Fear of loss

Hello.

I recently met a girl who is in many ways like me to the point that it's spooky (in a good way), but like in previous relationships I've been in, I feel like my fear of losing the person actually drives me to the point where I manipulate the relationship into failure, even if I don't want to. Especially not this one. I thought that, as I grow older, I'll learn to deal with it. Hell, I can rationalize the situation for an hour or two until it starts acting up again. I need constant approval from my loved one, if I don't, I think I've messed something up and that the relationship is a constant downward spiral. So far, I'm convinced that the partner has turned 180 on me from one day to another and I view everything as a sign that the person no longer cares for me or is getting bored of me. Though when it comes down to it, I think she's ok with me but as I continue whining about my fears and being a negative idiot, I actively MAKE her care less about me.

Sadly, this is a long distance relationship so I don't get to see her often. The previous ones have been too.

I recently woke her up by texting her and I was so mad at myself for doing that and I was so beyond excited when I noticed that she texted me again later that day. When she didn't feel like telling me something (not by phone, but on an instant messenger, phones are dead) because she didn't think it was too stupid to spend time typing, I blamed myself. I was convinced that she didn't tell me because I she doesn't trust me and doesn't want to share anything with me.

This type of stuff has been happening for years and I'm pretty sick of it.

What am I experiencing? I'm actually quite fine with myself, I wouldn't say I have an awful self esteem. I think I'm intelligent and not too bad looking and I am proud of my accomplishments. But I get so insecure about losing people I am fond of.

Hey, talktalktalk! Maybe you were afraid of losing someone when at some point in your life, like during your childhood. It could be that you were made to feel like you weren't worthy of someone's love as well. Do you have any idea why this is happening?
Talking about it helps. You could post here or maybe see if you can find a counsellor too. Reassure your loved one that it isn't her fault. I'm sure she cares about you a lot, she wouldn't be with you if she didn't.

Thank you very much for your reply.

Years ago, there was a girl who, while I wasn't in a relationship with her, did not accept me for who I am. We were into each other but it didn't happen for some reason. Looking back, I was glad about it, however at the time it felt like being tortured. She enjoyed me, but wanted to change so much about me, constantly pointing out my flaws. That was a personal turning point since I reacted awfully to it to the degree that I lost all my friends at the time. However, I'd say I've gotten back on my feet since then and I've matured a lot. I'm a strict individualist (though very extrovert and caring for others) who wants to be accepted for who he is and if people can't handle that then that's their problem; not mine.

She did make me feel like I wasn't worthy of her or her time. That I was a pretty terrible person who needs to be changed (because she wanted to change me) and I can't recall fearing loss before her, but I also wasn't in a relationship before her and since then I've changed in that aspect since I stopped accepting people who can't accept me. But who knows...


As for the current person in my life:
I sent her a very long message detailing her why I've been sorta weird lately. How I fear losing her (she has a fear of loss as well, but not nearly to the extend I do) and how I felt, for example, about how she wouldn't share what bothered her and how it made me feel like she didn't because I thought I wasn't worthy of it. We've briefly talked since then but not about it. Just our usual shenanigans.

It might help to talk about it a bit, face to face. It sucks that the girl from the past made you feel like that. I guess it can stick with you. I didn't necesarily mean someone that you had a romantic relationship with, though.
You can post here when you want to or when you're scared or stressed.