Break up syndrome anyone? - B.U.S.?

Can anyone here tell me where to begin to look?
I am a middle aged man that has been divorced for 11 years after a marriage of 13.
For the last six of those years, since my children have been of the age to well understand that "dad is dating" I have had relationship opportunities with at least three very wonderful women. Women that would seem to be nearly everything a man could be looking for. However each and every one of those relationships I have distroyed with consistent breaking up and returning. This happened with one of them nine times - yes 9 - inside of a year and a half. I didn't count - but she apparently did. And her number is not unbelievable. Bless her heart for trying - and trying!
At present I'm on the bottom end of yet another. And inside of only one month I am at three - 3. She will not try anymore.
This is a pattern that I have refused to acknowledge until now. The impulses to do this are always so strong and seem so rational that I am absolutely convinced I am doing the right thing. And it almost seems that once the thought is entertained, it becomes unavoidable. I've been explaining it away - sure that I'm not finding the right person for any number of reasons that, with some reflection later - carry no real weight at all.
With each break up - and shortly afterward - comes the misery of realizing a terrible mistake, and ultimately months of pining after a woman that has simply had it with me. Consequently - and I've FINALLY realized - I am miserable all of the time. I've finally had to admit that the common denominator here is ME. And I've got to get to the bottom of it because it's destroying my life. Not to mention the misery I am bringing to others.
I don't know that this is the right forum to be posting this, but if anyone has ever heard of a similar "affliction" please let me know that I'm not alone! Any advice or redirection would be appreciated.
~insol

Hi, insolitary! Welcome to the forum. I hope you can find someone else who has been through this here. You are not alone. You can talk about it here as much as you like.
Maybe this is happening because you're afraid of getting hurt, so you can at least control it if you're miserable all the time. Does it feel like some kind of addiction?

Hi Jasmin .....
Can't say it feels like an addiction. That is - I certainly don't seek it out. In fact now it's broght about a fear of even giving it another try. And I've considered it being the fear of being hurt. An idea that getting it over with sooner would be better than later if it's perceived that it's going to happen anyway.
But maybe it's more of a deep lying general unhappiness that I don't want anyone to discover. Unbelievable negativity that can't be disguised for long. Which probably would take me to another area of this forum and ultimately professional help.
I really have a feeling of foolishness even talking about it. But what on earth do you do with some deep rooted quirk that you can't put your finger on - but as sure as you're breathing if you try to ignore - you'll repeat it over and over again? Slapping yourself in the face, telling yourself you're a whining baby, picking yourself up and plowing ahead again in denial doesn't work. I'm still here.
In thinking about it , the truth is, it's a feeling of being convinced that your partner has got to be looking for something more than you are or that you have to offer. It's a very low opinion of yourself, your character and your abilities. It's fear. That's exactly what it is. And when you see it coming - see yourself revealing it - you cut and run. The outcome isn't the problem, it's just a symptom. Where do you go with this?
And if a much simpler explanation is that your just simply a jerk ... well, where do you go with that?

Thanks so much for your welcome and your reply.

Insolitary, I think I feel this way too. I keep imagening that no one could want anything from me and I could never be attractive or good enough for them. Maybe if I had a relationship I'd be tempted to do what you're doing. It is about low self esteem and a fear of not being good enough and being abandoned, in my case.
What has helped me has been talking about my past and trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel. It's changed how I feel, a little bit. Also, working out and taking care of myself helps too. Maybe your situation is similar. Being bullied in school and being told that I was good for nothing, not getting what I needed emotionally have had an effect on me.
It's not foolish to talk about it or to feel this way.

Hi Insol,

I am just recently divorced as well (bout a year ago)... I think the thing is it takes us time to adjust after being used to the same person for an extended period of time. In your case though, it's taking much longer to adjust to "get back in the game" as they say.

I think you need to focus on letting the past be the past and try to wake up tomorrow and start fresh, as if you were born again. Pessimism goes hand in hand with failure my friend.

Once you let those inhibitions go you might find yourself adjusting much quicker.

Hope those words help.

hello insolitary.

i was SUPRISED to see your post. cause i think i have the same "syndrome" (is it a syndrome?)

although i may LIKE and LOVE a woman very much, i wait for her for the first small mistake and i spit it out.. (break up)

i break up very easily, it sounds rational in my head when i do it. absolutely rational. but i'm still in love with the woman. it's sick. it's a mental condition.

but it's derived from somewhere. for me, it's the fear of abandonment. it's the fear that she doesnt feel as much in love as i feel for her....

my last relationship may ended because of that... (well, not only that...)

although i've made progress. whenever i think i want to breakup i immediately think "hey wait. why should i do something like that? to be alone again? and miserable? i really like and love that woman dont i?"

Hi miss me,

No, I don't think it's a syndrome. I just stuck that in there for lack of anything else to call it. I'm sure that any psychologist would come up with any number of clinical definitions for it - all mixed up with several other definitions to narrow it down to a disorder of some kind, produced by a disorder that stems from yet another disorder. All within the guidelines of textbooks full of "proven theory" - whatever in the world that is, other than an oxymoron. But at about 130 an hour, hey! It's good for - at least - that!
And, in my case, I think I've come to the conclusion that I simply have to admit to being not much more than an undone idiot in the world of dating. But I'll cling to the worn and weak sense of comfort that I cannot be the only one who's bones litter that killing field!
Truth is, in my case once again - I'm simply meeting people I'm incompatible with, sensing it early on, becoming too involved too soon, genuinely liking them a great deal, wishing we were more compatible and being sure I can fix it. And that even at the expense of what I know would be my own happiness and probably theirs long term.
Not the way to go. I simply have to be more decisive with that gut instinct at the beginning, give the consequences more careful consideration, say so-long and call it a wrap. Not always easy! I'm becoming more convinced though that one of the keys here is to delay that ever so desirable intimacy for as long as is possible. Keep that squirrely word "DATE" in mind and approach it as an adult rather than a hormone hopped teenager. In other words, and I hate to admit it at my age but - Grow up!
Thanks for your response.

Well, look, if you see early on that these women are not 'your type', then don't continue dating , of course. So then if something goes well, it will have more chances of being a long-term thing, so you wont have to break up.

Maybe you need some time to actually define what is 'your type'. Are you sure you're not looking something like your ex?