guy I ever dated) and I ended that last September.

ever since then I've mentally matured as a person and spiritually too. I realized that I don't need to be so emotionally dependent, that I need to sort out my priorities and enjoy life and friends. So I've moved on and though I'm stressed in college, I've made some amazing new friends and I'm generally happy in life.

So about 3 weeks ago tom tells me through MSN (while drunk) that he loves me, and always has. I brushed it off as drunken nonsense but he later told me that he meant every word. Ever since then I've been at complete loss. I think about him every day, all day. Practically obsessed with him. I always want to talk to him (but he's always busy) and it's driving me nuts. I think I have the maturity to deal with his condition and love him for him but I'm still somewhat scared that I may be wrong. I'm visiting him this July for his birthday and since he's never been kissed, I told him I'll give him a birthday kiss. I think this will help me clarify what the hell I want, but I never ever want to hurt him again, he means so much to me, even as just a friend.

Sorry, it's a bit of a read ^_^'

All views and comments are deeply appreciated, thanks for your time!

- Noemi xox

ANY advice at all please?

Hi, Noemi! Sorry about the late reply. I don't think you're being selfish when you think about what might make you unhappy, because it could end up hurting him too, in the end.
You should think about whether you can be happy with him, in the long run. Maybe it would be a good idea if you didn't talk to him about the romantic feelings you're having until you've made up your mind.

HI neomi..

Ok i am ready to help you. Now, first i will tell you that if you think of whatever you want to achieve and it is hopeless in your mind, then the thing is hopeless. Hope is great thing you know. It is very hard to maintain it. Now if you had confessed here that you had done wrong with TOM in past, then do again with him. Try to convince him. May be he give you chance. Don't become total hopeless. It is just like doing suicide. Another thing

He is afraid if you repeat that perhaps he might be get hurt. Finally, i meant to say that he doesn't want this again and you know very well. You have to give him unconditional love and i am sure you will get success in this.

All the best at last!

Thanks

May god bless you!

Further queries are welcome.

Thank you both for your replies

Ravine wrote: Now if you had confessed here that you had done wrong with TOM in past, then do again with him. Try to convince him. May be he give you chance. Don't become total hopeless. It is just like doing suicide. Another thing

I don't need to convince him for another chance, he's said he wants me, but he said he also can't force me to love him back. I think he forgave me for what I did, and even said he pretty much did the same to me when he rejected me(though I think I made more damage to him, and I'm used to emotional abuse anyway)

I know I probably need to wait and think about it carefully, but that alone is maddening. Since he confessed his feelings for me, I've barely seen any online activity much for me to talk to him and even that makes me feel more frustrated. It's hard to stay calm..right now I'm cleaning my apartment top to bottom as a distraction heh..

Hey! Maybe you can give it some more time, to see if it's the kind of love that will last for a long time. It's all about what would make you two happy. Doing something that distracts you is a good idea.
Also, the fact that you've been hurt doesn't make it ok for someone to hurt you again, even if you're tougher than the other person

So I spoke to my best friend, who knew nothing of my history with Tom at all (that's how hurt I was about my past rejection) and she gave me some sound advice. I do love him, very much so. I told him and my returned feelings were well received. I'll be seeing him in 2 weeks and I'm so excited. Thank you all for your help ^_^

Hey! I'm happy for you, Noemi. If you two love eachother a lot, I bet you can make things work.