Too much of a coincedence...

S'all cool now And yeah, I'm actually pleased with myself that I got out of that trap even when I get so mad all the time. It was the best way to do it. Plus, my ex did show up at my dojo one day wanting to ask if I was around (I was, in the office) and if could just hang out. My current boyfriend is one of the instructors there and he and two other instructors told my ex to get out and that he wasn;t allowed anywhere near the dojo at any time. I heard them talking and when I saw my ex I had one of those moments of blinding white rage. I didn't snap out of it until my friend Steven caught me and hauled me back into the office.

So there's something else, Asuka, that I forgot to write: have your friends around. They'll help keep you sane and step in if need be. having black belts around helps.

I don't see how her being evasive and sending you odd texts makes you unloveable. If she apologized and doesn't want to talk about it, this is actually a good thing--it sounds like she realizes she made a mistake somewhere and wants to leave it alone so it doesn't ignite another fight. And if she does call or texts again, don't answer it, don't read it, even though I know it's torture not to. Delete all of her info, block her number, do whatever you've got to to stop the cycle--she calls you, you call her, you wind up being upset again. Let her leave as many messages as she wants. If she stops calling/texting then don't call her back. And don't make matters worse by trying to pursue the answers either, because you'll never find them, and you'll stay in this cycle. Don't call/text her either. Step back and say, "This ######6 sucks but it's got to stop right now."

And I know everyone says this but do you have a therapist? Things like this have huge impacts on your life because of the emotional force behind it and can really derail things for a while. Find a therapist, see them for a few weeks, tell them what's happening with you, and then you'll figure out a plan or identify the reasons that get you upset so you can avoid them in the future. And you don't have to be completely nutty to see a therapist either, so don't feel embarrassed and don't procrastinate. A lot of businesses either have or will reference you to a therapist, so you can start there. And get back to the dojo!!!

At this point you're going to have to find a way to fix things yourself, especially since you seem to think that therapy won't work. It sounds like you're in one huge convoluted mess that no one can really help you get through (you should PM Chucky and get his opinion, I think), but I still strongly feel that you should get counseling.

Good luck, Asuka!! I feel bad that I can't help you out any further, but I hope you'll make out okay!